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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be a bit miffed at 12 week scan?

67 replies

Mamalexi343 · 30/01/2019 20:36

Hi everyone just wondering if IBU

We went for our 12 week scan the other day and it's left me feeling a bit disappointed, we arrived in good time and I'd downed a large bottle of water so my bladder was full per to their instructions and we were then left waiting for over an hour all the while I was terrified I would sneeze and pee myself lol

We are eventually seen and I'm immediately told I have to go for 'half a pee' because my bladder was too full (gee I wonder why) so I did and then they said the TV monitor was broken so we would just have to look at the scan monitor which was fine but as the image of our little one popped up she didn't turn the screen so I could see only my DH so he got to see baby for a while before me. I asked if she could turn the screen so I could see too and she said it doesn't turn that way so I'll just have to try to look without raising my body which was near enough impossible as it was turned so far away.

I caught a glimpse of baby for a second and then a second nurse starts talking to me about my blood results so I had to listen to her and before I knew it the scan was over.

Now I know these scans are to check baby is healthy and growing well but after suffering 4 miscarriages I was so desperate to see my baby for myself to know it was alive and everything was ok.

We were given some pictures and quickly ushered out the room so I didn't have time to ask any questions.

AIBU? My DH says I have pictures so I should feel fine knowing that everything is ok but I can't help but feel I missed out, he got to see baby and was saying things like oh look there's a hand, oh it's touching it's face and I didn't get to see that.

Sorry for the long rant I just feel a bit upset by it all

OP posts:

Lazypuppy · 30/01/2019 21:23

If you want a private scan just pay for it yourself

Howhot · 30/01/2019 21:23

You're not unreasonable to want a more leisurely scan experience but YABU to expect the NHS to provide that. You don't need your husband to go for a private scan. You can get good offers on groupon usually.

JasperKarat · 30/01/2019 21:24

We had a private scan, it was really good, very relaxed environment and they protected the image onto a wall, it was huge and crystal clear. Wait until at least sixteen weeks and it will be clearer and they can tell you the sex if you want to know. We had an early reassurance scan (anxiety because of medical issues) but SIL had the 16 week one and got a Groupon for £40 including photos and paid £5 for a dvd, I understand why you want to see given your experiences but the NHS dint have time or resources for that side of things. Your DH is BU. If he doesn't want to come take your mum or a friend.

anniehm · 30/01/2019 21:27

The scans are purely for medical reasons not for us to have a look, if they give you a picture or you can see the screen it's a bonus but it's not the purpose of the scan. I'm not sure why they do 2 now routinely, it was one at 18 weeks when we had ours (on two different continents so it was standard then.)

Mamimawr · 30/01/2019 21:28

There was a heartbeat.

Pay for a private scan if you want a nice picture.

Buddytheelf85 · 30/01/2019 21:28

I don’t think YABU, I think that’s really shit. Especially when you’ve suffered 4 miscarriages, which they know. I also don’t understand why people excuse rubbish service with the phrase ‘it’s the NHS’. We do pay about £110 billion a year for it, it’s not a charity band.

Anyway, I’d be feeling really upset in your shoes and I think your DH is being really, really unreasonable - it’s not about him seeing it, it’s about you (you know, the one who’s pregnant and has suffered 4 miscarriages) seeing it! They aren’t expensive and often the quality is much better than the NHS machines as others have said.

Yabbers · 30/01/2019 21:35

That sounds shit. Anyone pretending the first scan is just to see if they are healthy is full of crap. It’s quite an important one, especially if you've had miscarriages and seeing the little bean is a big thing.

Sorry it was so rubbish. Hope the next one goes better.

GruciusMalfoy · 30/01/2019 21:35

YANBU to be upset. I also would look at a private scan, they really don't have to cost very much, I just checked and the clinic I went to has an offer on for £39 for a 2D scan.

Jezzifishie · 30/01/2019 21:47

I'm another who would recommend a private scan - it was much more relaxed and a lovely experience, compared to the NHS ones which were much more perfunctory. I completely understand why, but the difference between the two was quite noticeable.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 30/01/2019 21:48

YANBU. I can see exactly why seeing the screen was a need, not just a want for you and I think you were unlucky with a screen that wouldn't turn and time pressure. However, that's how the cookie crumbled on the day and you either need to pay for a private scan or wait til 20week scan now.

And I know what you mean about the weeing thing. I was so desperate I peed in defiance before a (non pg related) ultra sound and they were running behind. They pressed down on me a bit so I would likely have wet myself anyway! I don't think you can win that game.

kaytee87 · 30/01/2019 21:50

DH won't do a private scan, he's seen baby so everything is fine in his opinion, no point paying more money for something we've seen.

Who died and made him king?

steff13 · 30/01/2019 21:51

DH won't do a private scan, he's seen baby so everything is fine in his opinion, no point paying more money for something we've seen.

Your husband doesn't have to do the scan.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 30/01/2019 21:56

I see why you're upset and of course it's circumstances on the day that meant the monitor was broken etc etc. Obviously if the little monitor couldn't be moved, and you couldn't move, then there's not much else that can be done. The sonographer could have been a bit more sympathetic though, maybe she could have frozen the image on the screen so you could have seen it, but then I guess you did have a photo which lots of people cherish.

Subsequent scans can also mean long waits and feeling like you're on a conveyor belt, just an FYI for you. If your baby isn't in a good position you're not going to be able to wait around for another picture, they might ask you to come back if it's important, otherwise not. Pictures are usually also at their discretion, so if the printer's broken or there's no paper, then you'll most likely be out of luck too.

However, your DH is really mean and if you want a private scan and they're not expensive, then you should book one (maybe another one later too). You're paying for a service and generally speaking you get all the pamper that goes along with that. If it's cheap, just book the afternoon off and go on your own, or with a friend.

QueenieInFrance · 30/01/2019 21:58

Tell your DH that he has nothing to say in the mater because YOU haven't see the baby and YOU want the same opportunity that he had.
The fact he saw things and feel conformable doesn't mean you do. there is no sharing of the experience by osmosis.

Book that private scan. Imo its much more lovely anyway.

If he wants to come, that's great. If he doesn't, just go n your own or with your mum/sister/friend.

but he doesn't get telly how to feel about the experience. Or if you can go and have a private scan.
Just like I would he wouldn't tell you whether you can buy this item of clothing etc...

happymum12345 · 30/01/2019 21:59

The 20 week scan will be here soon & just look at your lovely baby pictures until then. I had a private 3D scan at 27 weeks with my 3rd baby-it wasn’t too expensive as it was done in an nhs hospital & was the best thing ever! All the very best with your little bump

Greenglassteacup · 30/01/2019 22:02

You need your husband’s permission to have a private scan?

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 30/01/2019 22:03

I think this teeters on the edge of yabu and yanbu.

Baby is fine and there's photos.

But. Big but. You've had four miscarriages and could they not have let your partner make a quick video of the screen from his phone or something? They knew you had had four losses and were anxious.

As for "It's disappointing, but you do realise they were probably running late as they were consoling someone who unexpectedly found no heartbeat?" err when I had my scan with the baby I lost first, there was no magic time allocated for me to be consoled and treated differently. I left and wobbled to the nearest loo and broke down, alone. Just saying.

Have a good google and find the best offer for private, and you can always take a friend or relative. Doesn't have to be your disinterested partner.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 30/01/2019 22:10

This sounds like one of those posts where everyone will tell you that YABU but you aren’t going to believe it.

I’m sorry for your losses. As someone who has experienced losses I would have expected you to be a little more empathetic about having to wait because the main reason you wait that length for scans is because somebody earlier has had bad news and more time was needed for them. It’s also very normal to have to half empty your bladder but it’s easier to work from a full bladder than end up having to have an internal scan that isn’t so clear because the bladder isn’t full enough.

I agree about going for a private scan. Look on Groupon and places like that as they are often as cheap as £30 or so.

Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2019 22:18

Do you want to know the sex of the Baby? If so look for Groupon offers for a Scan and you'll have less than a month to wait.

As said, your DH doesn't get to decide on pregnancy issues.

lilyblue5 · 30/01/2019 22:19

YANBU OP. You’ve looked forward to seeing your Rainbow baby only to have a underwhelming experience
I would have a chat with your partner and book a private scan, they tend to be a much nicer experience in my opinion. Sorry you’ve had a bad experience and I hope the 20 week one is better. Congratulations too OP!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/01/2019 22:19

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I haven’t had a private scan but based on what others have said it sounds like a good idea.

You should get to hear the hb at your 16 week midwife appointment and after 5 mcs, including a mmc found at the 12 week scan, I’ve always found that much more reassuring than seeing the baby at a scan. I still don’t even look at the screen till DH has seen its moving and gives me hand a squeeze. We’re having regular scans and I find the night before massively stressful, but we all cope with things differently and find different things help. I’m having a proper wriggler too and have never had a decent photo from any scan, they all look like potatoes.

I do see why you were disappointed and can well imagine how anxious you are, I really do, but your baby is healthy and growing away in there, you have photos to enjoy and reassure you, you could have a private scan if you’d like to.

I promise it’ll get easier. Despite my pre-scan panics I’ve found hearing the hb at appointments makes a big difference and when you start to feel your baby move, which might not be that far off, you’ll have reassurance from that.

Wishing you a healthy, uneventful pregnancy.

StrandedStarfish · 30/01/2019 22:26

I know this isn’t a perfect solution but....

Are their any pregnancy advice centres near to you? There’s one near us which is run by a Christian group. Whilst I don’t have any religious feelings either way, they offer advice and scans to pregnant women. I have often referred women there for reassurance and they are happy to oblige.

OlennasWimple · 30/01/2019 22:32

Kudos to you for being able to do "half a wee"!

for your losses

Chinks123 · 30/01/2019 22:32

You’re not being unreasonable op. Yes there’s a heartbeat and everything’s healthy, but especially after losses it’s normal to be excited about seeing your baby.
I’m not sure where abouts you are, but they do scans near me for as little as £35. I went to one on my own after work without dp a few weeks ago, I didn’t ask his opinion before I spent the money. I also wouldn’t care that “he’d seen it” so that’s that. You didn’t. Private scans are always much better

ladycarlotta · 30/01/2019 22:34

YANBU for being upset. I've been where you are - at a 12 week scan after several losses - and I'm so grateful that the sonographer was nice to me and made it special, because it was such a big thing for me. I really needed to see the baby and start to believe that it might be sticking around.

What happened can't be helped but I don't think you should have to go without that special experience of seeing your baby really in there, alive and moving etc. For me it was hugely helpful to my mental health. I don't think going for a private scan would be a waste of money at all; if your partner really doesn't care about going again (and I reckon he should, to have that moment with you), take your mum or another loved one. And congratulations on your healthy pregnancy

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