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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a 'user'

31 replies

Squeakysailor · 01/02/2019 20:41

DH does nothing around the house or for the DC. I am just about ok with this for now as I am working part time, however when I up my hours it will be a different story.

Anyway, tonight we had dinner and watched a bit of tv as normal and he's gone in a bit of a grumpy mood with me for no reason.

Last week I told him under no uncertain terms was he to behave like this whilst I was running around doing everything.If he insisted on behaving like that then he would have to start helping out because I'm not running around doing everthing whilst he sits with his feet up and treats me like that. Hmm

I told him tonight that he could put the DC to bed and he's done what he always does and turns on the charm for 5 mins to make me change my mind.

He takes all of the lie ins by coming over all affectionate 5 mins before its time for him to get up so I will get up instead. Hmm

I am so pathetic I know exactly what he's doing and fall for it everytime.

OP posts:
MumW · 01/02/2019 20:45

First thing to change is kicking him out of bed between the legs when it's his turn to get up.
Wet flannel in a bowl under your side of the bed if necessary.Wink

Maelstrop · 01/02/2019 20:45

Then stop fling for it. If he turns on the charm to avoid doing something, walk away. Have you got a dog? I’d literally clip on the leash and be gone with a cheery ‘see you once the dc are in bed, have fun, bye’ or grey rock, ignore, repeat that he’s putting the dc to bed and take the TV remote, turn to something you want to watch. He’s being a twat.

Fiddie · 01/02/2019 20:46

Stop falling for it then.

Original poster
Squeakysailor · 01/02/2019 20:48

Thing is I feel just a stupid 'threatening'him with having to help out if he doesn't behave nicely. How can I handle this better?

OP posts:
Original poster
Squeakysailor · 01/02/2019 20:49

Does anybody else's OH do this?

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 01/02/2019 20:51

No.

Soubriquet · 01/02/2019 20:51

No. My dh actually pulls his finger out of his arse and parents his children and also does housework for his house.

Just like me

TheMythOfFingerprints · 01/02/2019 20:53

To be blunt op, I think it's you that needs to change.
He gets out of basic parenting and adulting as long as he's nice ?!

It's not helping.
He lives there.
He's not 2 my dc helped at 2
He's their parent.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/02/2019 20:53

No of course not.

“Helping out” aka doing his share of looking after the children that dh very definitely wanted is not something I have to “threaten” dh with. It is what he does and I do because we actually quite like the kids. That is why we had them!

Yes - sometimes we are tired and want the odd evening / morning off but mainly we do our share because that is reasonable.

And I don’t have to threaten him to be nice to me or vice verse. We like each other as well. Again - that is why we are married.

CatnissEverdene · 01/02/2019 20:54

Who passed the law that only you had to look after the DC.... he did.

You're an equal in your relationship - time he realised it.

Original poster
Squeakysailor · 01/02/2019 20:55

No, of course not but I am happy to do these things as I only work part time. My issue is with his bad moods - I'm not going to fall over myself to do everything if he's behaving like that.

OP posts:
CottonSock · 01/02/2019 20:55

Um, no. My dh does half at least when home, with no complaints

Original poster
Squeakysailor · 01/02/2019 20:56

If i question anything, he will say 'I work'.

OP posts:
PerryPerryThePlatypus · 01/02/2019 20:58

Jeez he has a great life really. All he has to do is be nice to the skivvy for a few minutes and then she'll buck up her ideas.

icouldwriteabook · 01/02/2019 20:58

Part time or full time, he’s a FATHER.

You don’t have children and then not deal with them especially when you two are actually living together and in a relationship?

Some women don’t put up with this behaviour from their ex’s , let alone their OH? A parent has a responsibility shockingly... to bloody parent.

As for housework&everything else allcdown to you?

You’re the mug. He’s just taken advantage.

Forken · 01/02/2019 20:59

Fucking hell, OP. Don’t threaten him with having to help out. That’s just standard stuff he should already be doing! It’s like threatening him with wiping his own arse. I bet you don’t do that for him, and yet you scurry round as if you’re his mother with everything else, it seems. Put your foot down. No matter how much charm or affection he gives you, (which sounds like a false act to me, since he does it to make you do stuff and not because he just loves you) do NOT give or renegotiate. He HAS to help out, the CF! He is a father and he is a partner. He is not a billionaire with household staff to tend the children and tidy his mess and cook his dinner and see to his clothes. He’s an average bloke and he needs to start pulling his weight to maintain his shared home and his children, or he’ll be learning pretty fast how to do it all on his own in his new, single dad property. That’s what i would tell him. Don’t pussyfoot around it. Be straight or this type of fuckery will continue forever and in a decade you’ll be so resentful of all the years you wasted being someone’s slave for the reward of five minutes of charm.

sugarbum · 01/02/2019 21:02

I don't even know where to start. How long have you put up with this? How old are the dc?

Hidingtonothing · 01/02/2019 21:02

You do know that 'normal' is a partner who is both nice to you and contributes equally (or at least proportionally if they work more hours) to the family don't you? The first thing you need to work out is why you are settling for so much less.

Original poster
Squeakysailor · 01/02/2019 21:05

I suppose I am settling for less at the moment because last year dh was depressed and was awful to live with. The past couple of months things have started to get alot better and I don't want to rock the boat.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 01/02/2019 21:06

I'm not with my useless ex anymore, but for him it worked to give choices eg Do you want to cook dinner or bathe the baby? Rather than me saying we can't eat til I have bathed/ bedded the baby

LordNibbler · 01/02/2019 21:07

The only person to blame for this is you. No one can treat you like a doormat unless you allow them to. He plainly isn't going to change, so you need to.

Xiaoxiong · 01/02/2019 21:08

I can't abide bad moods. DH used to get into a mood once in a while when we first got together, generally when he was hungry, and I put an end to it. I told him he had to take responsibility for his own moods, communicate and talk it out if it's something I did, go for a run, take a bath, eat something, take a nap, whatever, but I wasn't going to be his emotional punchbag or sponge to absorb his bad mood. Obviously he still comes home and vents to me about his day but that's different, I'm not emotionally involved with that and can listen sympathetically. I just can't stand the inexplicable "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" moods.

EhlanaOfElenia · 01/02/2019 21:08

I don't want to rock the boat - and there you have it. He knows exactly how to get what he wants, by rocking the boat just enough to make you back down. Well played Squeakysailor's DH!

Xiaoxiong · 01/02/2019 21:10

Sorry posted too soon. It sounds like he is using his moods to control and manipulate you and you aren't standing up to him for some reason - why is that?

Drogosnextwife · 01/02/2019 21:11

Yes OP my dp is a lazy twat and has to be shamed or forced to do things around the kids and for the kids actually. I don't fall for any of his shit though and just tell him straight get it done or I stop doing things for you. So far now I have stopped putting his washing away, I literally dump it altogether in a pile in the bottom his wardrobe. I don't iron anything for him, I have for the last couple of weeks purposely not made dinners for him because he complained one too many times about not wanting what I had made. He is still very lazy but will do things eventually.