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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this child's Mother overly relaxed?

43 replies

FortunesFave · 31/01/2019 06:43

DD's got a friend in school. They're both 10 coming up 11.

They only grew close in the past year so I don't know the Mum at all really. The Dad lives elsewhere.

When DD has her over to play on a Friday for example, after school...she sometimes asks if her mate can have a sleepover, I agree and then check with the Mum if it's ok...she will say fine. She never indicates a time for her DD to come back the next day. They live within walking distance.

When the child is here, she's NO trouble at all. Very easy going and polite. Her and DD play and hang out for hours.

When it gets to teatime the day after the sleepover I will usually send the girl home...the Mum never texts once to see if her DD is ok or to say when to come back.

Is this normal? I get the feeling the child would stay here indefinitely!

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 31/01/2019 06:51

She never indicates a time for her DD to come back the next day.

It's a sleep over, not a weekend mini break. Child should be shoo'd out by 10am , 11 at th latest, unless they have arranged to do something specific.

Why are you expecting the other mother to call? your house, you set the rules.

KC225 · 31/01/2019 06:53

Totally normal here in Sweden and they are not walking distance. Last week I had a child over for a sleepover from school on Friday. All day Saturday, I kept saying when are they being collected, are they staying for lunch etc? The mother had changed her number. Daughter wanders downstairs alone, I asked where is the friend? She had gone. Mother had text the child she was outside. I'd had the kid for 25 at that point and the mother couldn't be arsed to get out of the car. And before I get mumsnetted - she is able bodied, no anxiety or social disorder I am aware of, no other kids in the car and we have a drive to park on.

PurpleDaisies · 31/01/2019 06:54

Why would she text to see if the dd is ok?

If you want her out by a specific time, you tell the mum.

Odd attitude here.

implantsandaDyson · 31/01/2019 06:54

Yup when my kids have a friend over to sleep, it's me that calls time on the fun . When you check with the mum that her daughter can stay, do you not say "she'll be back around .............". Nothing terribly lax going on that I can see.

mustdrinkwaternotwine · 31/01/2019 06:56

Perhaps the other mum thinks you're overly relaxed & is considering posting a thread about you for inviting her DD over, never mentioning an end time and only sending her home at tea time. Perhaps the other mum thinks she would be perceived as up tight by calling and asking for her DD to come home. I don't see how you can arrange a sleepover without a return time as surely it has to fit in with other plans on the Saturday. Presumably the friend has a door key so can just let herself in when she gets home but I'd still like to know when she is home if I am out.

miaows · 31/01/2019 07:02

When my kids go on a sleepover I would never text. We are within walking distance to some sleepovers. My kids roll home when they either get kicked out or I need them back. Tbh though if it was someone I didn't know too well that wasn't with walking distance I would probably set a collection time and text more.

PopCakes · 31/01/2019 07:10

She's 10 it's not her first sleep over so there's no need for the mum to be texting to check she's OK. As for the next morning I'd probably want to know a time DD would be back just so I could plan my day but if she's going to be in anyway it's not a problem for her DD to just come home whenever.

newyearnewwhat · 31/01/2019 07:11

I'd focus on the fact she's polite and well behaved, clearly there is a decent parent at home!
Some our worst behaved guests at parties/sleepovers were the dc of parents who constantly fussed and micro managed every minute of their dcs day!

Yerroblemom1923 · 31/01/2019 07:16

My dd is 10 and I usually send photos of the kids to the other mum to reassure them their dd is ok and happy. She often does the same back.
I know it's not necessary, as me and her mum are good friends, parent v similarly and know the girls are fine but I just think it's a nice thing to do. And we usually agree a drop off/pick up time the following day as it's a known fact that there us v little sleep involved in a "sleep" over!

Maryjoyce · 31/01/2019 07:17

I often have girls sleeping over unless the mothers have plans the next day they stay as long as they like though I usually drop them back at about 5 if they dont ask to go before.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 31/01/2019 07:17

My sons have sleepovers most weekend or they are at their friends having sleep overs... (they have lots of friends) and I don’t think we’ve ever checked up on the children, other than to drop them off at the houses.

TeddybearBaby · 31/01/2019 07:21

I’d defo reply thanking her and arranging details for pick up / her walking home the next day. I’d also text later on after she got back to thank you for having her. I wouldn’t message during the sleepover to see how she’s getting on. Maybe the mum is talking / texting to her daughter direct. Has she got a phone? You sound very nice for having her all the time and I know what you mean, feels a bit odd. My daughter, 9 had her friend to sleepover last week I’d have felt really odd if she just suddenly said she was off and I hadn’t heard from the mum to know she was in or anything. There’s a lot more arrangements in place for all the sleepovers both mine have been to / had x

MacarenaFerreiro · 31/01/2019 07:39

We've hosted dozens of sleepovers and the kids have been to plenty in other people's houses.

Usual "home time" is around 11am. Not late the following afternoon.

I wouldn't necessarily be texting to check everything was OK as I know my kids are fine when i'm not there. But I would text in the morning to check plans hadn't changed for pick up time. And when dropping off I always encourage the parents to contact me if there are any problems at all. (Remembering the time I ferried a vomiting child home from a sleepover at midnight...)

Lovemusic33 · 31/01/2019 07:40

Most people would arrange a pick up time, not sure why people are saying this is normal. I always want to know where dd is and what time she will be home but now she’s older she has her own phone so she can text me, I guess when we were kids things were a lot more relaxed, I used to stay at my friends for days during the holidays with no phone contact.

greyspottedgoose · 31/01/2019 07:40

Growing up (we didn't have mobiles) my close friends lived in the same village and if we where always at each other's houses, if i went out after school mum would expect I wouldn't be having tea, if my friends where at mine after school she would make them tea automatically. It was very relaxed, the same with sleepovers, I would tell my mum if someone was staying and we would wander over to theirs for toothbrush etc and tell their mum, they wouldn't give a time to be home as the next day we would be out playing again, that's what weekends where for

Gatehouse77 · 31/01/2019 07:42

If I'm comfortable with my children sleeping over at someone's house then why would I need to ring to check on them? Personally, if people feel the need to 'check in' they I don't understand why they let their children go in the first place.

As for expecting a time for her to return, as the host I'd say you dictate that unless they've got something specific on.

BarbarianMum · 31/01/2019 07:45

After sleepovers I want the other children out/my child back by about 11am. That asides, why would I text to see they were ok? If I wasnt entirely confident they were safe at your house they'd not be staying there.

RedSkyLastNight · 31/01/2019 07:45

The onus is on the person organising the sleepover to set a time ... not the guest to decide! And since the child lives close enough to get home I presume the parent just thinks you will get rid of her when/if you've had enough or he gets bored. Does the child have an older sibling? This sounds like the change between having a young child where you would be clear where they were and how long they would be there, and an older child where plans are more fluid, partly because the child is more independent.

Candymay · 31/01/2019 07:47

A bit off topic- sorry- but what I’ve noticed is the group of friends my daughter has sleepovers with all have a pick up time of around 9:00 the next morning. I cannot understand why you would bother to invite someone for a sleepover and then kick them out first thing. When I host, the invitation is always for fun the next day too. Mine will often get invited to come at 18:00- I’m then promised they will not have a late night (that’s a shame- they would with me!) and asked to come back at 9:00. Far from home and I have no car too but that’s a separate and my own issue.
I’ve tried to ask my daughter to forego this fun because it seems so much trouble just to be invited to get into a strange bed and sleep. She’s 10.
I’m definitely the more relaxed type. Come for a night and spend the weekend if you’d like.

swingofthings · 31/01/2019 07:50

Does the girl have a mobile phone? I would have been in touch with my child checking she was OK and asking when she was coming back, wouldn't have considered I needed to communicate with the mum.

CherryPavlova · 31/01/2019 07:57

I wouldn’t have expected a text if they were good friends and I knew the mother. I’d have been clear re plans if I’d not met the child before but then been happy for them to be around as long as was convenient.

DonutCone · 31/01/2019 08:12

I would expect the host to tell me a time unless I needed to collect them particularly early for something and then I would say, “Yes she can stay for a sleepover but I will need to collect Sophie at 9 as we have to be at X”.

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 08:14

You should know where your kids are, not just assume they are still at sleepover. If something happens on their way home or they decide to go elsewhere on the way you need to be aware.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 31/01/2019 08:14

I'd not in general text to see if child was ok

We are very relaxed about how long visiting kids hang out

But generally we agree returning home time when child arrives.
Unless you specified that you expected them to collect then I imagine they think the child will come back when they are ready, or you will drop off. Do you not ask what time they want them back or say what time you will drop them/or can you collect them by x time in your invitation?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 31/01/2019 08:16

Takes 2 parties to make an arrangement - you just need to say when you expect her to leave/be collected/drop her back not wait for the other mother to propose it, and judge her when she doesn't.

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