AIBU to be a CF out of sheer desperation/exhaustion?

[PeapodBurgundy]

I need help with how to handle this from people who can think straight.

NDN have 3 DC, 2 of whom have ASD. Their middle child is easily overwhelmed, and when he's not coping, he shrieks and bangs his elbows against the wall. Their youngest (no SN) is very prone to tantrums (the on the floor, screaming and throwing things kind). We've always had a lot of noise through the wall and from the front garden (shared path) through the day, and on a night if you're awake with no TV on, you can hear if he's having a bad night, but nothing that's caused us any bother really. The worst is that on the increasingly rare occasions DS naps, it wakes him, but an early night is enough to remedy that one.

Recently they've swapped around the bedrooms, so now their middle child's bedroom shares a wall with our house. for the past 8 nights (since the swap) he's been awake for the majority of the night, screaming and banging against the wall. DD (5 months) sleeps through it fairly well, but it wakes DS (2). I can't sleep through it even during the windows where both of my DC are asleep. I'm going to make an assumption that on account of the lack of sleep, their DD has been throwing tantrums left right and centre, including on the bench under my front room window, which has woken DS when he's trying to nap throughout the day.

DS is tearful all day, and actually fell asleep on the floor in the library yesterday as he's exhausted. The cherry on the top was my neighbour from the other side making a snarky comment as we were on our way out yesterday about my kids being up all night crying (their bedroom is on the other side of the wall to ours).

I know I can't dictate what they do in their own home, but is it too CF to ask if there's any way they can switch back? I REALLY don't want to be an arsehole over this; it must be so difficult managing their needs, and it's not a noise they can help making, it's not like their choosing for their children to be distressed. On the other hand, I'm exhausted, my kids are exhausted, and I don't see this ending any time soon.

You can hear the noise equally in all of our bedrooms, and it's not much quieter downstairs (I come down to feed DD if DS is asleep to avoid disturbing him as she often has a little chat before going back to sleep). We looked into sound proofing, but even doing a "cheap" hack it will be several thousand pounds to cover the expanse of wall which would need doing. We've tried disturbing the sound by putting the air purifier on the landing so it's between the noise source and us, which has helped a little, but not enough. We can't afford to move (we only bought this place in August).

Any sensible ideas?

You wouldn't be a CF to ask. They may be completely oblivious to the affect their DC's noise is having on you, which is then causing knock-on disturbance to your neighbour the other side. So I would go and ask - there is no harm in doing so. Be sympathetic and ask nicely, but it's not fair that their DC's noise is keeping you all awake night after night. TBH, they need a detached house, but you don't need to say that.

And if they refuse, any chance you could move?

Absolutely not a chance we could afford to move. We only bought this place in August, and are scrimping and DIYing to renovate it (we had to buy a doer upper as budget didn't extend to a 'finished' house in an area where we would need weaponry to leave the front door). I'm at home with the children, DP earns minimum wage so we're already at our upper spending limit.

We're in a terrace, so there's a chance they switched because of a noise complaint from the other side (I don't think there's any love lost between the two households). They rent theirs, and as I understand have been there for years, so I don't expect they'll be going anywhere any time soon either.

Even though we've always heard noise, we've not said anything thus far, as it hasn't had a particularly problematic impact, and we're very aware that they can't help the noise. We figured all it would do was add to her stress levels being aware it's disturbing the neighbours as well as your own family.

I like them, and our children socialise, it's lovely so I really don't want to cause upset, but I can't have DS randomly falling asleep on the floor in public because he can't sleep at home.

I sympathise and they have to find some way of managing the children's behaviour other than just changing which room they sleep in. That's not a practical or fair long term solution for anyone involved. I'd raise it gently without getting angry or sounding like you're blaming their parenting skills etc. It's like any noise issue with neighbours in that if you don't say anything they might not realise how much it is affecting you

Thanks for your responses ladies. I'm not angry, nor am I critical of their parenting. They're either doing or have tried everything I can possibly think to do (and I sat that both as somebody who has worked with children with ASD and other complex needs, and as a mother myself). I'm amazed they can get through the day without simply running away some days. She's home alone most days (her husband works and is completing a masters degree, so they have a lot on their plate at the moment), I think she's amazing. She's so calm when she's speaking to the children, and she taught me a magic song which sooths DD even better than Baby Shark which is always a win!

I think I might broach it by simply commenting that DS2 has had a rough week and see how the conversation pans out. That way she'll definitely be aware that we can hear, and I'll get a bit of a picture of how things are going to see if there's a way I can come up with something that will work a bit better all around. I'm happy to tweak our bedtime routine etc to make things work if needed, but this can't continue. I missed a parcel while we were out, so that will give me a perfect opportunity to try and chat a little, even if I don't outright ask her to switch the rooms back.

My DM looks after DS on a Saturday afternoon while I take DD for her swimming lesson. DS fell asleep as soon as he'd eaten his lunch. DD and I joined him and got an hour after swimming so I think we're all slightly perkier this evening than we have been.

Oh gosh this is very difficult, particularly as it sounds as though they may have made the change because of problems with the other neighbour.

I don't know what the solution is but someone is going to be upset whatever they do. I feel sorry for you OP and your neighbour tbh.

It's horrible TidyDancer They have enough on their plate, and I really don't want to make it worse, but I can't continue with my kids so tired that they fall asleep in random places (not so much DD as she'd be doing that anyway) and me so tired I keep coming over dizzy. We're not long since home, and they appear to be out. I'm just waiting for DS to finish his supper, and we're all getting ourselves to bed to sleep while we can.

You're being very understanding, but I do think you may have to be a little more direct. Along the lines of, you know they've moved the bedrooms around and 1 child is particularly unsettled, but is there anything they can do to stop/lessen the sound of the banging on the shared wall?

If they can't move the furniture around, I'm thinking even a rug with maybe some underlay secured to the wall would dull things a bit. Obviously it would need to be done properly with no risk of the child pulling it on themselves etc. It might also be worth the family checking whether they'd be eligible for a Family Fund grant as it may be they can get funding for furniture or sensory toys that might help him settle.

I wonder if they could at least move his bed away from the shared wall so that if he thumps the wall it isn’t so close.

All you can do is ask it really is a bit much.

Do you use a sound machine OP? Obviously it would be better to not be in this situation, but I use them for my kids to help avoid them disturbing each other at nap and bedtime. We have white noise on quite loud and it drowns out a lot of background noise

You're being very nice about it but you do have to raise it, in a gentle way but say it is not sustainable.

Neighbours complaints may possibly help them apply for more housing benefit to be housed somewhere more appropriately.

I don't know anything about this, but my sibling has asd and can scream and shout when distressed. Neighbour complaints have been a reason for housing placements ending.

Obviously having a asd sibling I have every sympathy with the family, but it is not fair to expect other families to put up with the noise. It sounds really like they need to move somewhere where they can afford to rent a seni or detached house, which will be a cheaper area than where you live

I'd recommend white noise, you can download apps to play on phones or tablets and kids seem to be able to cope with it on quite loud, especially when they're babies.

Would the eldest wear ear plugs at all?

I think you have to be more direct. If child is banging on the wall then I'd be going round to knock on the door each time.it happens. I have sen kids and I take mine downstairs on a bad night as we are a terrace and it's bad enough banging downstairs when they meltdown.

You can buy white noise machines perhaps would help kids ignore some of the noise.

Could they approach the council and ask for sound proofing to be carried out under a disabled facilities grant? Or safe-space padding as there is a risk of harm if he hits or head-butts the wall.
I feel for you all. Sleep deprivation is hideous.

You’re not a CF. Noise proofing would be ideal. Maybe they can also rearrange furniture to block access to the shared wall. You need to discuss with them the impact on your kids of this noise.

You’re not being a CF at all. You have the right to peace and quiet in your own home and while I feel sorry for them having two children on the spectrum that isn’t your problem. You’ve your own children to worry about and their happiness and sleep is being compromised and you have to put them first.

What about sound proofing foam on a roll? Or they have coloured sort of foam squares. Amazon and eBay.

Op i agree with the poster who says go round when the noise happens...

As soon as your kids are woken up by it, throw on a coat and shoes and go round there, knock on the door, and politely ask them to keep the noise down...and keep doing it...I'd keep a diary of all the noise disturbance too,times, dates and how it's affecting you as your family

OP you sound absolutely lovely. I agree that moving the bed away from the wall might help a little bit.

I hope you can come up with a solution.

Like others I suggest white noise. We have an app called sound sleeper running in my son’s room initially because in the summer the neighbourhood kids in gardens made a right racket, bouncing on squeaky trampolines etc. Now we use it all the time so he doesn’t hear us in the evenings (he’s above the kitchen and not much soundproofing). We’ve got the sound sleeper app on an iPad in his room and a sound machine bought from amazon in the baby’s room.

Go round in a bit and say you've got a problem.

Don't do white noise all night!! Constant noise can cause permanent hearing damage.

OP - I have an ASD DD. Her meltdowns are horrendous. I’m forever worrying about the neighbours - one side of the terrace is empty and my landlady says it has been for years (that irritates me quite a lot tbh but that’s a different thread!) so I put DD in the room next to that one. The other side are a house share with people in their 40s/50s who all do shift work.

I also have a toddler and an elder DC. And am a single parent.

We’re out of the house from 7:45am till 6:15pm Mon - Fri (I’m a full time Uni student) so at least the night shift workers aren’t disturbed by her.

It’s maybe only once or twice a week she was a full meltdown. Usually results in me being hurt when I try to stop her from hurting herself or her siblings or damaging her things.

I’d be mortified if the neighbours complained. I’m already doing all I can to prevent any disturbance. But I assume they have a team of medical people like I do so I’d go to them for suggestions, as I’d be stumped.

I agree with going around for a chat when things are quiet and see what she says. There must be something that can be done.

I have white noise machines in both my DC’s rooms to drown each other out. I got them
In boots for around £25 or thereabouts? I put them on quite loud and they work a treat, I’d invest if I were you OP. Might take some getting used to, the baby’s room is attached to mine and I found it annoying at first but now I hate sleeping without it! I know it’s not a long term solution but might help a little while your neighbours come up with a better solution.

I think you will have to be direct and say the noise and the banging means you are all losing sleep and ask if they can make some adjustments.

No matter how sorry you feel for your circumstances your children matter as much as theirs do and they are sleep deprived.