AIBU to be a CF out of sheer desperation/exhaustion?

[PeapodBurgundy]

I need help with how to handle this from people who can think straight.

NDN have 3 DC, 2 of whom have ASD. Their middle child is easily overwhelmed, and when he's not coping, he shrieks and bangs his elbows against the wall. Their youngest (no SN) is very prone to tantrums (the on the floor, screaming and throwing things kind). We've always had a lot of noise through the wall and from the front garden (shared path) through the day, and on a night if you're awake with no TV on, you can hear if he's having a bad night, but nothing that's caused us any bother really. The worst is that on the increasingly rare occasions DS naps, it wakes him, but an early night is enough to remedy that one.

Recently they've swapped around the bedrooms, so now their middle child's bedroom shares a wall with our house. for the past 8 nights (since the swap) he's been awake for the majority of the night, screaming and banging against the wall. DD (5 months) sleeps through it fairly well, but it wakes DS (2). I can't sleep through it even during the windows where both of my DC are asleep. I'm going to make an assumption that on account of the lack of sleep, their DD has been throwing tantrums left right and centre, including on the bench under my front room window, which has woken DS when he's trying to nap throughout the day.

DS is tearful all day, and actually fell asleep on the floor in the library yesterday as he's exhausted. The cherry on the top was my neighbour from the other side making a snarky comment as we were on our way out yesterday about my kids being up all night crying (their bedroom is on the other side of the wall to ours).

I know I can't dictate what they do in their own home, but is it too CF to ask if there's any way they can switch back? I REALLY don't want to be an arsehole over this; it must be so difficult managing their needs, and it's not a noise they can help making, it's not like their choosing for their children to be distressed. On the other hand, I'm exhausted, my kids are exhausted, and I don't see this ending any time soon.

You can hear the noise equally in all of our bedrooms, and it's not much quieter downstairs (I come down to feed DD if DS is asleep to avoid disturbing him as she often has a little chat before going back to sleep). We looked into sound proofing, but even doing a "cheap" hack it will be several thousand pounds to cover the expanse of wall which would need doing. We've tried disturbing the sound by putting the air purifier on the landing so it's between the noise source and us, which has helped a little, but not enough. We can't afford to move (we only bought this place in August).

Any sensible ideas?

God if it wasn’t for details I’d think this was us. Our child sleeps about 4 hours a night. It’s hard to describe the hell of the sleep deprivation day in and day out. We share it, try to stay up in shifts but it’s so relentless. Our youngest is also seeing the meltdowns and has become a tantrumer in response. We have complaints from all sides, even in the summer I sad out at the bottom of the garden and they complained from behind, he made a constant shrill high pitched noise for hours. Short of smothering it was unstoppable.

If talking to them doesn't work OP, how about looking into soundproofing the party wall? There are some reasonably inexpensive things you can do, like fitting a layer of plaster board to that wall, fitting carpet and other soft furnishings, and yes, as someone else said, putting a white noise machine in that room.

It is awful OP. Id say the sellers had enough, My DSIS went to see a house when she was viewing there was major banging and shouting, when she was leaving she seen the neighbour, knew him as a teen and knows very well he has 2 DC with severe ASD.
The owner of the property had enough, she never bought the house but it did sell, it is unfortunate and there is probably very little they can do to change it, it is a shit situation, I would be pissed with the previous owner.
Can they apply for a grant for a wall insulation.

If you Google 'soundproofing a party wall' you'll find lots of advice and suggestions for how to do it.

Op i agree with the poster who says go round when the noise happens...

As soon as your kids are woken up by it, throw on a coat and shoes and go round there, knock on the door, and politely ask them to keep the noise down...and keep doing it...I'd keep a diary of all the noise disturbance too,times, dates and how it's affecting you as your family

I agree.

It's unfortunate that the neighbour parents have these problems, but they're not your family's issues, and you shouldn't all be losing sleep over it to the point that you're falling asleep during the day when you're out of the house.

It sounds like you've been very accommodating about it all - maybe too accommodating - and it's time to let them know there's a problem and that they need to do something about it.

I think you should talk to them to see if there are any other solutions but be aware there might not be. Those people who say go round when it happens etc etc are missing the point that if an autistic child is having a meltdown there is very little to do but wait it out. It is highly unlikely that these people are purposely upsetting their child so that they keep the whole family and their neighbours awake. I am guessing that the noise disturbs them equally! We have two with ASD, one is quiet and has no behaviour problems and pops off to bed with no problems, the other is a completely different character and particularly when he was younger slept poorly, ran around, shrieked etc etc. It was hell for us and probably hell for the neighbours. We did our best to minimise it but there was literally nothing we could do to stop it. That said, I would absolutely be happy to explain what we had tried to minimise it and would do my absolute best to not disturb others. You may well be right that the change of rooms could be to appease another neighbour.

Isn't there any protection for buyers duped into buying a property that has a major noise issues, Children or anti social behaviour.
I know you said renters but not sure if it is NDN who rents, if they do they need to go to the council for priority medical housing, if they own it they need to apply for a sound proof disability grant, either way your family can't live like this. There are options and they need to source them.

can I suggest you record their sounds and show them how loud it all is before you ask. Failing that - you can ask the council for advice as they will record noises about a certain level. They are obviously in a difficult position but you also have a right to a quality of life.

Isn't there any protection for buyers duped into buying a property that has a major noise issues, Children or anti social behaviour.

Caveat emptor! (that's 'buyer beware' if you don't know Latin)

You'll have to say something. You cant help their situation but they can help yours. Feel sorry for everyone involved

Cafenoirbiscuit....Take it from one who knows they will not get soundproofing on a DFG. Any padding ould need to be for safety for the child in question not for noise proofing. I have to interpret that bit of a legislation on a DAILY basis and it doesn't (unfortunately) extend to noiseproofing. OP you sound kind but you need to think of your children too. It not nice being sleep deprived. I dont think knocking on their door will help it may escalate the behaviour further. It's not like it's an adult with a loud TV it's probably a highly stressed parent like yourself wishing their kids would sleep but it isn't your responsibility to deal with. I think a kind honest word would be best appreciated.

Why do people think there are council soundproofing grants?? I sympathise OP, I have two children with ASD myself and haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years. I can’t see how you saying anything will change things: the family will already be doing everything they can to help their children. If they could stop the noise they would.

It might be worth gently inquiring whether your neighbours have looked into asking Social Services for a care assessment with a view to applying for respite care. Also whether they're getting enough help in school, since often meltdowns at home are a reaction to the stresses of the school day.

You are not being a cf at all. I have a dd with ASD and if she disturbed the neighbours like this, I’d personally be looking at sound proofing the connecting wall myself.
It’s a hard situation to be in and I would go round and kindly speak to her, it’s good that you already have a relationship with her to.
I hope they are getting all the outside support and help they need from professionals, for all your sakes.

Blue tooth speaker with free white noise app through it all night has turned my son from an hourly wake to a sleeper. I have horrible screams neighbours.

Love the way people think that SS will offer respite, council will pay for soundproofing or offer a council property because they have children with ASD who are disturbing neighbours. So naive.

How about practice solutions for the family?

Cup of coffee and s chat. Ask how she's coping as you can bear kids up all night. Then direct her towards charities such as new life and bedrooms called safe spaces.
If you get on well then it can all be done in a friendly supporting her way - and you can mention the change of rooms.

I sympathise as I see it from both sides - MH son has asd too. But I'd hate to disturb the neighbours and would always look for a solution to minimise impact on others.

council will pay for soundproofing or offer a council property because they have children with ASD who are disturbing neighbours. So naive.
Believe it or not there are options available for medical priority and disability grants.
ASD is as much of a disability as any other, hidden but there, if the child was in a wc the council can adapt the property or allocate one with wc accessibility it might take a while but anyone in this situation should fight for it.

You are being very understanding, thought I’d offer the view of someone whose neighbour approached us re noise . We had a 1yo when we moved in who was a terrible terrible sleeper, think 6-8 wakes a night etc, were doing all we could, don’t leave to cry etc etc, our neighbour came round and explained nicely that their bedrooms were next to each other so we swapped rooms (lucky I know) and my dd now has the adjoining wall, I appreciated my neighbour doing it nicely, we never wanted to disturb and, whilst there is still noise from us now (dc6+dc3) she is aware I try to keep it down and keep them fe banging- maybe your neighbour just needs a reminder(nicely- which you sound like you would be!)

Whilst in theory grants are available in practice councils will not pay for them except in very extreme situations. As an example I have a child who needed adapted bed, mattress and a window with an integral blind. New special locks required on internal doors. OT said he needed them but there was no chance of funding.

cansu
That is awful, I thought they would be more helpful.

What a tricky one. Clearly they need to sound proof their side, but if they can't afford it then they can't afford it and I'm not sure what the compromise would be. I imagine they're not getting any sleep either. Sad all round really. 😔 Why not invite them over for a drink and a chat and just see if you can come up with anything between you. I think your civil approach is lovely and will probably be a relief for them.

OP you sound like a good neighbour, and a good friend.

To those posters who have suggested throwing on a coat and knocking to complain whenever they hear the noise, no matter the time: do you have any understanding of ASD?? The neighbour is not choosing to make noise. As a parent of an asd child there is nothing more distressing that witnessing my child in meltdown. We’ve had intervention from so many professionals but at the end of the day, there’s not a lot that you can do when you’re in the middle of a full blown meltdown. Luckily, we live in a detached house. But not everyone can afford that!! Just google the stats for parents of sen children in employment to understand why!

It’s an awful situation for the op to be in, but have a little compassion and think how much worse it is for the family making the noise. They’re not playing loud music or having hoiseparties, they’re trying to parent a child with autism!!

Sorry, should have made it clear. My comment about having more compassion was directed at some of the responding posters NOT the op.

Believe me there are not Grant's a available for soundproofing . I am a professional who assess u derby the DFG legislation and there is no section to cover this.