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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask wtf is a 'primary partner'?

33 replies

LookMumNoFeet · 01/02/2019 10:50

I met someone through a shared hobby and he kept talking about his primary partner and how he lives with her at the weekend and with his mates for the rest of the week.
I didn't feel comfortable to ask him what it meant
Does anybody know what it means? It is that she's his main girlfriend but he's allowed to shag other people?
Or am I just too old to understand the concept?

OP posts:

Chouetted · 01/02/2019 11:05

Yeah, I think you've basically understood it correctly.

Polarbearflavour · 01/02/2019 11:08

It’s the world of the future where polyamory will be legal! It’ll be cool to be in a five person relationship and if you don’t agree no doubt you will be seen as bigoted/old fashioned.

waitingforthenextbus · 01/02/2019 11:11

Sounds like he's 'poly' so yes he can have relationships with other people. I just met some who's 'pan poly' - looked it up. She'll basically shag anyone of any gender, or sex, and more than one at a time! Didn't endear her to me I have to say. Also, she comes across as a right handful.

waitingforthenextbus · 01/02/2019 11:12

Being 'poly' by the way doesn't necessarily mean you run around shagging all and sundry - it usually means have more than one RELATIONSHIP at a time. Where people get the time and energy I just don't know!

FigandVanilla · 01/02/2019 11:13

Polyamory is already legal.

Some people are openly in relationships with more than one person at a time. These relationships have to be managed carefully to ensure that everybody’s expectations are understood, and needs being met.

It absolutely wouldn’t be for me, but I have no issue with any other adults doing it as long as it’s consensual, and everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Polarbearflavour · 01/02/2019 11:16

I rather meant married to several people at once. Look how much the world has changed in the past 50 years. Mark my words - polyamorous marriages will be the next big thing!

Original poster

LookMumNoFeet · 01/02/2019 11:16

Glad I understood it roughly correctly.
To be honest, he would have probably been fine if I had asked him about it.
It does sound like a lot of work though.

OP posts:

Original poster

LookMumNoFeet · 01/02/2019 11:19

Mark my words - polyamorous marriages will be the next big thing!

I wonder if that's bound to bring more unhappiness in relationships?

OP posts:

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/02/2019 11:29

I met someone through a shared hobby and he kept talking about his primary partner and how he lives with her at the weekend and with his mates for the rest of the week.

It's like the old how do you know if someone is vegan joke - dont worry they'll tell you. They're not just happy being poly they have to tell everyone just how unconventional and unique they are. All very attention seeking.

Racecardriver · 01/02/2019 11:32

Well that’s a bit cringeworthy.

Starfish · 01/02/2019 17:11

How is it cringeworthy?

LuvSmallDogs · 01/02/2019 17:31

Just another flavour of weirdo getting progressive-cred.

GhettoFabulous · 01/02/2019 17:39

Right, because monogamists never talk about their partners.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 01/02/2019 17:41

It's 'polyam' not 'poly'. Which is short for polyamorous, which means more than one partner.

'Open relationship' is having a partner but you have permission to sleep with other people.

Polygamy is marriage to more than one person, and is illegal in this country but works for many people in other countries, such as some fundamentalist Christians and some Asian religions.

Pansexual (I'm this one) Is merely a sexual orientation. I beer towards men, my partner is male. But I've previously dated women, pre-op transsexuals, post op transsexuals, transvestites, people who like me identify as non binary.

Some of us fall for the person inside, not the package.

I admit, the polyam people I've known have been rather loud in a vegan way about it. I just nod and smile. I don't care what anyone is as long as they're happy.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 01/02/2019 17:42

Beer towards? Fucksake. Must be beer o'clock. We are snowed in, after all 😂

Seline · 01/02/2019 17:42

It's polyamoury.

Good luck to them. I barely know 5 people I'm willing to consider friends let alone have as a partner.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/02/2019 17:44

Right, because monogamists never talk about their partners.

Their partners yes, but to go indepth about their sleeping arrangements for the week is abit oversharing for a casual conversation with someone you hardly know.

FigandVanilla · 01/02/2019 18:11

I rather meant married to several people at once.

That’s polygamy, not polyamory. Works in some cultures.

straightjeans · 01/02/2019 18:16

Some of us fall for the person inside, not the package.

Can pansexuals come up with something else? We get it, you're better than those of us who do care about what genitals we put in our mouths.

Chouetted · 02/02/2019 07:00

It's definitely currently called "poly" too, I've heard that a lot in conversations where the meaning was polyamorous. I've never heard anyone shorten the word "polygamy", but maybe it differs in polygamous communities.

FigandVanilla · 02/02/2019 08:29

straightjeans why so defensive? I don’t think that was meant as a slight. It’s just a way of expressing that for some people, a person’s sex isn’t a determining feature of whether or not you’re attracted to them. It’s not a criticism of people who don’t feel that way.

Knittink · 02/02/2019 08:57

Or ,possibly, it's a way of insinuating that it's somehow more superficial and less inclusive to be sexually attracted to someone (or not) based on what sex they are. And insinuating that anyone who does so does not care as much as a pansexual person about their partner's personality, only their genitalia. Oddly enough, it's perfectly possible to care about both.

NotANotMan · 02/02/2019 08:59

I've never heard anyone use 'polyam' rather than poly and I know a fair few poly people. I'm currently exploring the poly lifestyle myself though I wouldn't tell someone I didn't know well about it.

WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 02/02/2019 09:08

I've never heard polyam before. All the poly people I know call it poly.

It's not for me though.

noego · 02/02/2019 09:10

I wish people would get the facts right before commenting......

I can be described as a RA, poly and asexual. (hate labels) A person could be in a marriage and love their friends so they could be described as poly. People assume that it means shagging around. IT DOESN'T.
It quite simply means having the capacity to love more than one. It doesn't have to be sexual.

Quote.
Polyamory n : is the non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical
philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Polyamory
emphasizes consciously choosing how many partners one wishes to be involved
with rather than accepting social norms which dictate loving only one person
at a time. Polyamory is from the root words Poly (meaning “many”) and Amour
(meaning “love”); hence “many loves” or Polyamory.

Polyamorous Definition? The first thing to understand is that anyone who is Polyamorous is not just interested in having sex with lots of different people. This is generally a common mis-conception and generally misunderstood by the public.

To be polyamorous simply means that you are not monogamous in your relationships. However, poly people and their lovers will generally have many relationships and believe you can love and have meaningful relationships with more than just one person. Many believe that monogomy is not natural for them and could lead people to be unhappy and even cheat in the long term. That simply is how the polyamorous definition is properly explained. Polyamoruous people practice Polyamory (see dictionary meaning above) and are also known as Poly people.

My ex was non-monogamous. They just didn't have the decency to tell me :) ergo Cheating.

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