To be so scared

[Soph00]

Sorry if this is messy and for any bad spelling/grammar. I'm really upset and scared.
I have a 7 month old baby and me and his father split up on New Year's Day. I have been living with my mum and sister about 25 miles away from him since September (originally it was only supposed to be for a month or so whilst the sale of the house we bought together went through) as we had problems with our neighbour complaining that our baby was crying (he had colic).
Because of this my ex would only see our son at the weekends and when he would come after work. This was his decision, the commute wasn't long for him after work and he gets on with my family, the reason he didn't come more was because he wanted his evenings to himself to relax after work.
Now that we have separated he sees his son for a few hours on a Sunday. I've told him he can come for as long as he likes, he can even stay over if he wants but he didn't want to.
Another reason I moved in with my family is because I was finding his parents, his dad in particular, very difficult. I'm very introverted and they were wanting to come over all the time. They're very difficult people and it was often a last minute visit. I would have to dash around the flat tidying before they came over because any mess would be commented on. They were (and are) very opinionated when it came to how we were looking after our son. He had jaundice when he was born and we were told indirect sunlight would help. My ex's parents told us to put our son on the balcony in his baby carrier so he would get sunlight (not indirect) and we could have a nap. They said that's what they did with their kids.
They believe in controlled crying and repeatedly, and quite angrily, told us that we had to leave our son to cry because he had to learn that he can't always get what he wants (they were saying this before he was born and only got more adamant about it afterwards).
They would get angry if ever we were busy or tired and they couldn't come over to visit. Once my ex's dad got so angry because they couldn't come over (this was after our sons first vaccinations when he had such an awful temperature we ended up in hospital) that he yelled at my ex so much that he told me he felt suicidal.
Me and my ex were trying to bring our son up gently (I don't know how else to describe it, I suppose it might be attachment parenting?) and react to his needs before he had to cry. He cosleeps with me and I'm breastfeeding him on demand (usually every 2/3 hours). I started trying him with solids when he turned 6 months and he's still at the tasting stage, he'll put something in his mouth but won't swallow so his only source of food is still breast milk. He won't accept bottles (although we've only tried a few times).

At the weekend my ex said that he wants to have our son overnight and that he'd be staying at his parents when that happened so that they could help and also because they want to see him. I said that couldn't happen because I'm breastfeeding him. Now my ex is saying we have to get a mediator to discuss access.
I'm so scared that he's going to take him away from me. Our son isn't that familiar with my ex. My ex hasn't ever been very hands on (his choice) and has never looked after our son terribly well; whenever he would change his nappy he'd end up with nappy rash or still have poo on his bum, my ex would ignore him in favour of his iPad, he wouldn't support him properly (his head when he was small, since then when he's in the bath he will let him go and turn away). There's more examples but basically he's just not very warm with him.
I don't know what a mediator would decide but I'm just so scared to leave our son with him/his parents. Does anyone have any advice or know what might be suggested by a mediator? Am I being totally ridiculous being so upset about this?

No, you’re not being ridiculous at all. And as far as I understand it, there’s no push to grant overnights whilst you’re breastfeeding. But you won’t always be, and this will be very difficult as, unless you can prove he isn’t safe, you won’t get to call the shots about who he spends time with etc. I’m so sorry, OP.

I'm so sorry OP. Your FIL sounds abusive. If it does go to mediation I would mention the FaiLs temper and your Ex's suidicial thoughts.

The first thing is he can’t have him if you are still breast feeding and he’s not taking bottles.

You worry about what his parents are like- when he does have him there, it’s going to be his choice how he parents his child there. If he decides to follow his parents advice, then so be it.

That doesn’t mean that I agree with how they parent!

I would go to mediation and see what they say. Explain you are beeastfeeding, and don’t feel comfortable until feeding has been established on a bottle and with solids. In all honesty I don’t know what a mediator will say to that.

Thank you. I just don't want our son to be scared or lonely. I always just wanted him to know someone was there to care for him when he needs it. He wouldn't get that with them.
He never cries, he never needs to and I love that. I'm so proud of how happy and content he is. I want him to grow up knowing he's loved and cared for and I'm so scared that being with them would undo everything I've done.

You are probably working it all up in your head and all the little things that have pissed you off about them in the past are sticking in your mind.
They do sound like knob heads but if anything I would be more comfortable leaving my baby with the ex in laws and dad than just dad alone if he really is that slack.
At the moment though your baby is solely breastfed and only just getting to grips with food so cannot be away from you, let him crack on with a mediator because that's exactly what you will tell them too.
Obviously long term you will have to come to an arrangement you are comfortable with and that's always best to do in an amicable relationship.
Sorry you are having a shit time

I'll definitely mention how my FIL acts. Unfortunately my ex insists that they're right about everything. We agreed how to bring up our son, what kind of parents we wanted to be, and were doing what we thought was best but as soon as his parents told us what they thought that was it. They were right and we should do as they said. My ex just won't stand up for himself or our son when if comes to them.
My ex's mum thinks I have anxiety (I do, but not as bad as she thinks) that I need medication for and that that's why I don't listen to them so this will no doubt be used against me.

You're right, this probably is worse in my head than in reality. I'm just so scared and sad about everything that has happened. This wasn't how I wanted to bring up a child. And my ex isn't who I thought he was. I'm just so sad and scared.

And my ex isn't who I thought he was

Well he is and he isnt.

It sounds like he had a horrible childhood and is deep in FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) which is common amongst children from abusive upbringings. When he was with you it gave him the strength to stand up to them because he knew that you had his back. But now he doesnt have you to back him up he falling back into old ways of appeasing his abusive father to avoid his temper. Again, this is very common.

I would be inclined to contact social services and ask for their advice based ony your FILs temper and your ex's suicidal feelings because of it.

But you don’t have to listen to them! You are the mother and you can parent your child how you wish. You already know that your ex will defer to his parents on everything about your baby. I don’t know if you are working it up in your head at all or not but it does sound like a bad situation to be in. I’d be afraid to leave my baby with him/them too but I don’t think you have to worry about him taking your son away from you. You sound like you’re being a good mother to me. I’m sorry you’re going through this and you’re not ridiculous to be concerned. Just be honest and open with the mediator about everything and hopefully they can help you improve the situation. Good luck to you.

Were (are) you married to your ex, or is his name on the birth certificate? I only ask because this can change the rules about what rights your ex has over the baby.
Whilst you are BF you are unlikely to have to let your ex have the baby without you being there.

Thank you Nunya. It's difficult because at first his parents seem absolutely lovely. Very calm and friendly. They're very rarely obviously angry (the incident after the vaccinations being the only time I've known either of them to be obviously angry) so it's difficult to prove and my ex doesn't see it at all. After getting over the upset of that blow up from his dad he told me that I was wrong to stop his parents from coming over (we decided jointly so it wasn't me stopping them) and that even though our son was so poorly he could have handled the visit (even if he could I couldn't, I'd been up all night with our son and was looking at another sleepless night as he was still unwell, plus the hospital visit).
We would come to decisions but as soon as his parents chimed in he would deny any agreement we had come to and tell me we should do what they say, telling me that I always get my way and that he didn't agree with me.

Riv, no we're not married but he is named on the birth certificate.
I get the feeling his wanting contact with our son alone/with his parents has come from them. We get on well even since the split...or at least I thought we did. I haven't stopped him from seeing our son at all. Whenever he's wanted to come I've let him. He's stayed for as long as he wants. I send him pictures and updates whenever he asks (I asked him if he wanted me to send theses everyday and he said no, just when he asks).
I've offered more/longer visits. He's welcome to stay here with us but he doesn't want to.

Please try not to be scared.

No one will take your baby away from you x

Keep breast feeding DS, do NOT try to get him to take a bottle.

Make sure you keep ALL the messages between you. The ones offering him more contact time with DS and him refusing will help you. Try to message/email rather than talking as you’ll have proof.

He can’t make you go to mediation without going down the legal route, so just keep refusing to go.

Tell him (by text or email) he’s not having DS unsupervised because you cannot trust him to parent in the way you agreed and you’re not subjecting DS to his parents mad baby raising ways.

Tell him (by text or email) he’s welcome to bring his parents to x cafe (near YOUR house), at an arranged time and you’ll meet them there with DS, but ANY bullying and you’ll leave. Take your mum or dad with you if you want to,

You have to be strong for DS

Thank you Iloveautumnleaves. If it did end up going down the legal route do you think I could be forced to express and bottle feed? Would I be forced to let them take him without me being there (even when I'm feeding him every 2/3 hours)?

Unfortunately I only have one text with him saying he doesn't want pictures/updates and have no evidence of our previous discussion about parenting as it was all in person. I do however have a message his mum sent me apologising for FIL's outburst. I also have records of an argument we had about how often his parents visit (before we broke up) where my ex got very angry and unpleasant (he has issues with his anger). Would these help me?

Him and his parents are coming to visit on Sunday and I'm absolutely dreading it. My sister will be with me thankfully. I told my ex that she would be with me which is when all the talk of overnight stays and access rights started. I'm not having here there with me to annoy them, I just feel so weak around them and need the support.

He doesn't sound very interested in his son at all, so I agree with you that his parents are probably pushing this. It wouldn't even surprise me that the only reason he bothers to come at all, is because they'd be asking how your son is, and if he says he hasn't seen him, they'd have a go at him.

But your immediate concern, about him/them having DS, isn't one to worry about yet, because he needs you while he's being breastfed.

Might be an idea to have a chat with your health visitor about it.

Good idea to have your sister with you. What do your parents think about this?

If DS won't take a bottle, then no-one can force him. My DD refused bottles, breast or formula milk, every different type of teat on the market, nothing worked, I even tried sippy cups when she was over 6 months, but she would scream the place down until she was latched onto me. So stop worrying about that for now.

Motoko Yes I think you're right. If his parents weren't interested I think he'd just disappear. I was thinking a chat with my health visitor might be a good idea, I'll contact her in the morning. Thank you

Motoko My parents are just as upset about this as I am. We're all worried about what would happen if this went down the legal route. His parents are very well off. Mine aren't at all and I won't have much money until we've sold our house so they'd be able to afford a much better lawyer than me. I'm also worried they'll use my anxiety to make me seem like an unfit parent (his mum has told me I need to get medical help since we split).
My sister has witnessed what his parents are like. She was there when his dad got angry (although neither of us witnessed the outburst directly, we just saw the aftermath and heard about it from my ex).

My parents are giving me the same advice and I'm getting here, which is reassuring. Telling me they can't take him.

Soph00 you have had some excellent advice here.

Keep copies of emails and texts electronically.

If you ex is visiting to see baby, try and show him how you are doing things, to ensure he doesn't get nappy rash etc.

As far as I know grandparents have no legal rights. They could see your son by agreement or if your ex has them over etc. But they do not get to take your son over to their place etc, unless with his dad and by agreement etc.

Your attachment style of parenting is much more the norm now, I think, and cry it out is old hat.

May I ask why you and ex split up? was he aggressive, or violent or abusive?

Good luck.

Go to mediation. You will be seen to be acting reasonably.

You cannot be forced to express and bottle feed.

Approach this in such a way that ex is given every opportunity to spend as much time with his child as he would like....with you present. The baby is too young to be separated from you for more than a couple of hours. There is significant research on child attachments to support no overnights until about 2 years old or later.

italiangreyhound I've tried showing him but it doesn't seem to help. He seems to do things badly to prove a point or to get me to do everything. When we were living together I used to have my sister come and stay with us (once my son was born) so I'd get a bit of help with housework and looking after the baby as he would do the bare minimum, if anything at all.

This was the main reason that we split. I was tired of asking him to do things/showing him how to do it repeatedly and he had had enough of me asking/showing him. That and the constant disagreements about his parents. I never thought he was abusive but the more I've talked about how he is/has been the more I wonder if I was wrong. He has a terrible temper and would yell/slam doors/throw things (not at me) when things got too much for him. He never made me feel loved, I always felt like he was doing me a favour being with me - this I think is because before having a baby he's split up with me a couple of times and each time he reamed off a big list of all the things that were wrong with me.
I had a hard pregnancy and was off work a lot with hyperemesis and then PGP and in my first day back at work he told me he was suicidal and that he was thinking we should split up. I spent the day not just in pain and feeling very sick but also hiding in the staff room so I could call him whenever I could get away.
There's plenty more I could say but I feel like I've rambled a lot here already

Returning2sceneofthecrime thank you, that's reassuring. I've tried to be reasonable and fair throughout this, which is why I'm so shocked by this sudden need for mediation.

Soph00 you poor thing that sounds like total crap.

I think you could definitely make a case that a man who is showing things and slamming doors, and has a terrible temper should not be in sole charge of a young baby.

Can you make sure you have got a record of anything abusive he says or just mate a note anything at all with dates etc.

throwing things.

italiangreyhound Yes I can try. I have old emails he sent me when we split up the first time and I have WhatsApp messages from a more recent blow up. My sister has witnessed a lot of his behaviour but I don't know how much that would help as she's my sister so obviously going to be on my side.
His sisters ex witnessed one of his episodes and I've considered contacting her but I'm worried she'd tell them (her and ex's sister split on good terms so she might want to look after her) she also had problems with his parents.

I have asked my ex to get help with his anger because I'm worried about him getting angry with our son but he says it's not a problem and throws it back at me saying I need help with my anxiety.