To be so scared

[Soph00]

Sorry if this is messy and for any bad spelling/grammar. I'm really upset and scared.
I have a 7 month old baby and me and his father split up on New Year's Day. I have been living with my mum and sister about 25 miles away from him since September (originally it was only supposed to be for a month or so whilst the sale of the house we bought together went through) as we had problems with our neighbour complaining that our baby was crying (he had colic).
Because of this my ex would only see our son at the weekends and when he would come after work. This was his decision, the commute wasn't long for him after work and he gets on with my family, the reason he didn't come more was because he wanted his evenings to himself to relax after work.
Now that we have separated he sees his son for a few hours on a Sunday. I've told him he can come for as long as he likes, he can even stay over if he wants but he didn't want to.
Another reason I moved in with my family is because I was finding his parents, his dad in particular, very difficult. I'm very introverted and they were wanting to come over all the time. They're very difficult people and it was often a last minute visit. I would have to dash around the flat tidying before they came over because any mess would be commented on. They were (and are) very opinionated when it came to how we were looking after our son. He had jaundice when he was born and we were told indirect sunlight would help. My ex's parents told us to put our son on the balcony in his baby carrier so he would get sunlight (not indirect) and we could have a nap. They said that's what they did with their kids.
They believe in controlled crying and repeatedly, and quite angrily, told us that we had to leave our son to cry because he had to learn that he can't always get what he wants (they were saying this before he was born and only got more adamant about it afterwards).
They would get angry if ever we were busy or tired and they couldn't come over to visit. Once my ex's dad got so angry because they couldn't come over (this was after our sons first vaccinations when he had such an awful temperature we ended up in hospital) that he yelled at my ex so much that he told me he felt suicidal.
Me and my ex were trying to bring our son up gently (I don't know how else to describe it, I suppose it might be attachment parenting?) and react to his needs before he had to cry. He cosleeps with me and I'm breastfeeding him on demand (usually every 2/3 hours). I started trying him with solids when he turned 6 months and he's still at the tasting stage, he'll put something in his mouth but won't swallow so his only source of food is still breast milk. He won't accept bottles (although we've only tried a few times).

At the weekend my ex said that he wants to have our son overnight and that he'd be staying at his parents when that happened so that they could help and also because they want to see him. I said that couldn't happen because I'm breastfeeding him. Now my ex is saying we have to get a mediator to discuss access.
I'm so scared that he's going to take him away from me. Our son isn't that familiar with my ex. My ex hasn't ever been very hands on (his choice) and has never looked after our son terribly well; whenever he would change his nappy he'd end up with nappy rash or still have poo on his bum, my ex would ignore him in favour of his iPad, he wouldn't support him properly (his head when he was small, since then when he's in the bath he will let him go and turn away). There's more examples but basically he's just not very warm with him.
I don't know what a mediator would decide but I'm just so scared to leave our son with him/his parents. Does anyone have any advice or know what might be suggested by a mediator? Am I being totally ridiculous being so upset about this?

Just to be clear, I have sought help for my anxiety but there's only so much I can do when my son is so dependent on me. He gets upset when I'm upset so talking therapy is difficult but I have tried other things and am currently doing meditation which is helping.

www.aaimhi.org/key-issues/position-statements-and-guidelines/AAIMHI-guideline-1-Overnight-care.pdf

This is a like to an Australian organisation’s position paper on separating children from their primary caregivers. The last page gives a list of references should you wish to do further research.

I would strongly advise you not to bring this evidence up with your ex, but raise it at mediation instead. It will be harder for him to argue against it then and he will look like a bit of a shit if he tries to without any evidence to back up his statements.

Again, keep offering his access....on your terms.

Good luck.

• a like = a link, obviously

Returning2thesceneofthecrime Just started reading through that and it's so so helpful. Thank you so much!

The anger and throwing things is abusive, because it causes you to try not to make him angry, by avoiding things you know are his triggers. It's futile though, because even if you avoid his known triggers, he'll find something else to get angry about.

Also, any threats about him getting custody because of your mental health, also come out of the abuser's handbook. They use it as a means to control, because they know it will scare you, so you won't split up with them, because you'll be afraid your children will be taken away from you.

Your baby will not be taken from you because you've got anxiety. Understand that he's pulling the "mental" card, as a way to control you.

I expect most, if not all, your anxiety is caused by him.

Motoko Thank you, I think you're probably right. I did notice my anxiety decreased when I moved in with my mum and sister and out of the flat I shared with him. It has also decreased since we split up. Knowing that I don't have to keep him happy if a huge weight off my shoulders. I still have anxiety but it's quite a bit better already (obviously until he contacts me about access to our son again).

If anyone has any other studies like the one above please post a link. Even if this doesn't go down a legal route (which I'm sure it will) it'll really help when they're arguing that I'm being overly anxious and precious when trying to protect our son.

Just bumping this as I need bit of extra help.
My ex was ill last weekend and so didn't come to see our son. I didn't hear from him until yesterday when he said he was going to come and see him today (giving one days notice).
The problem is is that me, my mum and my sister (who I live with) and our son are all ill. I'm not really up to going out to meet him and understandably my mum and sister don't really want him coming to our house when they're feeling ill.
I've asked my ex if he can come tomorrow to give us an extra day to get better but he's said he has plans.
He hasn't gone to a mediator yet (as he previously threatened) but I'm scared all the threats will start again if I don't meet him today.
What should I do?

Stick to your guns. Don't argue with him, just go grey rock when he tries, because you won't win. He'll never agree that he's in the wrong, so it's pointless.

If he still turns up for your son and starts, call the police. Your son shouldn't be forced to go with him if he's unwell.