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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him if it doesn’t stop I will press charges?

55 replies

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 31/01/2019 14:08

I left stbxh 7months ago due to his aggressive behaviour when drunk. It was the 2nd police call out and we have 2 v young dc and enough was enough

We have a court order for dc contact and finances are sorted so we should be moving on

I put in a claim with cms as he refused to pay maintenance. He is now desperate for me to cancel cms and come to a private arrangement. I don’t want to because he had given me a million reasons not to trust him so I think he will cancel payments as and when he wants.

The thing is he never stops messaging me about it. This week he has sent me so many messages including hoping my best friend dies a slow painful death. That he will move in with his gf of 7 weeks to reduce cms (she has 3 dc), that he will register as self employed to reduce cms, that he will move all salary into pension to reduce cms etc etc plus veiled threats that he will “motivate” me to cancel cms

He won’t let the dc take there toys home from his ( dc are 3 &1)
He swears at me on his weekly Skype with dc.
He messages me through the night when he is drunk and then deleted them so I just see he has sent me loads of deleted messages between 2am and 5am

Tbh I have had enough. I am living in rented whilst he kept the family home as he bullied me into a seperation agreement. I cannot cope with the sheer volume of message from him.

I recently made a statement to the police as I feel I am been harassed, they agreed and said I should message him saying if he contacts me again about anything other than the dc I will press charges....But I am worried that when I send this message everything will get worse for me and dc.

If I do press charges and he is convicted he would lose his job

Would it be unreasonable to tell him one more message and I will press charges? And wibu to then follow through?

OP posts:
snowbear66 · 31/01/2019 15:25

You should definitely get another phone, and just switch on & check messages once a day.
He seems determined to reduce payments to you whatever you do, but at least through CMS it will be more impartial and reduce your contact with him in the end.

TheOrigFV45 · 31/01/2019 15:30

Could you get a non-molestation order?

Troels · 31/01/2019 15:34

Can you record the skype calls, so you can show how he talks to you when the children re listening. What knob.

StormTreader · 31/01/2019 15:37

"I cannot stop contact or Skype as its court ordered unfortunately."

That order was made on the basis of what the court knew at the time though, surely? If hes using those sessions to berate you then could you go back to court to get the order changed? It can't be a life sentence.

HollowTalk · 31/01/2019 15:38

I was just going to say what a PP said - record the Skype calls. It would have been more helpful if the police had told him to stop it, rather than expect you to.

With your children, I would mention their dad less and less between calls and visits.

Personally I would switch off Skype the very second he swears. You have to protect your child as well as yourself.

tiktok · 31/01/2019 15:39

Yes....non-molestation order worth considering. Or a restraining order. You will need special arrangements in order to facilitate his contact with the children , but there could be a trusted third party involved for hand over times.

What a twat he is. You do not have to put up with this.

DustyMcDustbuster · 31/01/2019 15:46

I had to get police involved with abusiveex (DS dad). They issued him with a “first conduct warning” under protection from harassment act. I had to start this by telling him to stop messaging me. Thereafter any contact was harassment. They served the warning. He stopped. But if he had continued he would have been arrested & charged.

I would also send ALL this evidence to your solicitor & ask what the chances are of amending the contact order. I would assume (admittedly, I don’t know, we never went to court) that there are ways to do this, based on continuing abuse. It is most definitely abuse.

Original poster
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 31/01/2019 15:47

He is actually paying since cms involved and they said the 3 month arrears is rolled in to his monthly amount. He wants me to cancel though and him pay me without cms involvement (so he can control me with it obviously)
He keeps threatening to take me back to court for 50/50 which terrifies me Sad

OP posts:
TheOrigFV45 · 31/01/2019 15:49

You can break a court order if you believe you have good reason to.

I've done that. It's a civil, not a criminal matter.

If you do, keep detailed notes and be proactive in getting back to Court ie acknowledge you're breaking the Order, your reasons and what you would like to happen.

I make that sound so easy, I know it's not and it's not fair when he's the one being a cock.

OopsInamechangedagain · 31/01/2019 15:55

As long as the non resident parent has reasonable access (e.g. EOW) courts tend to prefer to keep the status quo for the children unless for a very good reason. How hands on was he with the kids when you were still together? He won't get 50/50 unless he can demonstrate it's in the children's interest, not his. The vast majority of the time such threats are made to control and bully, when it comes to the crunch these types very rarely want 50/50 (the decent ones who do actually want it don't tend to be the ones who dick about with maintenance and making threats).

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 31/01/2019 15:59

But I am worried that when I send this message everything will get worse for me and dc. How will it get worse? your life is unbearable at the mometn. Is it possible to take out a non mol ?

Iloveautumnleaves · 31/01/2019 15:59

I understand it’s hard 💐

I would still just let him keep sending the messages. The longer it goes on, the more he’s incriminating himself.

Your 3 year old adores him NOW that won’t last. A 3 year old is not able to understand the damage their parent is doing to them emotionally. They often hide physical abuse too. When your DS is 6 and crying because he doesn’t want to have to go to his Dad’s house, the proof you are gathering now will help you.

Minimise contact as much as you can, don’t mention him at all, don’t tell them Daddy loves them (he doesn’t), don’t make or buy things ‘for Daddy’ make him as much of a non entity in their lives as possible.

If you are scared of 50:50 being awarded, then let him hang himself with these messages.

You have to think about who he is as a person, he’s a nasty bloke. You need to stop thinking about your DS wanting to see his Dad and understand the damage he could do to your kids.

...’on holiday’...no fucking way. I wouldn’t leave them with him long enough to pee.

unicornsarereal1 · 31/01/2019 16:00

My ex was like this.

I went to the police - they went round there and warned him if he contacted me again they would press charges.

Do not cancel the CMS - my ex also asked me to do this and he would "pay me properly" he didn't.
The CMS only took £5 a week off of my maintenance due to his new partner having 3 children - which still was better for me as I knew I would continue to get maintenance from him unlike if I had done a private agreement he wouldn't have stuck to it!

TheOrigFV45 · 31/01/2019 16:03

I'd let CMS take care of the maintenance.

Gosh, let him take you back to Court - save you all the hideous paper work. Mine has threatened to take me to Court loads of times. He never actually has, it's always been me who has driven things. He's all hot air.

I've said this before but I have found it so helpful to have a mental post-it note saying 'put the kids first'. For a CAO the Court are only interested in the needs of the children. So e.g. ex using the agreed media (Skype) to hurl abuse at you obviously affects the children.

Him sending you 4000 txt messages at midnight doesn't directly affect the kids.

Original poster
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 31/01/2019 17:06

@theorig I always try to put the dc first, it’s just difficult as I know them seeing this is not good for them. I guess that’s why he does it he thinks I will back down for the dc sake but I know even if I cancelled cms he would find something else to be angry about.

He has just messaged again saying he will never stop bothering me about cms so I guess it’s tome to actually send the message.

Thinking just
“ if you contact me again about anything other than the children/ contact arrangements I will formally report you to the police for harassment”

Is that enough? Should I put that I have already seen and been advised by police?

The holiday again is part of contact arrangements so at the moment I cannot stop it but his parents are going too so I know the dc will be looked after and hopefully exmil will let me know how they are.

OP posts:
FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 31/01/2019 17:12

Perfect - send that text

OopsInamechangedagain · 31/01/2019 17:13

I would mention you've already contacted the police so he knows you're following their recommended course of action E.g.

"If you contact me again about anything other than the children/ contact arrangements I will formally report you to the police for harassment as per their advice to me when I went to see them recently"

ErrorNoBrainDetected · 31/01/2019 17:23

Marlboroandmalbec34

Are the weekly Skype calls at a certain time each week? What I'd do is get a friend or family member to record you whilst on skype, I'm sure the court's won't be happy with him swearing at you whilst the kids are present.

Original poster
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 31/01/2019 17:39

Thanks @oops, just getting dc to bed then will send.
No set time for Skype it’s slways on a weds or thurs depending on his work schedule and what the dc are doing but I will start recording on my phone. Think I will also enforce a set date and time do I don’t have to have so much contact arranging contact!

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 31/01/2019 17:43

Send the text as advised by the police. Don't cancel the CMS under any circumstances. Record the Skype abuse (what an idiot). Live a long and happy life now you've got rid of this bastard. Smile

LakieLady · 31/01/2019 18:05

Your text is perfect: succinct and to the point. And make you sure you follow it through and report it if you get any more shit from him.

These vile, bullying shits need to learn that their abusive behaviour won't be tolerated and WILL have consequences.

AnoukSpirit · 31/01/2019 18:07

That's really, really shit advice from the police to tell you to warn him off - it's what they should have done as the first step. Rather than putting you at risk of him kicking off.

If you've already sent the text though, the very first reply you get you call the police and you get them to follow through. Do not wait for it to escalate.

This is DV and they should have responded to it as such. I can't believe they told you to text him. I was specifically told right away not to respond to anything and to let them deal with it. Fuck sake.

Foreverlexicon · 31/01/2019 18:10

@ anoukspirit the original poster has to send that message because it can be be classified as harassment, that is why they’ve told her to do it. It has to be made completely black and white clear that she does not want contact with him. If he continues after that message then they can take further steps.

paintinmyhairAgain · 31/01/2019 18:16

not your problem op but i wonder how long before the ngf is on here saying the same as you ? this twat ex needs taking down a peg or two, you can do this, stay strong.

bastardkitty · 31/01/2019 18:43

That's really, really shit advice from the police to tell you to warn him off - it's what they should have done as the first step. Rather than putting you at risk of him kicking off

Not really. It's a necessary step in order for the police to be able to take further action. If he responds with abuse or threats or actually anything non-essential re contact, they will visit him and warn him.