To just be finding this so incredibly hard!

[justleaveyourshoeson]

I am currently in my 4th month of maternity leave with my little boy and also have a 3 year old daughter. Neither children could be described as being particularly difficult, though my daughter is very active and is not very good at entertaining herself....

I cannot believe how difficult it is! They are both sleepers, so though I'm completely knackered, I'm not sleep deprived. The house is a tip, I rarely manage to make a decent meal, I certainly don't do any exercise or keep up with any hobbies! I generally crawl to bed at 9ish and barely have enough energy to speak to my poor husband let alone anything else. Despite my husband earning a relatively good salary, we are totally skint and I seem totally incapable of budgeting and am slowly building up a whopping credit card debt...

I feel completely useless! I have a lovely supportive husband, close family nearby and lots of good friends and I'm still finding it so hard. I can't imagine how I'm possibly going to manage when I go back to work and need to have a vaguely functioning brain...

I knew having a second would be hard, but just thought that as millions and millions of other people manage it, many in significantly more difficult circumstances than me, then so would I. Every day feels like a crazy endurance test in which it's a miracle no one has died....

You sound completely normal to me! All I can say is keep trying, be very kind to yourself and it gets easier!

You're doing fine, don't berate youself. I bet there are many people in your position, it's perfectly normal.

I remember that period so well, it's completely physically and mentally exhausting. I had 4 children aged 4.5 and under (no multiples) and it was pretty relentless - I was a SAHM until the youngest started school. The house was "lived in", but clean and the children were well fed and had clean clothes. Success! We were financially secure, but my ex DH worked long hours, and was normally out all weekend too. I did all the bedtimes etc.

I can only suggest you choose one weekend where you give the house a thorough clean and tidy top to bottom. Perhaps your DH could take the DC out on the Saturday morning and you do part of the house. He comes home and you have lunch together, then you go out with the DC and he finishes the housework. One that initial big clean is done just try your best to keep on top of it as best you can, by doing something every day. Then for a couple of hours on Saturday mornings you can both do what still needs done, leaving the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday to do nice things together.

You sound overwhelmed, but rake obe step at a time - and breathe.

Agree with apostropheuse for a plan to address the cleaning. Do you have a double buggy? I found that a lifesaver with going from 1 to 2. Our eldest would still nap if I could coax him into it chocolate buttonsand I would go for a long walk with them both, feel like I had got some exercise, and once they had fallen asleep pick a nice park bench to stop at and drink my travel mug of coffee! It gave me a break, them a rest and all of us some fresh air. I appreciate not always possible at this time of year but getting outside always made everything feel better. Lots of second hand double buggies online if you haven't got one.

I second walking. Dc3's afternoon nap walk was my saviour. I got a 2 mile walk in and he had a lovely nap. Fresh air for us both and peace and quiet and that mental head space. When dd1 and 2 were 3 and 1 on a Sunday when my then Husband was at work from
7am to 9.30pm I used to stick them in the buggy and get the bus out into the country village so they fell asleep. The bus driver was most amused that I just wanted to go to the terminus and then just come back again. That hour was my sanity. I don't drive so couldn't take them out in the car.
Walking is still my saviour now if ds who is 4 is cranky and tired. We head off on our usual route down the leisure track and he usually falls asleep. Two miles exercise and he stays asleep long enough for me to have a cup of tea in peace and tidy up once back.

Parenting little ones is such a mind fuck. I had 4 under 5 and if you told me I could have the 4mth old and nearly 3 yr old only for the day I’d think I was on holidays😂 But weirdly when I had just a 4mth old and a 22month old I though I’d die from the stress and pressure. I wish we could all parent with the experience of having loads of small kids. So I often wonder if there is any way to teach ourselves to let go a bit more of the stress. Now on my 4th I love them the same but don’t jump the minute baby cries (because I’m busy) and my tummy isn’t a knot of anxiety when they don’t nap as planned. I don’t beat myself up for using the TV or handing out a biscuit so I can go to the loo. It takes me literally 15mins to get everyone sorted and into the car along with bags packed and everything I need. People with just one or two complain about it taking an hour. I remember it taking me an hour.

What I’ve realised is that there’s s million ways to do thinks so first and foremost, do what suits you. If the baby does an explosion when putting him in the car I leave the 3 yr old strapped in shouting and complaining for the 4 mins it takes to sort out baby and be back out rather than taking everyone back into the house like I might have in the old days. What I’ve noticed is that all the kids are quite cooperative as a result, they know things change and that I can’t just run to them for every little whim it do things the ‘nice’ way that they want because we simply have to get on with it.

So my advice is, and it might be impossible, but parent like you have 4. It leaves no room for the kids running the show which I’m turn makes you feel like you are in charge again. I think people don’t realise how much stress and anxiety is tied up in feeling like you’ve no control of what goes on around little ones.

It will get easier! I echo the suggestion of afternoon walks. Energy management my step father called it.
Also, yes family time at the weekends is important but 1 day of your DH taking the kids out for the day whilst you get on top of the laundry, batch cook etc, will make the week ahead so much easier, and give you a break from them, which is permissible! Will help your DH to see what the reality of being with two young children is really like.

Get a routine - library Monday, soft play Tuesday etc
Get a cleaner
Get a babysitter
Leave the house on your own at the weekend even if it's to go to the shops / have a coffee

I also very much agree with the practical advice from the two above posters. I was more musing about the psychological part of being a mum to little ones.

Is your 3 year old in pre school OP? If not can you look to put her in for at least 2 or 3 mornings a week?

Can you call in a favour from grandparents etc to try and get a weekend to focus on the house?

I only have one (second due shortly) only way I can even think about coping is by keeping DS1 in nursery otherwise I think I'd go mad!

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the advice. I hadn't thought of getting a double buggy as my eldest hasn't really used a buggy for a long time, but actually that could work really well. I'm sure some exercise would help my well-being, especially if they go to sleep and I can listen to some music/drink coffee. I tend to take them out in the car at the moment, but we can't really afford all the petrol and I feel guilty about all the unnecessary pollution!

It's been another tricky day today. My husband is out at work 7-7. We went to a play farm (despite the snow)... I ended up spending money I can't afford and my poor daughter had 3 lots of diarrhoea (she's had it on and off for around 5 months, lots of tests, food diaries etc. but no one has any idea of the cause...) so we spent most of the time on the loo while my baby was strapped to the baby change thingy crying...

My daughter is in nursery for 1.5 days a week, we can't afford any more. I find the drop off and pick up so stressful it's almost not worth it. Having said that, I can't believe how easy it feels to just have the baby on those days. They are the times I manage to clean and cook!

My poor husband will be back out to work (he has another very part-time job, which is also sort of his hobby but pays very well) at 10pm until 3.30am, so I definitely can't ask him to get up with the kids in the morning... He has Wednesdays off but also works till 2am on Tuesdays so is always exhausted.

Your DH's working pattern sounds very full on, is it possible to look at changing that at all? It's no wonder you're both exhausted if you never get a break and your DH is working such crazy hours.

Do you get the free nursery hours? Are you using the tax free childcare?

Yeah it is a bit brutal at the moment... He basically has one job that is secure, the pay is OK and the hours are a bit long (about 45 hours a week). It also takes him around 45 minutes to get there/back. Then he has a second job that has a very high hourly rate, is very specialist and is unlikely to last. He does that for 10 hours a week 10-4am on a Saturday and 10.30-2.30am on a Tuesday. He could give up the second job, but it was make things extremely hard for us financially (almost impossible) as I am only earning statutory maternity pay and we have a whopping mortgage. I think also because we know that work dry up at some point anyway we feel we should 'make hay....' We do use our 20 hours a week (actually using 15 hours all year round).

It's a tough gap and mine was similar. It'll get easier I promise and in no time eldest will be in school which gives you so much more breathing space.

I found going from 1-2 unbelievably hard too. 0-1 was a breeze but a baby and a toddler was so much more work than I had imagined!

If you both work are you not entitled to the 30 hours (22 stretched?) You can use the tax free childcare alongside this so might be worth looking at that too? If you could get your 3 year old into preschool 3 or 4 mornings a week I think that might help quite a bit?

Any option for DH to work from home or use holiday to have an extra day off one a fortnight or something? I don't think it's a surprise you're finding it tough to be honest, you're both properly flat out!

Also, have you ever overpaid on your mortgage? Can you take a payment holiday or drop to interest only just for 6 months or so until you go back to work?