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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my bigger friend to borrow my clothes?

62 replies

Harriettah · 29/01/2019 23:07

Hi, I'm new to Mumsnet. A friend of mine who is a mum recommended that I join here even though I'm childless because there's loads of useful life advice generally. I hope that's ok.

So my problem is that I have a really close friend who I live with. The last couple of weeks though she keeps asking if she can borrow various items of my clothing. I'm a size 6-8 on the top, and a 10-12 on the bottom, whilst she's a 16 for context. She has a lovely figure, she's just shaped very differently to me.

I have said yes to her borrowing my clothes as I don't want to hurt her feelings by implying that she's big in any way, especially because she is quite sensitive about her weight. She just returned a top of mine though and it's stretched out so doesn't look flattering on me anymore. I haven't said anything about this yet.

How do I tell her gently and kindly that I don't want her to borrow my clothing in the future if she asks again?

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 30/01/2019 00:39

she cant be unaware she is a different size. could this be deliberate ?

MissLadyM · 30/01/2019 00:42

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Sarcelle · 30/01/2019 00:45

I am guessing Lady is on the curvy size....

MissLadyM · 30/01/2019 00:48

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user1473878824 · 30/01/2019 01:00

@MissLadyM you sound delightful so swings and roundabouts really.

quizqueen · 30/01/2019 01:00

I don't understand why people are so frightened of just saying, 'No' to things they don't want to do. Although I expect mumsnet would come to a halt if that happened!!

user1473878824 · 30/01/2019 01:01

She’s said it was an oversized top on her. I have bought lots of things that are oversized in a smaller size so they fit me.

TheMaddHugger · 30/01/2019 01:02

MissLadyM

AIBU to not want my bigger friend to borrow my clothes?
SapphireSeptember · 30/01/2019 01:54

I'm a size 16 but I own size 10 tops, clothes sizing isn't always consistent, and OP says the top was an oversized one.

RonaldMcDonald · 30/01/2019 02:33

You need to learn that no is a healthy and complete sentence

Next time she asks, say no

No further discussion. Do you need some self esteem work?

Claudia1980 · 30/01/2019 07:12

How weird asking to borrow clothes. Unless you are a poor student

Rainbowshine · 30/01/2019 07:23

If she asks again just say actually I prefer not to lend so no you can’t borrow it. It was a one off last time.

MoreCheeseDear · 30/01/2019 07:25

Tell her her beautiful boobs have stretched your tops and your small ones don't fill it any more.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 30/01/2019 08:05

Oh the irony of MissLadyM Hmm

YANBU - I'm a 16 with massive norks. I often buy oversized stuff in smaller sizes as when you are bigger, the correct size for you can end up looking like a tent! I have a loose style jumper which is a size 10 - fits me really nicely as it skims rather than flaps, but if a size 10 friend were to wear it, it would look shit because it's stretched to accommodate my chest Grin

Tell her that her boob size is different to yours and it's affecting the shape of your clothes so that they don't look right on you and you can't afford to keep replacing them. If she's a decent friend then she'll understand.

Original poster
Harriettah · 30/01/2019 08:12

Thank you all, the boob suggestion sounds like a good one!

OP posts:
Nellabella · 30/01/2019 09:12

It's weird, I'm a 14/16 but wouldn't borrow a size 10 top unless it was a cardigan or something open? Odd

BusterGonad · 30/01/2019 09:16

I hate lending people my clothes, I lent a work friend a top one weekend, she then decided to leave the job (over the weekend) and I never saw it again. It was a French Connection favorite! I was gutted.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/01/2019 09:23

Just say no, I don't lend my clothes, as they are personal. Keep saying that. I don't know how she would fit into yiur clothes, it's impossible! Tops would just look awful on her, they would dig into her arms or ride up.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 30/01/2019 09:27

I had this happen - a larger friend borrowed a very expensive dress and returned it missing buttons and stretched. From that moment on I just had a blanket rule that I don’t lend or borrow clothes fill stop. Easier to have a blanket rule, that way doesn’t have to be about any specific person.

PossiblyPFB · 30/01/2019 09:28

I hate this too. Hasn’t happened often but I once had a friend whose feet swelled in pregnancy quite badly and she was really limited in footwear, and she didn’t want to invest in larger shoes for what was hopefully a short time.

As I wear a larger size she asked to borrow a pair of sling back open toe wedges she admired for a special occasion, and I let her as felt bad for her predicament...lengthwise they were probably fine but they came back stretched much wider, and I was never able to wear them again as I have really narrow feet and they wouldn’t stay on anymore. They were not cheap shoes! Just say no or expect more stuff could get ruined.

livefornaps · 30/01/2019 09:29

She sounds pretty silly as a size 16 to be borrowing size 6 clothes, outsize or not.

The two of you must look completely different!!!

She sounds a bit delusional. I am a 10 and I don't even borrow my friend's size 8 stuff as I wouldn't want to stretch it! She must know, really.

Trd · 30/01/2019 09:42

It is odd to be borrowing clothes as an adult. I can understand evening dresses and the like but everyday clothes, no.

I would not bother mentioning her boobs or anything else but just state that you are no longer lending clothes. She must know they don't fit, she must know she has stretched them and yet still she asks. She would benefit from having some boundaries set for her. If you make it about her boobs or whatever she will come up with a counter argument and try to make you look unreasonable.

I don't have an extensive wardrobe, just t shirts and jeans, which means I can't go to meals or the theatre or anything that needs smarter stuff. I would still never dream of asking to borrow anything!

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/01/2019 09:44

By the way my niece is 13. I would not share clothes myself - just say no!

DarlingNikita · 30/01/2019 09:47

There's a massive difference between size 6-8 and 16. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask to borrow clothes from someone I had that much of a gap with.

Tell her you're not lending 'people' (so it doesn't sound like just her) clothes any more unless you're the same size.

QuimReaper · 30/01/2019 09:51

she cant be unaware she is a different size. could this be deliberate?

You'd be surprised. I've been in exactly OP's position. My flatmate was always asking to "raid my wardrobe" which baffled me as I was a size 6 at the time and she was about three inches shorter than me and probably a 14. She wasn't 'delusional' in the least, except in the opposite direction - she had huge hang-ups about her weight and thought she was enormous (which she wasn't), so I never understood it at all. I sometimes wondered whether it was that if she could get into something labelled "XS" or "6" it would give her a psychological boost, however it looked. (She never left the house looking awful, just that I wondered whether how something looked was secondary to the label size.)

In the event my friend didn't stretch out any of my clothes, mainly because she seldom actually wore them out. My objection was that she just used to take armfuls of things into her room and have epic trying-on sessions before a night out (with her own clothes and another flatmates as well as mine, and messing with her hair and makeup as well as clothes) getting more and more wound up about her appearance, descending in a sort of self-loathing orgy. She often wanted me and another flatmate to sit with her while she did it, or would keep coming out of her room to consult us, and it was awful. Whenever she asked to "raid my wardrobe" I felt this sinking feeling knowing what was coming.

(Then she used to leave my clothes and things all over her swamp of a bedroom floor and never once voluntarily returned them, which to be fair was the thing that really annoyed me Grin ).