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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this child's Mother overly relaxed?

43 replies

FortunesFave · 31/01/2019 06:43

DD's got a friend in school. They're both 10 coming up 11.

They only grew close in the past year so I don't know the Mum at all really. The Dad lives elsewhere.

When DD has her over to play on a Friday for example, after school...she sometimes asks if her mate can have a sleepover, I agree and then check with the Mum if it's ok...she will say fine. She never indicates a time for her DD to come back the next day. They live within walking distance.

When the child is here, she's NO trouble at all. Very easy going and polite. Her and DD play and hang out for hours.

When it gets to teatime the day after the sleepover I will usually send the girl home...the Mum never texts once to see if her DD is ok or to say when to come back.

Is this normal? I get the feeling the child would stay here indefinitely!

OP posts:

formerbabe · 31/01/2019 08:17

I don't think it's ok. At 10/11 my dc would only be going for a sleepover if...

I had met the parents and was confident my dc would be safe and looked after.

They had been invited and I was confident the parents were happy to have my dc over...rather than pestered by the kids

Times were arranged and agreed on

winsinbin · 31/01/2019 08:18

Seems fair enough. If my DC were off having fun I wouldn’t be checking in them or pestering the hosting mother. Equally if I had children at my house I would take responsibility and only contact their parents if there was some sort of emergency (which thankfully, there never was).

The going home at teatime seems late to me but if nothing else had been agreed it doesn’t seem unreasonable. For my part I normally arranged a pick up at about 11am when my tolerance for other people’s children was wearing thin.

Racecardriver · 31/01/2019 08:23

When I was a child it was usually the children/the host parents who decided when children would leave.

Futureisland · 31/01/2019 08:26

Like pp's have said. I communicate directly with my son, not the parent if I want to check they are ok. I would only give my child a specific time to be home if we had plans. Otherwise I would just expect him to wander home when the fun is over. At nearly 11 they don't need to be fussed over and parents don't need to text each other constantly. A text to confirm sleepover is ok and a thank you text after it is enough if you ask me.

grumiosmum · 31/01/2019 08:34

My kids are old enough to make their own plans now, but when they were younger if we were hosting a sleepover, and the other parent didn't say anything about arrangements the next day, I'd always say clearly,
"Can you pick XX up between 11 and 12 please" or whatever.

And I would expect them to check on their child while they were with us, that would be weird.

grumiosmum · 31/01/2019 08:34

wouldn't expect them to check!

blueshoes · 31/01/2019 08:40

Maybe the mum has older children and standards have dropped for the younger ones. It happens. It is just a sleepover within walking distance.

Strugglingtodomybest · 31/01/2019 08:49

It sounds normal to me. When my DC have a friend over for the night, if their parent doesn't specify a pick up time I just let the kids play together the next day and then kick the visiting child out at tea time (although it HAS been known to turn into a double sleepover, but only in the holidays).

Lalliella · 31/01/2019 09:05

When my child is at a sleepover I’d expect the host to specify an end time. If they don’t I’d just wait and get some extra chores done, grateful of the extra childcare and happy my child is having fun with their friend.

Lalliella · 31/01/2019 09:06

And if I needed them back by a certain time I would communicate that to the mum. Otherwise - whatever really.

Inaboatwithoutapaddle247 · 31/01/2019 09:32

You need to arrange it properly between you.
It's normal for both families to agree an arranged time for the child to go home.
My guess is she was expecting you to tell her a time, and you were obviously expecting her to tell you a time.
Either way I would have checked to make sure there was someone at home before sending the child home, even if it's only down the road.

If my daughter has a sleepover I would always text little updates just to let the other mum know all is well.

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 14:55

No need for contact when a child is in your care, but you or they must tell their parent when they leave you and are on the way home if no designated time. Anything can happen, a fall, car accident, abduction, sudden illness, attacked by dog or robbed...... and each adult wil think the other is responsible. Same for contact with separated parent, visit to gran etc. Surely you know what time to expect them home from school until secondary at least.

Mmmhmmm · 31/01/2019 14:58

She's probably using the free time to catch up on things around the house so not overly anxious to have her daughter back early.

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 17:37

Yes, but she should know where she is and when to expect her. Likewise op should know the child is going home to someone who is expecting her, or there could be a big gap where no one knows where child is. It's not rocket science. They are 10 not 15.

PuppyMonkey · 31/01/2019 17:53

Hmm, I would find it a bit odd not to hear from the other parent at all tbh.

I’d probably have sent a text at the time of arranging : “Do you need her back for any particular time tomorrow?” And then expect something like: “no, I’m inall day just send her round whenever you like” - all fine.

If my DD was at a sleepover and nothing concrete had been arranged about pick up, I’d send a text in the morning. And more importantly I’d send a “thanks for having her” type message.

I must be a bit hard faced.

Helsvamp · 31/01/2019 17:57

I would text as want to know if my child is okay

adaline · 31/01/2019 18:01

Well, look at it the other way - she trusts you with her daughter! Why would she have any need to text and check up on you?

I'd be pretty frustrated if I was having a sleepover and a parent kept texting me. Either you trust me to look after your child (in which case, stop texting me and trust me to get in touch if there's a problem) or you don't, in which case don't accept the invite in the first place!

Missingstreetlife · 31/01/2019 18:41

Aaarrrgghhhhh! It's not about trusting, or if she's ok at op house, or manners. It's about communication and safety.

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