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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with my ex.

39 replies

snowman72 · 01/02/2019 16:00

So my dcs live with me full time always have. Their dad sees them every other weekend and every other Monday for a few hours. He's usually pretty reliable with this but since he's got a girlfriend he's becoming less and less reliable. He'll book a holiday with her over the weekend he supposed to be having them and this weekend he's due to have them but decided not to have them because today is his girlfriends birthday and he wants to take her out.

It seems really unfair that he'll book 3 weeks on a cruise then doesn't see them on the gfs birthday. He admits his gf doesn't like them so she spends no time with them and doesn't bother with them on their birthday. He also has told them she feels uncomfortable around them and seems jealous of any attention they get yet he's planning on moving in with her. They are saying to me how is that going to work if she doesn't want to spend time with us. I'm so cross with him.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 01/02/2019 16:04

I was kind of on the fence about his holiday and her birthday until you said she doesn’t like them, is jealous and uncomfortable around them. I don’t see why he’s carrying on a relationship with her and how he possibly sees it working out well.

Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 20:50

Well exactly, when my dd holds his hand she pushes her off and says I much prefer to be on this side Shock

OP posts:
MumW · 01/02/2019 21:20

How old are the DCs?

Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 21:25

My ds is 12 and my dd is 14 hence the jealousy

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 01/02/2019 21:27

Why is a 14year old holding her df hand I fine that abit odd tbh.

RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 21:28

Firstly the jealousy might not be a one way street.
It is okay for his girlfriend to not be interested in the kids.

It is not okay for him to not see them. Why didn’t you both share parenting 50/50 from the beginning of the split?

Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 21:30

@RonaldMcDonald well because that's what we agreed and he couldn't do a 50/50 working a full time job were as I went part time so I could be there for them, but don't really know what that has to do with it!

OP posts:
Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 21:32

@Snappedandfarted2019 wtf? Well actually I think it was linking arms to be exact but no that is not weird at all, how dare you!

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 21:37

snowman I was asking because of your first comment. It always seems unfair to cut parental residency due to full time employment and I wonder if that affects how parents then behave....
If you had been working full time and he part time would the custody split have been the same?

Oswin · 01/02/2019 21:42

Ronald this is a man who is letting down his children on a regular basis and exposing them to emotional harm, I really fucking doubt he would have been up for being the resident parent.

Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 21:42

I've no idea @RonaldMcDonald, that was so long ago now. All I can say is he wasn't particularly interested in having much more and I am so glad I have them full time, just like everyone else I need a break sometimes and i do have all the responsibility tbh sometimes that is hard but I love them so much you just do it don't you!

OP posts:
MumW · 01/02/2019 21:42

Would your DD be comfortable just shrugging it off with "Ok", moving to the side and then linking arms with GF In the middle?
Or just shrug and say "Sorry, my bad, forgot that was your favourite side" and move around to the other side.
And just keep repeating.
Guess it would depend on DD's character and confidence.

I'd be a bit annoyed at ex's insensitivity but the DC are both old enough to make their own minds up and will stop seeing him if he keeps pushing them out.

I don't find your DD holding hands/linking arms at all odd. Both my DDs are older and regularly walk like this with their Dad. I think it's lovely that they still feel comfortable being close to him. I'd do it with my Dad if I could.

Oswin · 01/02/2019 21:44

No snapped it's not odd. Most normal people don't find it odd. Find it odd that's the bit you found worthy to comment on, not on the pair of absolute shites inflicting this on children.

Oswin · 01/02/2019 21:45

And Ronald it's not OK to get with a man with teenage children and not want them around.

RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 21:46

oswin how do you know that?

mineofuselessinformation · 01/02/2019 21:48

OP, let him get in with it - but record each and every time he refuses contact (by email or text message is even better as you have a written record).
It's all fuel to the fire that your dcs might decide they don't want to see him any more (if that's what they decide to do - at their age they will be listened to).
It doesn't help with you getting any 'down time', though. Thanks

RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 21:48

oswin you seem to know more about this dad that the OP Grin

user1493413286 · 01/02/2019 21:49

Sorry but I dont agree with PP that it’s ok for her not to be interested in the kids.
To me my DD is the most important person in my life so a potential partner has to be “interested” in her at the absolute minimum. I also know that my DH wouldn’t have continued things with me whatsoever if I wasn’t interested in his DD and even more so if I didn’t like her.

user1493413286 · 01/02/2019 21:53

And the only thing I find odd in all this is a grown woman in a romantic relationship being jealous of a child. I have had lots of mixed emotions due to being a step parent but I’ve never been jealous of my stepdaughter.

Oswin · 01/02/2019 21:56

It's in the op. He is letting his children down regularly. While allowing them to be exposed to someone who is jealous and doesn't want them around.
You think that sounds like someone who is in any way a decent parent? Like someone who would parent full time?

Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 22:01

Well I'm a step parent too, my dsd's both link arms with my dp at times, I don't feel jealous at all and if I pushed either of them away firstly dp would have something to say and my sd would hate me! It would certainly cause problems with our relationship. And no I don't think my dd would be able to swap sides or go in the middle but she's not the adult here, surely it should be the gf or their dad that does that Hmm

OP posts:
IamFrauBlucher · 01/02/2019 22:10

My DS is 13 and holds hands with me frequentlyunless he sees his mates and then breaks free and swaggers alongside what a ridiculous thing to find odd.

snitzelvoncrumb · 01/02/2019 22:11

I would be annoyed. Perhaps you could ask him how he is going to feel when the kids stop wanting to see him?

Original poster
snowman72 · 01/02/2019 22:37

Well they are worried about them moving in together, no matter what they do love their dad, I have told them they don't have to like his gf but they mustn't be rude. I think they will still want to see their dad but more just in their own like meeting for lunch or something but my dd in particular gets upset when he goes somewhere with gf when he supposed to be seeing them. He just doesn't bother with them in the week, no texts no phone calls even if he knows they are ill it drives me mad

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 01/02/2019 23:02

It might be that your kids aren’t being particularly lovely to the new girlfriend
Sometimes dad’s new girlfriend is really resented and given a hard time by his kids
Maybe she is interested but frozen out
Maybe they use power plays against her

We’ll never know. As long as she isn’t mean give her the benefit of doubt
He doesn’t get a pass for not seeing the kids

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