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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disagreement with mum

31 replies

FTM2019 · 30/01/2019 12:22

Hi, I've previously posted about this but the situation has got worse and I'm getting really down about it.

I'm 4 weeks pp and I'm now not talking to my mum, or should I say she's not talking to me.

Since having my baby, I have felt under a lot of pressure from her, she would spend all day every day with my DS if she could, and when she isn't here she is constantly asking for photos, saying she misses him and makes remarks about parenting choices we make. My DF is lucky enough to have extended paternity leave, and she is the only one to have found all of the negatives in this - I believe it's because she wants to be the one helping with my DS rather than my DF.

Over the past few weeks, things have got gradually worse with her being very difficult and complaining that she hasn't seen him enough, she won't be able to look after him when I go back to work because he won't know her, but then being difficult to make plans with when I do suggest them. She says we're 'always busy' when the reality is that through the week and evenings she has commitments with my younger sister.

At the weekend I finally couldn't hold my tongue any more and asked her to please stop putting pressure on me, that I'm doing the best I can and trying to make sure everyone does see DS whilst also enjoying time as a family. She told me she feels used, upset and didn't expect things to be this way when DS arrived. I was supposed to see her yesterday, when I took DS out on my own for the first time to meet my Aunty for coffee at a small retail park. She then changed her mind and refused to come because she didn't feel it was 'quality time' Sad

We now haven't spoken since the weekend. I am usually the first to make contact or apologise if we ever do fall out (which really doesn't happen often) but AIBU to feel it really should be her getting in touch with me? I'm a new, FTM and I feel like she is trying to taint it for me, and I just don't know what to do next.

I'm just looking for some support because I don't really have anyone else to talk to, my DF is very supportive but he finds the whole situation very difficult.

Thank you if you have got this far x

OP posts:
Devon1987 · 30/01/2019 12:32

I think your DM needs to realise this is your baby not hers. You are first time mum who is probably still finding her feet. She needs to back off and offer support when you ask.
I find the emotional blackmail of 'DS won't know me' disturbing.

punishmepunisher · 30/01/2019 12:33

Have you asked her exactly what her expectations were, so that you can discuss them with her and put her straight where they may have been too high?

It sounds like she isn't as needed as she wanted to be, and is behaving very immaturely about it. Which obviously isn't going to make you want to spend more time with her, so she's shooting herself in the foot.

Fairenuff · 30/01/2019 12:42

What was the advice on your last thread?

She is not respecting your boundaries so if it were me I would not be letting her look after him when you go back to work.

Kko1986 · 30/01/2019 13:12

Grandparents can be amazing but I do sometimes wonder especially with daughters if they see their grandchildren as theirs by extension and their daughter just carried the child x don't let her try and take this time from you and be miserable trying to make her happy this is your time you are mum she had her time x

StreetwiseHercules · 30/01/2019 13:24

I’m a dad and I got this shit with my mother. We’ve now been NC for years.

Your mother fears that her place in control is under threat because of your child. She is asserting herself over you just so you don’t forget who the important one really is. There might be a new baby, but she’s the number 1. That’s her thinking.

Drum2018 · 30/01/2019 13:31

Why is she under the impression that she will be minding baby when you go back to work? Do not make any such arrangements, find and pay a childminder/creche. Othwise she will completely take over. Let her be the one to contact you. And don't apologise for speaking up for yourself.

Original poster
FTM2019 · 31/01/2019 11:23

Thank you all for replying, it has made me feel a little better about the situation although we're still not talking. I think we're both in a stand off situation, with both of us waiting for the other to apologise, although I don't feel I have anything to apologise for (please correct me if I'm wrong).

I have always been very close to my mum so this is difficult for me.

If it were you would you bite the bullet and get in touch?

OP posts:
Asdfghjklll · 31/01/2019 11:37

If you do get in touch do not apologise you have done nothing wrong. Maybe give it a bit longer before making any effort to reconnect

Hugglessnuggles · 31/01/2019 11:40

No I wouldn’t. Your priority is your baby and finding your feet. She should understand that having been a mum herself. Just get on with being a mum and looking after your baby. It’s only her that’s missing out.

ThorsMistress · 31/01/2019 11:43

I could of written this post!

DS2 is now 4 months old but when he was first born I fell out with my mum as I was apparently 'stopping her from seeing him'.

I went to work when he was small to see my work colleagues and that ended up being wrong, as I could see them for an hour but not give her 5 minutes!

Having a baby is hard as everyone wants to see him/her but you also need you time. And your DF only gets a certain amount of time off with you and baby so it's precious.

I can now thankfully say she's backed right off and we see her when we can!

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 31/01/2019 11:50

I would really advise that you don't let your mother provide childcare. I think you need to firmly establish the boundaries of who's baby it is.

My friend was exactly like this with her grandchild. She ended up letting her grandchild call her mum and the actual mum was taught to be called by the nickname only the grandmother used. She wouldn't follow most of the instructions the mother gave.

It ended up with the mother stopping my friend providing childcare. She then kidnapped her grandchild and is now virtually non contact.

DartmoorDoughnut · 31/01/2019 11:56

@MyShinyWhiteTeeth huh? Your friend kidnapped her GC?!

OP yes I wouldn’t let your DM provide childcare unless she calms the fuck down

PregnantSea · 31/01/2019 11:59

Your mum is being crazy.

Don't let her provide childcare when you go back to work. I know it saves money but it won't be worth it, trust me. She'll keep overstepping boundaries and it will get really out of hand.

StreetwiseHercules · 31/01/2019 12:02

I used to always apologise and end up grovelling to make the peace. Until my first baby came along.

I had so much else to consider and did not have the mental energy to deal with drama so decided that my days of grovelling to make peace were over and family dramas were not my problem to solve ever again.

VWpurse · 31/01/2019 12:07

Telling you if the baby doesn’t know her then she won’t be able to look after him when you’re at work is emotional blackmail and not on.

Yes it’s generous that she will provide childcare, but if this is unpaid... well it’s not. She is going to get plenty of time with him then and she still wants to steal your first few weeks... I’d be worried about this.

Do you have other options for childcare? Lay your ground rules now. Start as you mean to go on. Your ground rules depend on your options.

Bluearsedfly36 · 31/01/2019 12:15

I wouldn't get in touch OP, I'd carry on as you are and let her stew. She's acting like a spoilt child. Well done you for standing your ground xx

VimFuego101 · 31/01/2019 12:17

Do you actually plan on having her provide childcare when you go back to work? It doesn't sound like she'll be very reliable.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 31/01/2019 12:51

DartmoorDoughnut

The mother was advised not to allow unsupervised access to the child but did after a few years. They had issues again and go through various cycles of non contact/low contact.

The GM refuses to accept the boundaries so has very limited access to her grandchildren. She is very manipulative and emotionally abusive.

MaMaMaMySharona · 31/01/2019 12:57

If you don't want it to continue as a stand-off, my advice would be to message her as normal and ask when she's free to meet up. Definitely do not apologise - regardless of whether this would smooth the discussion now, this will give her the go-ahead to use this behaviour in future to get her way.

If she responds to your message in a childish or angry way, point this out to her and tell her it's her own behaviour which is causing the divide!

Original poster
FTM2019 · 04/02/2019 20:55

I ended up messaging DM today, suggesting we meet and clear the air to put it behind us, for the sake of DS moving forward.

She said she doesn't want to meet up, doesn't want to discuss it and has 'got the message' of how it's going to be moving forward. She said it's been really hard for her since DS was born, that she's heartbroken that it hasn't turned out how she thought it would and it's soul destroying waiting around to be involved in our lives Confused She also said she knows I'll be in touch when DF is back at work and I'm 'sad and lonely'.

So where do we go from here? I've offered the olive branch & she hasn't taken it. I guess I have to accept that she has made her decision and move forward and focus on my DS and DF. I find it hard because I haven't really got anyone else to rely on but I can't even rely on her any more so this is how it's going to have to be Sad

OP posts:
Winchestermom35 · 04/02/2019 21:24

She sounds so manipulative. Let her come back to you if you want her too.

Balls in her court now I wouldn’t contact her again. She’s being ridiculous & batshit. & when you’ve called her on it, it’s YOUR fault?!

Get out to some mother & baby groups. Meet new people. You CAN do this. It doesn’t have to be all on her terms.

Chloemol · 04/02/2019 21:25

Let her sulk. She obviously is not thinking about you and your ds only herself. Leave it a few days and try again. If you get the same message just leave her to it

Owwlie · 04/02/2019 21:28

Just leave her to get over it OP. My mom has always attempted to be very over involved in my life but since having DD I've taken a massive step back.

When I was pregnant she made remarks about me 'raising DD exactly as she raised me' and was really dismissive of any involvement of my DP. I realised she saw herself as a third parent, and somehow more involved than my partner in raising DD. She made the same remarks about me keeping DD from her despite seeing her once a week.

Eventually (it took about a year) she's gotten the picture. I said something to her along the lines of
'I want you to be involved in DDs life, however you are not her parent. DP and I are her parents and we are responsible for making all decisions regarding her. I am not cutting you out of her life but you cannot be involved in everything we do, that's not healthy or normal. You had your chance to parent your children, this is not another 'go' at parenting for you. We will of course spend time with you but will not be spending all of our time with you, we have other family and friends to see and need time just the three of us as well. I'm sure you understand this as we never had our grandparents around all of the time'. I rehearsed it a bit before I talked to her and had other people there as witnesses so she couldn't twist things. She had a bit of a tantrum but I just ignored her until she calmed down.

I would also advise not using her as regular childcare when you return to work. Even if she appears to calm down she may just pretend to go along with you so that you let her look after him. I would also guess that the first time you disagree about something she will throw and tantrum and refuse to look after him until you grovel. Professional childcare will be much more reliable.

VWpurse · 04/02/2019 21:34

Do not use this woman as childcare, she’ll have you over a barrel. I saw it happen with MIL and SIL. In fact MIL would pick fights on purpose to get SIL to grovel so MIL would get her own way over something.

Beware

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 04/02/2019 21:40

I am nc with dm after she realised I would not be taking parenting advice from her.
Explain to your dm she can have the role of dgm if she accept you are the dm - or she will be kept away.
And mean it.

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