To be annoyed with my ex.

[snowman72]

So my dcs live with me full time always have. Their dad sees them every other weekend and every other Monday for a few hours. He's usually pretty reliable with this but since he's got a girlfriend he's becoming less and less reliable. He'll book a holiday with her over the weekend he supposed to be having them and this weekend he's due to have them but decided not to have them because today is his girlfriends birthday and he wants to take her out.

It seems really unfair that he'll book 3 weeks on a cruise then doesn't see them on the gfs birthday. He admits his gf doesn't like them so she spends no time with them and doesn't bother with them on their birthday. He also has told them she feels uncomfortable around them and seems jealous of any attention they get yet he's planning on moving in with her. They are saying to me how is that going to work if she doesn't want to spend time with us. I'm so cross with him.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

So it's my dcs fault then. Sorry @RonaldMcDonald no I don't agree!

And no I don't think my dd would be able to swap sides or go in the middle but she's not the adult here, surely it should be the gf or their dad that does that hmm
I was sort of thinking alomg the lines of being deliberately accommodating so that the GF isn't succeding in causing a divide. Beat her at her own game so to speak.

she's not the adult here, surely it should be the gf or their dad that does that
I agree entirely, she shouldn't have to but he's not standing up for her.

But she is being mean. She's literally pushing them away from him.

snowman how would your stepkids have initially told their mum about you?
It is fair enough to suppose that this girl might be going through something similar?
Not everything boyfriends kids say is true or fair but it can be their way of dealing with things.....

It sounds like your ex has kicked a real winner...... 🙄

I'd be tempted to ask him if you and he can sit down minus the kids, and talk through some issues. He needs to see that however much he loves his new partner, his kids come first. That your kids aren't feeling important to him or wanted and that if he has to choose someone who so openly dislikes your children, then can he at least make a proper arrangement to see them regularly but out of their home maybe, without the new partner, so it's less awkward. Means not staying over, but they're probably getting a bit big for sleepovers now anyway (well, at 14 maybe).

Just thinking of adapting the contact so it provides better quality of time between him and particularly your daughter, even if it means just in the day time. And that it would be under the provision his partner didn't join them because she will get to see him the rest of the time and she doesn't want a relationship with your kids anyway

YANBU. If your children are telling you they are worried dad's moving in with a woman who doesn't like them.

He is prioritising her over his kids. It's not acceptable behaviour. Possibly if he said to your children it's XX birthday on XX day and I'd like to take her away, can we swap weekends? - that might be understandable.

Dad's home should also be there home...how will it be if she doesn't want them there.

....sorry posted too soon....

If this is Dad's first girlfriend there may be an element of your kids being jealous as they are having to share him for the first time......but dad should be helping to navigate that....not make it worse. - many men are rubbish at this.... Then his girlfriend would surely push things along in a way that benefits her.....which is good relationship with his kids. If neither he nor girlfriend are trying to do this then he's being an a. Kids first. They didn't ask to have separated parents. And he's being very unreasonable not staying in contact during the week. Can your kids facetime him etc?

Look I'm not stupid I have step daughters myself and yes they have both been through the hate me stage as they've turned into teenagers. Some how we've got through it and I've been with their dad 7 years now an married so it's a bit different. There was jealousy with their mum then but it's all settled down now. I've never interfered with their time with their dad though, when I wasn't living with them dp always put his dcs before me and he had them 50% of the time and still does.
This isn't about bashing the gf, I've met her a few times I don't dislike her and she has no children so to suddenly be around teenagers is so hard for her particularly my dd as she does adore her dad and despite what a pp said about she's too big to stay over she likes to, their dad as shit as he can be does take them places they like to go he's taking them on Holliday this year for instance. I know plenty of teenagers who still like to stay over at their dads. I did too as my parents were divorced. I did in my 20's sometimes.

My concern is he is dropping them more and more due to spending time with his gf. He only sees them every other weekend as it is. My 2 enjoy seeing him and when he drops them I see the disappointment in their faces. It's 2 nights a month he has them I don't understand why it's so hard to keep to that when I have them the rest of the time. Myself and dp don't get alone time on one of our birthdays or a week or more to go on holiday alone. We will when they've all left home etc so will wait till then. You know he doesn't deal with any of the school issues they may have or problems or discipline or running around after them. He is mute when he doesn't see them as he's with his gf so surely the small amount of time he does have them he should stick to!!!?

Oh being her birthday should I be getting them a card to give to her, or is that their dads job

Definitely dad's job. Unless the girls ask you to help then up to you to decide if you want to.

RonaldMcDonald,

The girlfriend is an adult. The kids are not. Her behaviour is beyond the pale.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. But it seems your ex has, for the time being, made his choice. I do suggest you buy a birthday card for the girlfriend from the kids. Mail it to the ex’s address.

If your DH can step up for your kids, particularly your daughter, that will provide them with a father figure they are lacking. I second the suggestion of a written record when the ex fails to follow through.

Unfortunately, the reality is, the girlfriend holds the high cards here, and it seems she is more important to the ex than his children. So, you’re going to have to step in to fill that void. Never criticize him or the girlfriend. Eventually, your children will see and understand the truth.

Snappy much OP?

Why post on AIBU... your going to get differing views. Maybe posting on the step parenting board would have been better?

He sounds like a shit dad though

He is a shit dad and he has shown his DC who his priority is by not seeing them as arranged. I had a dad like this and hardly saw him as a teenager. I went NC with his when I was 19. Saw him once when I was 44 just as dementia was setting in. His loss and he missed out on his grandkids. Your DC will make there own choices.

@snowman72 it's so sad that adults can be so thoughtless. A grown woman interfering with the relationship between father and children? Is she that insecure?
My father completely forgot about us once he started a relationship with his new woman. I blame him not her. He allowed it we were his children.
I'll have a strong word with him or demand more money to take the kids somewhere nice to compensate them when he lets them down. I also think money will become a problem because he is spoiling the girlfriend.
Kids grow so fast and soon they won't be interested to go out with him.