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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be called "mum"?

62 replies

AllourmoneygoesonAptamil · 01/02/2019 09:51

... Or any variation of? (mummy, mam etc) I have an 8 mo DS who I adore, but I had a less than ideal experience of being parented myself and really can't deal with being called mum/mam/mummy myself. As he learns to talk, AIBU that I want him to call me by my first name? (it's short and easy to say) Does anyone else do this? Please no judgement just trying to do my best and make a good life for my LO. TIA

OP posts:

Tighnabruaich · 01/02/2019 13:18

A former partner of mine called his parents by their first names and always had. They were all happy with the situation. Even when he was referring to them, he wouldn't say 'mum and dad did so-and-so' but 'Jane and Fred did so-and-so'.

Stifledlife · 01/02/2019 13:20

I'm not sure how you are going to get away from it.

Your child is going to refer to you as "mum" to others, and other's will do the same to him.

I suspect it's going to lead to questions about "am I really yours", "am I adopted" "are you not my mother" or similar being asked of him by friends.
It's not just a label.. it's a statement of relationship, particularly when they are under 5 or 6, when EVERYONE has to conform or it's wrong.

If his father is Dad, there will be an assumption you are a stepmother and so on.

Sadly, it's a societal norm, and everyone your child comes in contact with will make assumptions.

It's a battle you will have to fight daily, and it may be teeth grindingly annoying for you..

crosstalk · 01/02/2019 13:26

OP up to you. I always called my parents by their chosen names and my DCs have carried it on. And that's a long time ago. So go with what you're comfortable with but be prepared to adapt.

Interestingly - I think it's the Dawn Treader - CS Lewis clearly makes Eustace and his "new parenting" a reason for Eustace to be even more nasty and pretentious including calling his parents by their first names. But Lewis was from a very much earlier generation.

picklemepopcorn · 01/02/2019 13:48

Can you find a pet name that would work? It would be very personal to the two of you, no one else would use it. That would meet his need to have that very special someone, and yours not to have 'mum'.

When I was a foster carer, my DC started to call me by my name which I felt quite sad about. But the FC knew I was 'a mum' and offered me out to random lost looking children on occasion.

ChikiTIKI · 01/02/2019 13:49

I decided I wanted to be called mammy/mami but my baby says things the wrong way around so I am now mi-ma/ meemaa.

I'm sure your baby will come up with their own name for you and you can just go with that :)

OutPinked · 01/02/2019 13:51

Not unheard of, I had a friend in secondary school who did it (and still does by all accounts) but expect people to assume you’re not his Mother when they hear him calling you your first name. Also expect school to refer to you as Mum.

Iloveautumnleaves · 01/02/2019 13:55

I’m sorry you had such a bad childhood 💐

I would tackle it differently.

I would reclaim Mummy and be everything you believe a good Mummy should be. Your DS deserves that and YOU deserve that. Don’t let your history define your future x

BigusBumus · 01/02/2019 13:57

I tend to think that when you're a parent, you put aside your own wants and feelings for the sake of your child. I am so sorry you have negative associations with the word Mum, but your child doesn't.

Why single him out at school as the kid that isn't allowed to call his mum "Mum".

You are his mum, please let him call you what he wants to call you rather than what you want. Its not about you anymore.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2019 13:57

@Tolleshunt
I'm sorry to hear that your experiences with your own mother were difficult. Might it help with the healing process to hear your DC call you 'mum', in what is a new, different, and much more positive relationship? You will be in a different role this time. I wonder if you might find in the event that you quickly get used to being called mum, and it loses its current negative charge?

I think these are very valid points. Especially if you come up with a variant of mum or mummy. It's nice having a name that only your children call you.

Pernickity1 · 01/02/2019 14:00

I don’t get why people are saying it will be difficult/awkward for him? It will be completely normal because it will be all he’s ever known!

It’s not weird OP, my cousins call their parents by their first name. I’m not sure why but it’s all they’ve ever called them and no issue was ever made of it. They have exceptionally close relationships too (not that it would really make a difference!)

The only thing I would say, as a pp pointed out, maybe your DS calling you mum would change the meaning of the word for you and would help with getting rid of the negative connotations of the word? No one else in the world gets to call you mum except your DS, for me this was pretty special and hearing my DC say it still makes my heart swell but I appreciate that may not be the case for you.

Ultimately do whatever you’re most comfortable with. It won’t make a jot of difference to your son!

bobstersmum · 01/02/2019 14:03

If you called your mother mum then use mom or mam or mammy or ma or any other variation? I think you need to be known as a generic mum type name just to avoid your child being confused at school etc.

newnameforthis7 · 01/02/2019 14:05

Don't want to be called MUM by your own child.

Errr yeah, that's weird.

YABU.

Pernickity1 · 01/02/2019 14:05

Its not about you anymore

We don’t cease to matter because we have children. It’s a two way relationship and both people in that relationship deserve consideration. I’m sure OP has made many, many sacrifices for her DS already but she also has her own limits and boundaries and it’s good for her son to see her prioritize these.

blueskiesandforests · 01/02/2019 14:11

You won't struggle to avoid it. People really are clueless. What you need to expect is that he'll refer to you as "my mum" or peer equivalent when talking about you to third parties.

If you and your partner call yourself Liz when talking to him he'll call you Liz.

We speak a different language at home to my children's school classmates (younger kids were born here) and they've never once called me by the local version of mummy when calling for me or talking to me,, including with friends around. The idea is ludicrous to them, but they use it when talking about me to others of course.

The m sounds is rarely a first babble anyway, the d and p sounds are, and l sometimes.

My dc2s first real meaningful, used, word was his sister's short easy to pronounce name.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 01/02/2019 14:22

Malala sounds nice. Let him call you what you want. Make your own rules.

cheercaptain · 01/02/2019 14:25

You can do what you want and what makes you happy. I personally do not like it, partly due to my upbringing, as this was considered rude and/or disrespectful. So when my friend whose primary school aged DD calls her by name, called me by my first name I let her know that was not okay by me.

blueskiesandforests · 01/02/2019 14:31

cheercaptain Seriously? You don't let your child's friends call you by your first name? What do they call you? Little here's mummy? Or Mrs Captain? Or Ma'am?

I'm not my children's friends' school teacher, they call me by my first name. They still know with absolute clarity where my boundaries are, what our rules are, that they need to be polite and who's boss when they come to play!

Morgan12 · 01/02/2019 14:35

I think you should be mum. I am very sorry for your childhood and do understand to an extent but this shouldn't be about you. You are his mum so I think you should be called that.

MikeUniformMike · 01/02/2019 14:41

It's ok for them to call you by your first name, if that's what you want them to call you.
One huge benefit of having a child call you Mum or Mummy, is that if they, for example, get lost when your out shopping or in the park, if they shout Mummy! (or Mum or Mam) nearly everyone will turn round, whereas if they call out your first name they won't.
Also, it's an honour to be a mum, and hearing your little 'un call you it is nice.

sirfredfredgeorge · 01/02/2019 14:49

I detested daddy, I could just about accept dad, I asked my DD to choose dad or fred when she was 3 or 4, she chose fred (not sure how unbiasedly I asked, but she's happy calling me fred for years now) I've not had any problems, and very few comments, and certainly absolutely no confusion at school - not even any assumptions from anyone that I was not the biological father, which might be even less of an issue with a mum.

When helping out with DD's class, or otherwise with her peers they go "are you little fred's dad", I always say yes, I'm fred. She obviously describes me by my relationship when talking with others, exactly the same as I would talk about my sister, or my uncle, if they don't already know the person, you use the relationship as well as the name. that's my dad, fred, I'm just off to visit my sister barney etc.

So yes, pick the identity you prefer, and if your child picks one you don't like, you can ask her to pick another. Don't be mum if you don't want to be.

achoocashew · 01/02/2019 14:53

I coached my babies to call me Mama. How about something like that? As your baby gets older you'll get used to be called a mama,mom,mummy etc too,

RelaxDontDoooIt · 01/02/2019 14:59

You say you just want him to be happy. So let him call you mum. Everybody will refer to you as mum whether you like it or not. You can correct all you like but it will happen everywhere. If he got lost, the police would ask where his mummy was. In the supermarket, people make polite conversation about how he is out with his mummy. His friends will call you “so and so mum”.
I know there are lots of people on here claiming it isn’t unusual but that is mumsnet land. It is not usual!

And yes there is no actual harm and no it doesn’t make you a bad mother. But you know what, he isn’t going to have the same parenting experience as you did. You may well be that embarrassing mum if you insist on first names and it may be all he wants to call you. Honestly I would just let him call you what the vast majority of people will call you.

My dad calls his mum by her first name. The amount of people I’ve had commenting on that over the years. They all assume he isn’t close to her and they’ve had a falling out.

Booboostwo · 01/02/2019 15:07

I don’t think the name matters very much. Your DS won’t have known any different and you can navigate any cultural issues.

However, the name issue seems to be bringing to the surface things from your own childhood. I think that’s very common, having children makes everyone think about how they were parented, but if your associations are really negative they may affect you. Perhaps it’s worth addressing the feelings that are coming up from how you were parented to make sure they don’t negatively affect you in your parenting.

Bluewidow · 01/02/2019 15:08

My son always called his dad by his first name and me mum.

blueskiesandforests · 01/02/2019 15:12

RelaxDontDoooIt no they won't - op is bringing her child up in a non English speaking country.

Do people not even read the OP's posts.

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