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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he has no right to my pension?

45 replies

lottieanne3 · 31/01/2019 00:17

DH has always insisted we pay half for everything. I've said fine, whilst I earned less, I could still afford to. I have paid in to a pension, he hasn't. I made sure I had a job with a good pension and nagged him about his (setting up a private one) for years. He avoids it and still has no pension.

AIBU to think that if he insists on having separate funds and paying half of everything whilst we are still earning, that he has no right to expect me to pay more for monthly bills when he is suddenly not earning and has a very small pension (whilst mine is pretty good!).

OP posts:
Original poster
lottieanne3 · 31/01/2019 00:18

?

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 31/01/2019 00:18

Yanbu

JiltedJohnsJulie · 31/01/2019 00:18

He sounds like a right catch OP.

Original poster
lottieanne3 · 31/01/2019 00:20

@JiltedJohnsJulie to be honest I just didn't argue it because I know I'll be earning more than him upon my impending promotion. He's kind and generous with gifts etc but stingy with money. Does my head in but I'm used to it! I have enough and make a decent wage which will be doubling soon (he doesn't know this yet as not set in stone!)

OP posts:
itswinetime · 31/01/2019 00:22

Not unreasonable but realistically what will you do when he can't afford his share? Or if he can just pay the bills but then can't afford holidays ect. I'm totally with you in principle but I think it could be one of those times you are cutting off your nose to spite you face!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 31/01/2019 00:24

Do you both pay into a joint account to pay for bills, food, repairs etc? If not I'd suggest you both do this, paying in an equal amount each and you both get to keep what's left over. I'd point out that he comes off well at the moment but you don't mind (then just don't mention your pay rise or pension) Smile

Charlie97 · 31/01/2019 00:24

In principle it's fine, but ultimately you're going to be paying for both your retirements.

If house needs work or new car if he's not got the money then you'll be funding.

I personally find this an odd way to live.

Ellisandra · 31/01/2019 00:24

Well, good luck when you get fed up with his unfair ways and shitty attitude, gobto divorce him and he gets a Pension Sharing Order for part of your hard earned savings.

joanmcc · 31/01/2019 00:25

Remember when marriages used to be marriages and not adversarial business partnerships?

MorningsEleven · 31/01/2019 00:25

I have no pension. I gave up work when I had kids, gave it up again when I had to home educate my daughter and I now work in a minimum wage job. I'd like to think my husband values my contribution to our family enough to share his pension with me.

2019user44 · 31/01/2019 00:25

Just as a heads up. If you divorced (hopefully this won't happen), he can claim a percentage, generally the starting point is 50':50 of any pension you accrued during your cohabitation and subsequent marriage.

Original poster
lottieanne3 · 31/01/2019 00:27

This is on the assumption we don't get divorced of course!

@MorningsEleven does your husband expect you to pay half of everything?

OP posts:
stinkypoo · 31/01/2019 00:27

What does he do with his earnings & do you both know how you each spend/save? It seems really odd way to arrange things between you, especially if you're married.
But then this could be a reverse? Same stands - if you're married you should make financial decisions together .

Purpleartichoke · 31/01/2019 00:28

With the financial arrangement you have, morally that money is yours.

Legally, you really need to think about reworking this financial areangement

RCohle · 31/01/2019 00:30

This seems to work now because although you earn less you can still afford half. What if his pension income is low enough that he can't pay half?

It seems really odd to me for a married couple not to take financial decisions together tbh. But each to their own!

I'd be very worried about the position if you divorce though.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/01/2019 00:40

Well I certainly would not be telling him about the increase in salary when you get it.

If you tell him that you are earning a hell of a lot more than him you can bet youf sweet ass that he will suddenly decide that there should be a proportional contribution so he gets to pay less. FFS keep your money to yourself, if thats how he wants to play it then play the game to your advantage.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/01/2019 00:42

Oooh thinking on. I would stay with him until you are both on your pensions, then leave because he wont be able to afford to take you to court for a share of yours! And dont divorce him, obviously Wink

Lalliella · 31/01/2019 00:42

MorningsEleven what you’ve said is not really relevant to OP’s situation, and comes across as slightly sanctimonious, just saying.

OP YANBU. When you retire tell him he has to pay half of everything. That’s how he wanted your marriage to operate isn’t it so it’s only fair. However, pooled finances from the start are so much easier...

Jon65 · 31/01/2019 00:47

2019user44 pensions are normally only counted when divorcing for the period they accrued during which the applicants are legally married.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 31/01/2019 00:48

I would worry about him divorcing you & claiming a % of your pension.

QuietContraryMary · 31/01/2019 00:56

?

if you are together surely he will spend your pension, like it or not?

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/01/2019 00:58

if you are together surely he will spend your pension, like it or not?

How?

They have seperate finances so how is he going to spend it? He will simply spend all of his state pension on his half of the outgoings and rue the day he insisted the OP did the same.

Claudia1980 · 31/01/2019 01:01

I find that a rather strange arrangement. So he expects you to pay half but then he’s not saving as you are? I’d tell him now that your pension is going to be your money only and see what he says. I bet he won’t like that!! I couldn’t tolerate it OP. Being stingy is the worst trait ever as far as I’m concerned.

JaesseJexaMaipru · 31/01/2019 01:03

Don't wait till retirement to sort this. You need to make it clear now.

However, clearly this isn't going to be solved by forcing him to pay all costs 50:50 from a scant basic pension after retirement.

Instead - start from the principle that yes your pension will be a joint income once you have both retired. This means that your pension contributions, plus the pension contributions from your employer (which are part of your overall remuneration) are additional contributions that you have been paying over and above the 50:50 household costs. So (1) that means he owes you 50% of this total contribution as made so far. Divide that amount by the number of months between now and retirement and that amount is discounted from your 50:50 share and added to his. (2) Furthermore, all your future contributions into this pension should likewise be treated as a joint expense and whilst they are technically being taken from your pay packet, half that amount is due from him and similarly the two months contributions to the joint costs should be adjusted to balance things.

NoSquirrels · 31/01/2019 01:06

Can't you treat pension contributions (for both of you) as a fixed bill that needs to come out of the joint account? As per savings for anything else, really.

Then discretionary fun money comes after all that.

If you intend to stay married into retirement, you'll have a miserable time one way or the other unless you get on the same page.

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