Equal time off

[JustAnotherOneOfThemUsers]

Married parents. Parent A's a WOHP Mon-Fri, parent B's a SAHP. Childcare shared 50/50 when A's at home. Parent A had a work "crisis" requiring them to work a weekend, so parent B had to do childcare all weekend. Parent A says that this was a "joint sacrifice". Parent B feels that they did parent A a favour, and A should (e.g.) do all the childcare next weekend. Who is BU?

Seriously 🙄 this is pathetic and I wonder why some marriages break down!! 🤔

Looking after your own child is never a ‘favour’, it sounds like A thinks of it as a chore. How odd to think like this. Working straight through a weekend then a weekend is hardly a bed of roses though ?
B looked after their own child with less ‘breaks’ than normal, therefore B is U.

It’s just part of parenting. My dh regularly has to work weekends during the summer (his business’s busy season). One year he literally worked 3 7-day weeks straight without a day off. I would expect him to not then go away on a lads holiday around that time (so no additional non-essential weekends away). But we don’t keep score. It’s work. Sometimes people are busy and they have to put in the time.

I do expect a bit of reciprocality in the sense that if he gets a fun weekend away, I get a fun weekend away. We also try to find balance that we both work but also both have time at home. But if one of us has to work extra, the other wouldn’t get extra ‘time off’ unless there were extenuating circumstances (while one worked away, the other was home dealing with a vomiting bug and got 2 hours of sleep in 3 days).

That said, every parent needs a break from parenting now and again. SAHPs are no different and said parent should be able to plan a day, night, weekend away to re-charge. It doesn’t have to be connected to the other parent working lots. It’s a natural thing to need to have a break to preserve your sanity.

Its swings and roundabouts. It's very easy to be sucked into the "I'm more tired than you" routine or "going to work is easy compared to 24/7 childcare" so it's about understanding one another.

You both worked. No doubt A could acknowledge that 12 days straight of parenting without a break / sharing responsibility is hard going, but B needs to acknowledge this is the reality of a SAHP. A shouldnt have to do a full weekend of childcare to "make up" for working.

I suggest you have an adult conversation about your expectations and you can develop enjoying spending time as a family.

Eh? Is this a relationship? What will B be doing when A is doing the childcare? Why does nobody actually want to spend time with the children? Will OP reveal which they are? To go against the grain I think OP is B.

On simplistic terms, Parent B is BU,

However, as others have said, you have a funny idea of the partnership that a marriage ought to be, if you are doing 'tit for tat' like this.
Yes, overall, equal amount of free time is the right way to go. Yes, it is unfortunate when either one of you has to do some enforced overtime, but life is like that sometimes and you look at your whole life, not minute by minute one weekend.

What would parent B say if PArents B were ill one weekend and Parent A spent more than 1/2 the time looking after the dc that weekend ?

Looking after your own children isn’t doing anyone a favour. If SAHP hates being with DC so much then they should look for childcare and a job.

Stop the petty point scoring crap, it must be exhausting! Both parents had a stressful weekend, why does it need to be a competition?

Thanks all!

To those worrying about the poor unloved children - fear not, we both love spending time with them, and every weekend has plenty of much-valued family time as well But rewarding and wonderful though parenting is, it's still a job you want a break from occasionally, and on a normal weekend, we both like to ensure the other gets a bit of downtime too.

Those fearing for our relationship can also rest easy, there's no tit-for-tat record-keeping either. It's like @mindutopia said - "a bit of reciprocality". We just had slightly different perspectives on this. There'll be no LTBing going on

And yes, I'm A. Well done if you guessed right

Oh, and @TheSmallAssassin - are you psychic!? Your suggestion is, in fact, precisely the plan

I think Parent A needs to get a grip or get a job tbqh. The whole point of a SAHM is to stay at home and perform childcare, cooking and cleaning duties(and they are allowed to do that by the other parent working).

You already seem to have an extraordinarily generous arrangement going on whereby you get to stay at home all day while your DP is hard at work, only to then have to come home and start doing your job by performing childcare. I'd be putting a stop to it right away if I were the working parent- starting by sending you back to work.

Unless parent B plans to repay parent A's favour by bringing home next month's pay cheque, they can bugger off.

BlueTrees123 It's the other way round - OP is the working parent.

Parent B is being unreasonable

Swings and roundabouts. Don't sweat the small stuff. So unless working weekends becomes a pattern, then try to be supportive of one another.

You should both have equal time off without childcare or job-related responsibility. If one has to do extraining work hours then yes the other needs to do extra childcare hours. Some weeks your equal time off may be only 5 minutes.

The idea that SAHP should get a day off for pure leisure as recompense for WOHP doing an extra day in the office is completely unfair and unreasonable.

Children aren't some chore that you divide up. And that's all I have to say

Jesus wept. So you are both immature and petty enough to argue over who HAS to mind the child. Wow I’d say that child feels loved. You are probably the type of people who get divorced and spend the next 18 years fighting over who gets the child.

Surely it all evens out in the end? No need for the point scoring

This does not sound like a happy marriage.

Fan-bloody-tastic.
DH went away on Monday morning. I've done all childcare since then.
Can I go out and party every night next week???
Of course not. Noone has had a break. Accept it sucks, and carry on with life.

Ridiculous!

I think "not keeping score" is how women end up doing most of the domestic work.

Are they divorced?

A was at work (out of home)
B was at work (in the home)

Who missed out or did more? Neither

It’s a joint sacrifice. A didn’t go on a jolly for the weekend. A was working. However it might be kind for A to give B some respite though as B will have had very little respite for 12 whole days. SAHPs don’t tend to get lunch breaks and do longer days