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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that wanting another baby and wanting another child are not the same thing?

48 replies

Buggerbuggerbuggerargh · 30/01/2019 14:54

I have one DS who is nearly three. I love him so much but I find motherhood incredibly difficult. When he was first born I swore I would not be having any more but now more and more I feel a desire for another baby. I love newborns and the newborn stage with DS was my favourite.

However, I am not stupid and I know that babies grow up. I feel no desire for another child. I hate it when people say "oh you'll regret not having another but you'll never regret having one". Just don't think that's true at all. DS is my world and I would not give him up for anything but had I known how difficult I would find being a parent before I had him I might not have done it. I find the constant worry about him so draining.

As a family of three who are pretty financially secure life in spite of this is pretty easy for us and I am very risk averse and don't want to upset what we have by bringing another child into the mix. When I speak to people about this they say as I am broody for another baby that must mean I want more kids. AIBU that this is not the same thing at all!!!!

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/01/2019 14:56

I think wanting another baby but not wanting another child is a poor reason to become pregnant.
Wanting another child but not liking the babyhood thing isn't quite so bad as babyhood is finite.

Original poster
Buggerbuggerbuggerargh · 30/01/2019 14:56

Yes totally agree!!! That is my point.

OP posts:
Jeezoh · 30/01/2019 14:57

I agree that it’s not the same thing at all!! I wanted another child but didn’t want another baby, I’m not a fan of the very young stage not it was a means to an end for me. And a very hard slog to get through the baby days when I didn’t want to be there.

AmIAWeed · 30/01/2019 14:58

I completely agree! I have 2 teenagers and would adore a baby, my husband has no biological children and I'd love the pregnancy, planning and baby with him. However, I don't want all that comes after! It's hard work and I am just getting so freedom back and flexibility in my life, they are babies for such a short amount of time that I honestly believe you plan for a child and all that entails not a baby

Parthenope · 30/01/2019 14:59

"oh you'll regret not having another but you'll never regret having one"

That this is completely untrue is obvious from the large numbers of frank and anonymous posts on here regretting having children.

And I have one child by choice, and the only bad thing about it is the people telling me it's 'selfish' and that he will grow up an alienated, lonely misfit, because everyone with siblings is well-adjusted, gregarious and sharing. Hmm

Birdsgottafly · 30/01/2019 15:00

I agree.

Likewise wanting a kitten/puppy means that you shouldn't get one, because they don't stay little for long.

SarahAndQuack · 30/01/2019 15:01

It works the other way, too. I know someone who would love another child but cannot possibly cope with another baby. And I'm sure I know more women in that situation who've not talked to me about it.

It's common, all ways round.

FlagFish · 30/01/2019 15:02

oh you'll regret not having another but you'll never regret having one

I also disagree with this.

Amy326 · 30/01/2019 15:03

Totally agree. I would love another baby, but just because I want to do the baby bit again, not because I really want another child. Of course if another one was actually here I would love them but I don’t think I want all that having another CHILD entails, I just want to have a baby again from newborn up to about 18 months. I love the baby bit so much!

theWarOnPeace · 30/01/2019 15:06

I can understand this completely. I love children, in fact I love babies too, but find pregnancy and birth extremely difficult for health reasons. The health reasons mean that I can’t adopt etc but honestly if I could magic up another variation of my children and have them plonked down as a 3 year old, then I would do it! Another actual baby from the pregnancy and Baby stage, absolutely not.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2019 15:06

Totally agree. They need one of those 'a dog is for life not just for Christmas' slogans. Like 'a child is for life not just for babies' except better.

BareBelliedSneetch · 30/01/2019 15:10

I know exactly what you mean. I’d love to have a baby again. I’d love too feel those kicks inside me, start that intensely private bonding process that no one else can share because it’s still inside you. Go through that moment of birth again (forget the rest of labour Grin). Have a teeny tiny newborn again, breastfeed again. I would love to do it all again.

But two children is enough for our family, and we won’t be having any more.

KarineAimee · 30/01/2019 15:14

Haha, I’m in the “would love more babies/children, but cannot cope with another pregnancy” camp.

I think any of these views is valid. We’re all making the best of our circumstances.

UnicornPug · 30/01/2019 15:17

That’s why I only have 2 children. Because I only want another baby... I hadn’t realised until a friend asked me to picture my family in the future. I could see my current 2 children and a baby. Always a baby, never a child. I’d still LOVE another baby... but another 2 year old? Another teenager? No thanks. I totally agree with you!

Teachesofpeachess · 30/01/2019 15:18

I’m the opposite, I don’t like the baby bit and much prefer the child bit (so far)
I loved being pregnant though and had fairly straightforward births and feel sad that I probably won’t do all that again. But the baby bit is relentless!

thecatsthecats · 30/01/2019 15:19

I don't have kids yet, but it's children I look forward to, not babies. I don't smush over babies, I flat don't comprehend the desperation for cuddles. I've had colleagues demand hysterically to see photos of my nephew - a baby they'll never meet. I've had people unrelated buy 'a little something for my new nephew' and I'm like, seriously?

I know I can care for a baby though, and I know I want children. Twins run in the family, and I'm kind of keen to have them, because if not I doubt I'd put myself through the baby stage again for the sake of a second child - or worse, two!

Original poster
Buggerbuggerbuggerargh · 30/01/2019 15:19

Ds was an easy baby, he just slept. This bit is far more relentless imo Grin

OP posts:
Anotherdayanotherdollar · 30/01/2019 15:25

Absolutely! At the moment I'm at the "I'd love another baby" stage, but I don't want another child (right now, would love another at some stage). I'd love the newborn snuggles. And another mat leave tbh Grin

BirthdayCakes · 30/01/2019 15:33

I'm the opposite too - I'd love another child but CBA with the whole baby thing..

I'd also say that 3 can be a really difficult age so don't totally write off childhood! I liked 3 because they're still pretty weird and crazy but able to have a conversation..

whiskybysidedoor · 30/01/2019 15:37

The other thing that you never think about is that although babies can be very cheap, growing children most certainly are not!

The fact I hate pregnancy aside, id never have any more due to cost. I love that I can give mine a lovely easy life, taking that away from them even a little when I want to give them the moon and stars is completely unpalatable.

IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 30/01/2019 15:37

I’d have another baby AND a child but only if someone else has it when it’s 3. 3yr olds suck

BertieBotts · 30/01/2019 15:39

Hmm, but toddlers are hard - you might like older children and wish you'd had 2? Sorry that's not very helpful :o I suppose if you did feel like that you could always just have a big age gap. I always felt that 3 year olds would be easier if they had another 1-5 year old around, though. But DS1 was extremely clingy and much better when a friend was over.

I definitely disagree with the statement about not regretting having a child. I think what whoever said that means is that you'll always love the child. But it can definitely be the case that you think you wish you hadn't complicated your life with number .

PerfectPeony · 30/01/2019 15:39

I think you could only think this if you have had an easy baby.

I love DD but can’t ever to this again- obviously I have no idea if it gets better, or worse!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/01/2019 15:39

You are making a sensible choice, which works for your family. I wanted another baby as in child to grow up. My body had other ideas and pregnancy was very difficult. Dd was conceived through ivf.

Parthenope
Yes, I got that too. Putting aside the difficulty to conceive idk quite how people thought I’d look after my dd when I was struggling to look after her even without another pregnancy and baby. Dd would have been the perfect older sibling actually...well probably. She is a gregarious child. Hates to do stuff alone. She spent a lot of time from birth with friends babies.

Tinty · 30/01/2019 15:39

If you want a child but don't like the baby stage, you just get through it and you have a child, if you just want a baby, but don't like the child stage don't do it. Grin

My SIL loves babies, she has 6, she is a good mum, but she openly says she had 6 (and would have more, given the choice), because she loves babies. Shock Smile Which is great if you have the time and energy to bring up 6.