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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate cannabis?

59 replies

Dunin · 01/02/2019 19:46

I’m not a smoker and never have been but I live with one. He’s a “recreational” user but I find his moods unpredictable (when he’s not smoking) and he has weird/paranoid thoughts/feelings. It’s very hard to have a normal adult conversation with him. Grumpy one minute, high the next (when smoking). Does anybody else (non smoker) live with a smoker? How do you feel about it? How does it impact your relationship? Wondering if I’m BU to hate it and wondering if I’m OTT about it and it’s impact?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dunin · 01/02/2019 21:40

Thanks everyone. I’m reading all the responses with interest

OP posts:
HelmutFrontbut · 01/02/2019 22:07

I've been in a relationship with a smoker and it nearly destroyed me. He was lovely when he was high but a cunt when not; abusive, nasty and paranoid. I never managed to work out if it was the weed that made him a cunt or if he used it to cover up his true personality (I suspect the latter) but I got rid of him pretty sharpish. Oh and he was a 'musician' which made it ok to skin up first thing in the morning Hmm

Pk37 · 01/02/2019 22:20

I despise it and my dh is not a smoker thankfully or it would have been a deal breaker .

Slippersandacuppa · 01/02/2019 22:31

I don’t have first hand experience (other than spending hours just waiting for something fun to happen while my then boyfriend and all of his friends got stoned. I got very bored of that) but my mum’s best friend is now single after having hidden her ex husband’s weed habit for decades. He now. Grandfather, has wracked up loads of debt and is nowhere near the person he used to be when we were all little. It’s like he’s just smoked his brain cells away or something. He makes really odd decisions about things. It’s been really sad watching them go through the last few years, and their kids too.

And my close friend is married to a massive weed smoker. First thing in the morning to last thing at night. He’s inconsiderate, paranoid, selfish, controlling and abusive. She sees all that now and, after some infidelity came to light, asked him to choose either her or the weed. He picked the weed. She can’t seem to leave him. Obviously, he may be like that without the weed but it’s ruling his life and not leaving much room for his family. His warped view on things that happen regarding his family, causes endless stress. Another very sad thing to watch. I don’t know whether I think it’s better or worse than alcohol but I don’t really think that’s the point.

I couldn’t be with someone like that but I know these things are easier said than done - oh, something my mum’s friend said to us has just come to mind. She said she wishes he had just left her 20 years ago so she wasn’t facing being single at her age :(

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 01/02/2019 22:36

YANBU.

I work in a school and I can't tell you how many bright, talented young men with bags of potential we have lost to cannabis. It's soul destroying watching them change from being motivated, positive and interested in the world to becoming withdrawn, disengaged and apathetic.

I couldn't cope with that in a partner and I definitely wouldn't want DC around it.

RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 22:45

He is the problem potentially not the marijuana
I don’t have any issues with marijuana use but I do with poor, insensitive, changeable or thoughtless behaviours

Rachelweasel · 01/02/2019 23:01

YANBU. I lived with a stoner, it was a nightmare. We couldn't get any sense out of him while he was high and he would steal to fund his habit. He'd have a couple of days every few months when he wanted to stop and he was a different person overnight. Then he'd be back on it again and the cycle would go on and on.

He's finally stopped after 10 years because he's fallen in love for the first time 😊

Pleasedontdrawonyoursister · 01/02/2019 23:13

Sadly my OH is completely addicted to the stuff. He always says he will quit but I actually dread when he does as he is awful! Miserable, snappy and takes it out on me and our children. He inevitably starts again within weeks so we have to go through the cycle again. He tries to hide it from me but I can smell it at 9am in the morning through to when he goes to bed. It’s a nightmare, I can’t even have people over for fear they’ll smell it. Biding my time to leave...

Sickoffamilydrama · 01/02/2019 23:22

Sadly my little brother smoked it from young and I'm sure that's part of the reason he has loads of health issues now and is a frequently a nasty piece of work.
He was always a lovely kid and you sometimes see glimpses of the old/real him.
I don't have much contact with him anymore sadly because of his behaviour.

Squigglesworth · 01/02/2019 23:31

YANBU to want a life without weed in it, even peripherally (which it doesn't sound like this is, anyway). He can of course do what he wants with his life, but if he knows it bothers you and isn't willing to stop using, maybe it's time to find someone who's more on the same wavelength as you.

Original poster
Dunin · 02/02/2019 07:03

Thank you everyone. Really useful and interesting responses.

OP posts:
hendricksy · 02/02/2019 07:14

Me too.. bin him... I'd never be with someone who smoked it !

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/02/2019 07:17

I used resin at the weekends in the early 80s, then I moved away from a regular supply. In the late 90s I had a single toke of herbal, and it put me on the floor for two hours, followed by a week of paranoia.

It has its place in treatment, but we're going to ever legalise, there need to be very strict controls on the active compounds. Right now, the growers are aiming at bang for buck. We don't drink 95 abv alcohol for fun, do we?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 02/02/2019 07:18

Oh, and YADNBU, OP.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/02/2019 07:33

YANBU

It’s creating far worse problems with young people than alchol or other drugs especially with boys and men and seriously impacting their mental health

If he isn’t going to quit I would suggest you move on it won’t get any better

Iseverynametaken · 02/02/2019 07:39

Husband smokes occasionally. He's just chilled (and funny) whilst high, never paranoid/lethargic/moody. He only ever does it when appropriate so doesn't interfere with work/social or home life in anyway. I guess thats the difference, it doesn't bother me. If it's becoming an issue to the point that his attitude towards you is causing you upset, then its time to have a conversation about it.

Iseverynametaken · 02/02/2019 07:42

I also forgot to add, my DH can go weeks to months without it, then will use it mulitple times a week or once or twice on occasion depending on whay he feels like. He also has a rule to himself he only does it after a certain time of day (when he wont have work related calls etc) so I guess I wouldn't at all call him addicted.

trulybadlydeeply · 02/02/2019 07:46

Unpredictable moods, paranoid thoughts, and it's hard to have a normal conversation with him. Regardless of what is causing that, it sounds a very sad and lonely life for you.

maddening · 02/02/2019 07:53

How do you know he is not just generally grumpy?

Birdsgottafly · 02/02/2019 07:55

Leave him, it'll only get worse. Plan for a shit storm when you do. My DD has just got out of her five year relationship. His head was completely gone.

Depending on were you are and what he's smoking, it could be mixed with heroin, or other stuff.

This is the real issue. The 'Weed' around now, particularly in the North isn't the same as what was about even 5-10 years ago.

It's addictive, is causing the same physical and Mental issues as harder drugs, but no-one who smokes it thinks of it in those terms.

Thankfully the Police and Courts are well aware if they are needed to be contacted or used.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 02/02/2019 08:02

YANBU I 'lost' the lovliest boyfriend to weed. He had a terrible upbringing. Genuinely awful and I think that's why he starting smoking it, to take the edge off his life. His Bro smoked it too but he joined the army and turned his back on it. My BF carried on with it and met me. I begged him to stop. This was back when it was more like grass than the skunk and stuff you can get now. He couldn't or wouldn't. He tried and tried but could not leave it alone. It is addictive. Maybe not technically as in a medical way but maybe the feeling is addictive. I left him but saw him occasionally. We even went to a concert years later and it was clear he was off his head from the minute I collected him to when I dropped him off so I suspect for him it was a gateway drug?

The thing is he had so much more potential than the brother that joined the army and who made an amazing life for himself. He was cleverer, wittier, better looking and a much nicer person but he never even learned to drive. He went from job to job getting the sack when they realised he was baked half the time. He now has MS and is being cared for by his girlfriend. He is STILL using it. He still has the most beautiful face albeit ravaged. Even now, when I see him forty years later I realise I still have feeling for him and just want to cry at the waste. You are right to hate cannabis OP. It is heinous stuff.

CocoDeMoll · 02/02/2019 08:05

My dh smokes weed/skunk blend from about 4pm every day. I’m not a smoker. It’s tricky because I don’t want him out of action from the late afternoon everyday but at the same time he’s so much nicer to be around once he’s started his evening routine. Long term use really gives people a Jeckell and Hyde personality.
Do you have kids? I find having to always be on standby as the default parent really tricky. He’s obviously never done any night stuff with either babies so it’s all been on me.

On the other hand he’s not wasting his life away doing nothing. He’s very talented and creative and (although out of work at the moment) is a real grafter. He loves his job and working.

Dh without it: not so good. Pre children we would go abroad on holidays and until he could get some weed (this could eat up a whole precious day of holiday time finding a dealer) he was a mess. He would literally break down and be shaking and crying under a table or be scarily aggressive. He’s got good connections here and so never has to go a day without it thank god.

It’s a life consuming rhing for him.

CocoDeMoll · 02/02/2019 08:10

Forgot to say as well. New thing is he seems to be getting more and more immersed in conspiracy theory’s. Doesn’t want me to vaccinate the kids, thinks drones are following us all etc...

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 02/02/2019 09:28

Weed smokers love a conspiracy theory

It’s a dead give away

He utter nonsense I have heard from some and that is people without a mh diagnosis

PregnantSea · 02/02/2019 09:33

Before we planned our family my husband and I used to smoke weed sometimes at parties, or if we went for a weekend away and it was appropriate. We always really enjoyed it - it was a great alternative to alcohol and never interfered with day to day life.

I think, like anything, the problems start when someone is using any narcotic substance every day. That's when people's behaviour starts changing. It's a bit sad really. From a health perspective it's better than being an alcoholic, but so what - you don't need to be with someone who is addicted to anything, it doesn't matter if the addiction "isn't as bad" as something else.

Maybe it's time for you to move out?