AIBU to not want my bigger friend to borrow my clothes?

[Harriettah]

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet. A friend of mine who is a mum recommended that I join here even though I'm childless because there's loads of useful life advice generally. I hope that's ok.

So my problem is that I have a really close friend who I live with. The last couple of weeks though she keeps asking if she can borrow various items of my clothing. I'm a size 6-8 on the top, and a 10-12 on the bottom, whilst she's a 16 for context. She has a lovely figure, she's just shaped very differently to me.

I have said yes to her borrowing my clothes as I don't want to hurt her feelings by implying that she's big in any way, especially because she is quite sensitive about her weight. She just returned a top of mine though and it's stretched out so doesn't look flattering on me anymore. I haven't said anything about this yet.

How do I tell her gently and kindly that I don't want her to borrow my clothing in the future if she asks again?

Me & my best friend used to love trying on each others clothes, especially if we got new stuff. We’d stand in front of the mirror admiring ourselves (we used to diet together!). But we soon grew out of it as we developed different styles & our different shapes became apparent (90s skinny standards notwithstanding). I’m all bum, she’s all boob.
I’d envy her drainpipe jeans, she’d cover my neat little jackets. The thing is that this was something we did when we were 22... And both a size 10 (or less).

Covet, obvs...

You'd be surprised. I've been in exactly OP's position. My flatmate was always asking to "raid my wardrobe" which baffled me as I was a size 6 at the time and she was about three inches shorter than me and probably a 14. She wasn't 'delusional' in the least, except in the opposite direction - she had huge hang-ups about her weight and thought she was enormous (which she wasn't), so I never understood it at all. I sometimes wondered whether it was that if she could get into something labelled "XS" or "6" it would give her a psychological boost, however it looked. (She never left the house looking awful, just that I wondered whether how something looked was secondary to the label size.)

This is probably it. She's probably delusional about her size.

Oh god this has struck a nerve. My older sister (NC - another story) since time immemorial considered my stuff to be hers: think toys, birthday /Christmas presents and so on. Anyway, it continued when we were teenagers - we were completely different shapes. Me tall and beanpoley, her a wee bit shorter, a bit wider, very wide feet and bosomy. All my stuff got ruined. It extended to makeup, costume jewellery, perfume etc. She even grabbed a beautiful and expensive scarf and a very trendy (at the time - 1960s) watch that I'd saved up for, for her bloody best pal to wear so they could look the part when going out all dolled up. I was going out that evening too and planned to wear the scarf and my new watch, but my sister's wishes and complaints prevailed

I was always told by her, parents etc that I was being selfish and greedy, and so I felt guilty about being resentful as well as dreadfully upset. After I left home, we were very LC, but on one occasion, she attached herself to me and a bunch of my new friends who were travelling to a big town quite a distance away where there was a fabulous shopping centre. She'd half invited herself, and half been asked by my new friends who all had relatively normal relationships with their families and siblings. I think they thought I was being odd, and a bit mean at being so distant with and not liking my sister (btw there was a lot more to it than that - physical attacks etc). Anyhow, on the way home from the trip on the train, we were all admiring and gloating over our purchases when my sister grabbed the shoes I'd bought and stuffed her large, wide, BARE feet into them and stood up on the train and walked around preening. She then sat down still wearing them, picked up a box containing some scent I'd bought from our booty on the table, ripped open the cellophane, opened the box and sprayed herself liberally with it, enthusing all the time.

I'll never forget the look on my friends' faces, not to mention the other passengers'. At that moment, I started to feel vindicated for all the guilt and suppressed anger.

Sorry for going off topic. I didn't mean it to turn into a rant!

Inky is there any chance our respective parents had a time-share arrangement with my sister? What drove me especially round the twist was that if I let her borrow something once, she'd see it as a loan in perpetuity. I always remember when I was a teenager, I started seeing a guy in another city and so often spent the weekend with him, and so needed a weekend bag. I bought myself one, but one weekend when I was home she asked if she could borrow it for a night. Big mistake: next time I needed it she'd just marched into my room and taken it again without asking. My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it!

She'd also frequently borrow my stuff and either break or lose it. It happened all the time. I remember in the early noughties there was a trend for mini water dispensers, like the ones you get in offices but personal desk-sized ones. I'd been given one by a friend for a birthday present after long wanting one. Sister was producing a play at school which had an office scene in it, and asked to borrow it as a prop - I literally said "no, because whenever you borrow my stuff you lose it" but she PLEADED and INSISTED she'd return it right away... You guessed it. She lost it. (How does that even happen?) Then she not only didn't replace it, but didn't even apologise, and was defensive and indignant about it.

God she was awful! She gave me a lifelong hang-up about lending things to people. She seems to be better now, I wonder whether she did it with flatmates one too many times and realised it was she and not I who was unreasonable.

A similar situation but with children. Clothes are getting streatched. ‘Just keep your own clothes on’ doesn’t work.

I'd never ask a friend to borrow their clothes.

I'm small on top and my big busted mate RUINED a number of my tops.

Do they not bounce back into shape when washed?

I never wanted a sister, as Mum would tell me the stories about her sister, growing up. Her sister once sprayed out, in a temper, an entire bottle of Mum’s new perfume when they were teens. Awful...

I was in the exact.same situation a long time ago with a flatmate. She was bigger and use And stretched my clothes. She never washed them as well. I eventually told her it cant happen anymore after finding alot of my clothes in the dirty hamper and she took major offence. I moved out shortly after. Your friend cannot be that thick to not know shes bigger than you and stretching your clothes, she just doesnt care.

Hello QuimReaper (love the user name btw!) No, I reckon our respective sisters are one of a kind, thank god! I wouldn't wish mine on my worst enemy. Sounds like you've found peace with yours though.

Andylion Wed 30-Jan-19 15:53:53
I'm small on top and my big busted mate RUINED a number of my tops.

Do they not bounce back into shape when washed?

no deary, they don't