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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just be finding this so incredibly hard!

43 replies

justleaveyourshoeson · 01/02/2019 20:30

I am currently in my 4th month of maternity leave with my little boy and also have a 3 year old daughter. Neither children could be described as being particularly difficult, though my daughter is very active and is not very good at entertaining herself....

I cannot believe how difficult it is! They are both sleepers, so though I'm completely knackered, I'm not sleep deprived. The house is a tip, I rarely manage to make a decent meal, I certainly don't do any exercise or keep up with any hobbies! I generally crawl to bed at 9ish and barely have enough energy to speak to my poor husband let alone anything else. Despite my husband earning a relatively good salary, we are totally skint and I seem totally incapable of budgeting and am slowly building up a whopping credit card debt...

I feel completely useless! I have a lovely supportive husband, close family nearby and lots of good friends and I'm still finding it so hard. I can't imagine how I'm possibly going to manage when I go back to work and need to have a vaguely functioning brain...

I knew having a second would be hard, but just thought that as millions and millions of other people manage it, many in significantly more difficult circumstances than me, then so would I. Every day feels like a crazy endurance test in which it's a miracle no one has died....

OP posts:

ThomasRichard · 01/02/2019 20:34

Did you feel the same way with one child? If not, is anything different second time around? Other than having a second child, of course!

PerverseConverse · 01/02/2019 20:39

Can you sit down with your DP and work out a budget together? What does he do in the house and in terms of childcare? Blitz the house together this weekend so it's easier to keep on top of? Are things fair and relatively equal? Do you get a break from the constant "mummeeeeee!" apart from when you're asleep? Some days are bloody Relentless, I know. Maybe speak to your GP as you could have PND making it harder to cope

Pernickity1 · 01/02/2019 20:42

It’s really hard OP! Many, many people feel like you it’s just not talked about too much as people don’t want others to think they can’t “cope” with motherhood.

You’re right in the thick of it - hang in there. My second is almost 14 months and I feel like I’m just coming out of the fog now! It’s still relentless but the good days are starting to get a little more frequent the older the baby gets.

Be kind to yourself and muddle through these early months however you can. If the house is really getting you down (this was one of my biggest stressors as I hate my house being a tip) then I’d really recommend giving the organised mum method a go (google it if you’re not familiar). This was my New Years resolution and it’s made a huge difference to my house and my mind as a result.

Original poster

justleaveyourshoeson · 01/02/2019 20:57

My husband does work very long hours and is often out of the house for more than 12 hours a day, meaning that I sometimes have to do the double bedtime alone and always have to do dinner/bath. We keep saying we must sit down and do a proper budget together, but never seem to find the time/energy. It'd be great to be able to blitz the house together but it's not possible. The only way is for one of us to take the kids out and the other one to do the housework, but as family time is so limited they always seems a shame.

OP posts:

Seline · 01/02/2019 21:00

I sympathise. My twins are nearly four months old and I've got a three year old with additional needs. I adore my kids but one of ours has been a horrible sleeper so the last few days DH and I have been snapping at each other due to this. It's hard.

EwItsAHooman · 01/02/2019 21:01

I found going from one to two much harder than going from zero to one. There were lots of reasons why but in the main it felt like I spent the early months constantly firefighting as there was always someone needing my attention. All I can say is that it'll turn a corner and get better, I don't know when but it'll gradually get easier as you start climbing the 'how to juggle more than one child' learning curve.

For the money issues could you keep track of what is coming is and what is going out to help you see where you're spending needlessly and where you could save?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/02/2019 21:06

There was a phrase I muttered to myself a lot when my two were that age:-

“Eye of the storm”.

Aka It will get easier!

EwItsAHooman · 01/02/2019 21:07

Could family help you with the house? DH works long hours too including overnight travel now and again so it's hard to schedule in time for things like sorting out the house because I don't want to waste the time that he's home on boring stuff! Plus when he's home I get to sleep late and have a bath and a wee without kids interrupting. Before we moved house I got my mum to come help me with a declutter, I asked her because I know she's ruthless and organised which is exactly what I needed then she played with the DC while I did the the runs to the waste collection centre/charity shop/clothing bank.

HollowTalk · 01/02/2019 21:20

Why are you having double bedtimes? Can't you bath them together and get them into their pyjamas together and make them go to bed at the same time?

It's so tiring at that age - I remember it well!

TheBluesAreStillBlue · 01/02/2019 21:24

I have almost the same age gap but my youngest is now 9 months. And I sympathise - it feels like you are constantly stretched rather than just mostly stretched. I have to do a LOT of solo bedtimes because of DH work pattern and that was the bit that tipped me over the edge. For me the game changer was when the youngest hit aboutb6 months that got so much easier in terms of timings and the 3 yr old getting used to it without dicking around. So I think what I’m trying to say, in a long winded manner, is hang in there! It gets easier!

TheBluesAreStillBlue · 01/02/2019 21:25

@hollowtalk make them go to bed at the same time

Haha. We obviously have VERY different 3 yr olds!!

Teaandcrisps · 01/02/2019 21:25

A wise bird said to me when I had my 2nd - don't try and be the same mum as when you had 1 ie- don't try and do everything! As PP have said it will get better but for now it's messy house and repetitive dinners. Do you have to do baths every night? Simplify everything if u can.

ChloeR81 · 01/02/2019 21:34

Mine are 2 and 5 now but I still remember that first year so well...it was so so hard. So much harder than I thought it would be. Hang in there it does get better.

I also understand regarding the spending, I’ve never spent as much as I did on maternity leave, I found it so isolating and difficult that I’d take the kids out to play centres, cafes etc every day, do loads of online shopping etc just for something to do. Going back to work sorted that right out and I now spend very little. Keeping a track of what I was spending every day and having a daily budget helped a bit. I find Monzo amazing for keeping a track of spending.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 01/02/2019 21:44

Buy ten packs of those cleaning wipes, and lower your standards. Just wipe everything as you go along - kitchen surfaces, bathroom etc and let the rest go a bit.
It doesn't have to be a sterile show home, it just has to be not poisonous/ make you ill!
Bear in mind that beans on toast is a meal and get a slow cooker. Just chuck stuff in on a morning and a meal will appear at tea time. They are fab cos amounts don't matter too much, you can experiment and use whatever you have handy, use cheap stuff, and still end up with delicious results.
And keep reminding yourself, this is not forever. Your son is still very new, your toddler is still getting used to being a sibling, and this stage will pass.
Give yourself a chance to get into a bit of a routine and find out what works for you, and it will get easier in time, honestly.
Just go easy on yourself, and try and relax into it.

Original poster

justleaveyourshoeson · 01/02/2019 21:50

Thanks everyone, the tips are helping. HollowTalk by 'double bedtime' I just mean me putting both children to bed on my own. I do bath them together (though this is energy dependent not every night!) and change them into their pyjamas one after the other, but obviously I can't physically put them into the bed at the same time! I try and put the baby down first, but my daughter tends to stand at the stair gate shouting and wailing 'Mummy I neeeeeeeeeed you' the whole time. It's very calming for us all

OP posts:

RedOrange21 · 01/02/2019 22:05

Your post definitely brought back memories. I think everyone just forgets. I also had sleepers so didn't understand why I felt so exhausted. The turning point came about 5 months when I started to manage to carve out some time for myself. I remember one time my 3 year old climbed onto the high kitchen surface to eat his dinner - it was made, but the baby distracted me, so he improvised and helped himself!!

Original poster

justleaveyourshoeson · 01/02/2019 22:11

Chloe that's exactly it with the spending. I am basically self-medicating with expensive play cafe cake, M&S pre-prepared food and eye-cream... I will try that app!

OP posts:

Buddytheelf85 · 01/02/2019 22:13

I was talking to a colleague who has four children the other day, and he said that he and is wife found 1 child to 2 children by far the hardest transition - much harder than 0-1, 2-3, or 3-4. Because it’s the transition from having a child to children (plural).

Go easy on yourself OP.

Chocolateteapotferryservices · 01/02/2019 22:43

Hobbies and exercise are a pipe dream at this stage! But it will gradually get easier.

Keep things simple, particularly meals. I try and put a wash on every morning, and load dishwasher every night, also pick up toys in the evening so I don't have to wake up to a mess. I'd severely relax my attitude to TV with the three year old. I was also spending loads on soft play cake, so started trying to take my own snacks or do play dates with biscuits instead. It's so hard in the winter. In a few months you can be out and about in playgrounds. Accept all offers of help and be kind to yourself and relax your expectations. Bedtime has been 9pm for me and DH since DC2 was born nearly a year ago!

Confuzzled19 · 01/02/2019 22:58

Hi OP, I am in the same situation with two dcs of similar ages. It’s very, very tough and I u dersyand the relentlessness and constant shit tip you have around you. Think of the positives - they sleep!! I think you need to make some sort of plan - for the day eg activities, for meals etc. Sounds like you have no ‘plan’ for anything. It’s good to mentally organise yourself and then implement strategies

RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 22:58

It will get easier
I promise

I found going back to work so liberating. I got to wee and eat again and twice a week I used a train to London where I also got to READ
It’s okay to admit it’s hard and exhausting it is

Ellieboolou27 · 01/02/2019 23:04

Eat, sleep, function and repeat until 2nd child goes to pre school
Seriously though my 2 had same age gap and I thought I was going to crack!
Going back to work helped but going from 1 to 2 children was a life changer for me, it will get easier maybe not for a while though

Ellieboolou27 · 01/02/2019 23:08

I also posted on here when dc was around 3-4 months and was recommended to read 3 shoes, one sock and no hairbrush to glad I did made me giggle and realise I wasn’t going mad

igglepigglegingin · 01/02/2019 23:08

I completely get it OP. I have an 19 month age gap - 1 and 2yr old and I am only just finding my feet. You will find your rhythm - you've only been a family of 4 for four months - that's a lot to get used to for your eldest, you and your husband. I know you're absolutely shattered, but mentally tick every day off as it's ended. Bedtime will get easier. I bath them together - get baby dressed for bed and do bedtime bottle whilst reading to the eldest so she's not screaming for me!

snackarella · 01/02/2019 23:19

Omg I could've written this!!! Mine is now just 1 and eldest turning 3 on Monday and in some ways it's a little easier and others it's harder!
I can only sympathise - I spend most of my day swearing under my breath! I can't walk anywhere in the house without being followed, double bedtime is so stressful, as like you, my husband is never home
In time.
I never went back to work after my first but I'm sure it's easier 😂😀

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