To think you should hand baby back to the mother

[muffins85]

I'm not sure if I'm bu or not but I'd like some advice for the future if this happens again. Myself and DH went out for dinner for the first time since our dd was born. It was the first time we'd left dd with anyone but ourselves.
Mil came over to look after her which we appreciate. When we got home dd was asleep on mil and I went to take her up. Mil told me she was alright there so I left it and went to make tea. Literally two minutes later she goes il try put her down now in her crib. AIBU to think that mil should have handed my daughter over to me when I went to take her? I'm not someone that won't let anyone hold her, when she arrived I handed dd straight over to mil for a cuddle while I finished off doing a few things. DD is only 10 weeks old. my husband doesn't see it as a big deal.

I’m not sure it’s a big deal either. Is there any point souring relations for the sake of two minutes? You weren’t holding her all night so I can’t see what difference it makes really. If you felt so strongly you should have pushed her at the time and said you’d take her to bed, not wandered off to make some tea.

It really isn't a huge deal but your feelings do matter I bet you feel dismissed , Granny was enjoying her babysitting her putting the baby down wasn't the worst thing was it?

MIL probably (rightly) thought that the baby would more easily transfer to her cot directly from the person she was sleeping on rather than transferring her to you and then to the cot.

Having an 11 week old myself, if the baby falls asleep on someone at bedtime then you should let them put them into their bed. Otherwise, you risk them waking up by being handed over to you, and then put in bed. I think you are overreacting quite a bit. Many times my baby has fallen asleep in someone else's arms and they've put them into bed for me, it's a massive help!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think it sounds as though MIL was just trying to help rather than trying to meddle or undermine you. I agree that if a Mother asks for her baby back, you hand it right over rather than contradict, though.

In the first few years of your baby's life you have to go through all these 'firsts' and although you feel like you want them to happen (enjoying a night out solo with DH, for example) you're also likely to be subconsciously on 'high alert' when you come home, so you're more likely to find fault in those around you. It's those moments that I found really difficult at times, especially because MIL was so desperate to help and be part of things that I could perceive all kinds of things she did as wrong when really she was just ridiculously excited to be part of the DCs lives.

Unless your MIL is the type to always march in and take over, she probably meant well, and I would let this one slide for now. You don't say whether that is the case or not.

If she keeps taking over though and is too overbearing then you will have to get tougher.

If

Sorry, not sure where that spare "if" came from.

Congratulations on your new baby! And getting out of the house by 10 weeks!
I expect she thought she was doing you a favour and was trying to help. But if you feel strongly about this you must act soon before these situations are allowed to continue and become worse.
Don't get me started on my relationship with my MIL and her interaction with my children. But she's YOUR dd and if you want to hold her, you hold her.
Bear in mind too, that your hormones are everywhere at the mo and dd is your total world (as she should be) Your husband is presumably not 10 weeks post partum, breastfeeding feeding nor a full time new mother so don't look to him to understand how you're feeling!
Good Luck and enjoy your baby.

I think that she was just letting you know that she didn't expect you to take her and that you could relax and have a cup of tea/coffee, get changed if you want etc.

I feel that this is a no win situation. If you don't say you'll take/mind/keep the baby, then some Mothers don't like to ask and no-ones happy.

I don't know you are looking to pick at your Mil, perhaps you aren't ready to leave your Baby?

Either way, don't get at the person helping you.

I can understand that you probably missed your baby and wanted a cuddle but I think it was in your baby’s best interests to be able to carry on sleeping peacefully and she was far more likely to transfer over from the person she was already asleep on. Your MIL was doing you a favour and unless there is a backstory you will look back on this in the future and realise she wasn’t being unreasonable.

I understand where you are coming from. I don't think mil was trying to be controlling or spiteful.... Next time if she says that/similar just say "thanks but I would like to I have missed lo". Which I think is the crux of the matter. It is probably the first night since your lo has been born that you haven't had lovely warm, heavy baby snuggles.

It isn't a big deal at all. Don't over think stuff, it's not the route to happiness.

You are waaay overthinking things. Far better to minimise the number of transfers.

Ah op you are being unreasonable but it's natural to feel like tiger mother with a cub!

Your MIL was trying to help - surely she just wanted to gently move your baby without waking and also wanted you to feel you can have a cup of tea take your coat off etc.

You had been away and wanted to cuddle baby but remember those strong feelings aren't evident to granny !

Way forward next time is just say oh I'm desperate for a cuddle I don't mind of she wakes and take control so people know what you are thinking

YABU your MIL was trying to help you and as PPs said it's best to do the minimum number of transfers as possible.

I frequently get other people particularly my DP to put my daughter down to sleep, and I have done since she was 6 weeks old, as she is more likely to continue sleeping peacefully.

YABU I think you are totally normal for wanting a cuddle with your baby straight away but I think your MIL was being kind and helpful.

Urm don't mind if she wakes why would anybody want to wake a 10 weekold baby their sleep is more important than a cuddle!

You should be grateful for the help !

Oh God, is this what being a mil going to be like? Every single thing that you do to help is thrown under the microscope and analysed for possible reasons to be upset and offended?

I can see why you may feel dismissed here OP, but I don't think your MIL should have had to hand baby back to you if they was sleeping peacefully. You can have cuddles anytime. It's easier for MIL to transfer baby to the crib than to hand baby to you and for you to do it.

Don't dwell on it, it's not a huge deal, but I can understand why you may have felt put out.

Congratulations on your 10 week old

Your husband is right

Your MIL was very kind to babysit for you, she was doing you a favour, she might have thought you felt you had to take over the minute you walked in and wanted to say no need to etc.

unless there is a huge backstory YABU

It's family, it's give and take, watch your attitude or you may find your free childcare drying up, or much more seriously and sadly, you will damage your DD's relationship with her grandmother, which would be a shame

Poor MIL, trying to be helpful and thinking of the baby and you're offended. Of course the baby should be left on somebody if they're asleep and it just makes sense that person would put them in their cot. I get you may have wanted a cuddle but your MIL was probably just trying to save you having to deal with a woken baby as soon as you walked in the door. Is this your first baby?

Every single thing that you do to help is thrown under the microscope and analysed for possible reasons to be upset and offended?

That's what it feels like reading threads like this doesn't it? All supported by the "youre just a new mother" line.

YABU. Move on before you create a big pointless issue with someone who sounds really supportive and is willing to do childcare for you. I'm braced for the drip feed about how she kicks puppies in her spare time.