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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for advice on how to split our estate

29 replies

KnittedDinosaur · 30/01/2019 09:27

The will/sisters thread reminded me that I meant to put my confusion to the nest of vipers to see what you all might do in our position.

We have a simple mirror will at the moment but circumstances around extended family have changed and I don’t know what to do for the best.

We have no children and DH is an only child. I have two siblings, one of whom I will have nothing to do with due to her treatment of me in the past. Both siblings have children and we have a number of godchildren. A slight complication is that the sister I do see lives abroad where the tax regime means that IHT would be paid over there by the recipients as well as over here on the estate (though I wonder if I care about that because I would be dead if this tax was due, but it does irk me somewhat).

The change in family circumstances is the sibling I am NC with has just started a family. Obviously it’s not the child’s fault that it’s parent is awful to me, so should I include them. Though wouldnt this be unfair to the other nieces/nephews who have a relationship with me but would also effectively receive less because of the different tax regime.

Clearly am overthinking it, but AIBU to ask what you might do in our situation?

OP posts:
Wombatwife · 30/01/2019 09:36

My advice would be to leave it to those you have a relationship with. They are the ones that shared your life and will think positively of you when they receive the inheritance.
If you are including one sibling (and children) but not another I would also write a brief letter of intent so it’s clear why you’ve done this. Something as simple as explaining you had a relationship with them would be enough.

ShatnersWig · 30/01/2019 09:48

I would leave more to the family children and god children that you have a relationship with but I would leave something to the child (although it may be children later of course) of the sibling you're NC with. But nothing for your sibling.

You can feel very good about it and it will infuriate NC sibling no end.

5foot5 · 30/01/2019 10:19

Similar to my PILs situation.
They have 3 DS, all of whom have children. Many years ago one of the DS went NC with his parents after his wife had a fall out with them. (He has long since divorced but still remains NC with his parents)

In their wills PIL have left a fixed amount to each of their GC, including the DC of the DS who went NC. The remainder will be split between their other two DS (DH and his other brother)

Kko1986 · 30/01/2019 10:19

Spend it. You have no obligation to anyone however if you want to leave money do it However your heart says. Don't tangle yourself in knots the money is yours to give as you wish.

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2019 10:37

Do ypur siblings have a relationship w each other?

TwoBlueFish · 30/01/2019 11:13

I would leave a fixed amount (stayed as a percentage of your assets or fixed amount whichever is less) to each niece/nephew and split the rest between the siblings you like. Be aware though that this could cause legal battles and bad feelings between your 2 siblings.

Original poster
KnittedDinosaur · 30/01/2019 11:23

My siblings are cordial with each other but don’t have a relationship. The sibling I am NC with barely knows the other sibling’s children.

I tie myself in knots because it’s not the new DN’s fault that his parent and I don’t speak and they are just as much of a DN to me as the ones I see. New DN’s parents are also not materially wealthy (whereas other sibling is v comfortable) so what we bequeath will make a huge difference in their life. And somehow, in spite of their parent being awful to me I feel that I have an obligation to them because I could really help them. Stupid overthinking brain.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 30/01/2019 11:27

If I didn't have children I'd spend as much as I could and leave the rest to charity. I certainly wouldn't be tying myself in knots about what happened after I was dead.

BarbarianMum · 30/01/2019 11:28

What about leaving 1 pot of money to be split bw all nieces/nephews (your nc sib may have more) then leave the rest to the sibling you do get on with? Or pot bw all nieces/nephews and rest to charity?

Oysterbabe · 30/01/2019 11:31

I'd split it equally between all the neices and nephews, nothing to the siblings.

00100001 · 30/01/2019 11:33

spend the money on yourselves.

leave the rest to the cat..

user1474894224 · 30/01/2019 11:46

Wow you are not dead yet. You may need all your money to pay for care as you get older especially as you have no DC. So don't over think this too much. No one is entitled to anyone elses money....family or not. The new DN who you don't see will have no idea what the other DN's get. It is none.of their business. Leave your money to your loved ones. (Think about this....you have no money left. You desperately need care. Who would put themselves out to see you are ok? Who would spend money and time looking after you? Who would visit you? Leave your money to them....whether that's friends, godchildren or family).

Confusedbeetle · 30/01/2019 11:49

Keep a simple mirror will. Leave everything to each other. After the first one dies the survivor can write a new will. Never mind extended family. Whatever else you will do will create havoc. Dont go there

heartshapedknob · 30/01/2019 11:57

It’s admirable that you are trying to be fair, but sometimes there is no clear way forward. In your shoes I’d leave money to your loved ones, don’t let this cause you unnecessary stress.

Obviously this is a different scenario, and I’m sharing only to try and give a different perspective although it might seem harsh, not least because it sounds as if you’re on the same side of an estrangement as we are, but my own family is on the opposite side of a similar situation.
Partner is NC with his mother due to her behaviour and he doesn’t expect - or want - anything from her when she dies. Same for our children, their view is that she disregarded them in life so why would they want any sort of gift from her in death.

heartshapedknob · 30/01/2019 11:59

Missed my last paragraph off after all that!

Ask yourself if your sister would likely think of doing the same for you? It’s good to be considerate however it sounds like this is all one way.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/01/2019 12:05

Could you leave a larger percentage/ amount to the family abroad to compensate for the IHT burden on them?

WetWipesGoInTheBin · 30/01/2019 12:21

I had this issue before I had a child myself and decided to leave my estate to the sibling's children I had a good strong personal relationship with. The rest of my siblings' children would have got nothing from me. My siblings also would have got nothing.

I had a number of reasons for doing this including the fact that when I've been ill that sibling's children as soon as they have been old enough have personally helped me without prompting. Also we have been previously told as a family if you don't leave anything to someone in a will who isn't a spouse or otherwise a dependant then they would find it extremely hard to contest a will. Plus as those children are helpful they would help another family member if they needed the help and could, there as I couldn't trust the others to do that.

You may want to leave a letter with your will to explain why you came to the decisions you have made. You simply need to state in your case like mine that you left your estate to be divided by the younger people who have had a strong personal relationship as individuals with you.

thecatsthecats · 30/01/2019 12:54

I'm not one to worry overmuch about blood.

Children of a sibling I don't have a relationship with might as well be next door neighbours children, or a schoolfriend I lost touch with, or a starving child in Africa, etc etc.

I honestly care more about my cats than the sister who I have to do all the running to keep in touch with (yet sulks that I don't do more...).

So I agree with those saying spend it. If you want, set aside a toekn sum for each of your nice sibling and nieces and nephews, but just bung the rest to charity. What's left of your enjoying yourself anyway!

thecatsthecats · 30/01/2019 12:58

BTW, I think there is a difference in the other will thread because the inheritance IS going to two children and two grandchildren - it's not a case of children inheriting unfairly from their own parent.

If I am to inherit anything from my parents (I wish they'd spend the lot instead of reusing teabags twice, FGS!), I'd like it to be fair. Aunts, uncles etc? Meh. Don't care. It's a bonus.

DobbinsVeil · 30/01/2019 13:06

If it's possible that any of the beneficiaries may still be minors, you need to consider who the Trustee of their inheritance would be. Given the relationship with your estranged sibling, would you want that sibling to be the Trustee? Having a solicitor as a Trustee can be very ££££ and eat away at the inheritance.

Original poster
KnittedDinosaur · 30/01/2019 13:15

Thank you for commenting. I do plan on spending it, it’s just the what if scenario.

I was fully expected to be told it would be unfair to not leave anything to my estranged sibling’s child(ren), so it’s comforting to hear that others think it’s ok not to if I choose.

OP posts:
dudsville · 30/01/2019 13:19

I rather like the idea of leaving money to the child of a sibling I don't get on with. It's nice for the child and very much taking the higher road.

Nevertellasole · 30/01/2019 13:23

I would leave a provision to your sister who you talk to, your nieces and your godchildren. It doesn't need to be equal.

Ariela · 30/01/2019 13:23

Frankly I'd leave the lot to charity! Saves complications.

Topseyt · 30/01/2019 14:16

I might be tempted to spend what you want of it and leave the rest to your favourite charity.