AIBU to not let my 11 year old have Whatsapp?

[thehorseandhisboy]

I've always been of the 'I'm not going to break age limit guidelines' frame of mind, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to have to crack re Whatsapp. DD is in Y7, has only had a phone since the summer and can only call and text. She has no unsupervised online access.

A sporting activity that my child does outside school uses Whatsapp to communicate, as a register etc. She is the only one not on Whatsapp, so doesn't want to go to the activity as she feels left out. I get this and as the teachers are in the group, I sort of think it would be okay to let her have it.

Which would open the door to wanting to be in other groups etc.

What - if any - messaging apps to your Y7s use? I'm very mindful of their potential harms, but am wondering whether letting her use them while she's still talking to us is actually the best and safest way forward?

TIA

Well you can't stick to the age requirements for something like WhatsApp surely.. unless you're planning on stopping your 15 year old DD using it

Jesus I’m going to have to get off this thread it’s giving me palpitations. So so so many problems with these social media networks that we spend ages unpicking at school.

Whatever my views on leaders using Whatsapp as a register, to send reminders etc, that's what the set up is at the moment.

My dilemma is that my dd wants to do this activity, but doesn't want to be the one left out. I did suggest that the leaders use my number, which they have, but she refused this as if she's old enough to get herself there by herself school, she's old enough to message the people running the group.

If the group was leaders and parents, not children, she wouldn't want to be on it of course. But that's the set up at the moment. I know and like the teachers involved and have a definite 'pick your battles' approach to these situations tbh.

Tbh I think this is a hill worth dying on OP. I would raise it as a safeguarding risk with the leaders of the group (whoever is in charge) and request it’s changed to parents over.

Your DD feels old enough for this but she isn’t and it’s your job to protect her.

My DD (10) doesn't have a phone yet but uses mine for WA.

Like others have said, it's basically free texts.

Yep, leaders and children in a WhatsApp group is a safeguarding nightmare. Tbh what kind of shonky outfit are they running if they think that’s appropriate? It’s absolutely a no no and should be covered in any basic child protection training!

Well if your fear is that she may be bullied or excluded on Whatsapp, I'm afraid, you're setting her up for bullying and exclusion by not being on it.
It's a fairly simple messaging app.

I agree with Jaffa. You have people
In a position of leadership with young people actively needing them to use a service they are underage for? That is hugely inappropriate

I’ve just allowed my DS to have whatsapp but no other social media accounts.

I monitor it and he knows he has to let me check it anytime I ask. He has also drawn up his own list of boundaries including appropriate communication and times of the day it can be used. I did question whether I needed to look into the spyware you can get, which allows parents to access WhatsApp remotely but feel this is excessive and there needs to be an element of trust on both sides. Although if I had any concerns about bullying or inappropriate language / pictures being sent, received and deleted before I could check the phone then I would absolutely do what I needed to do to keep my child safe, and other children.

Also agree that teachers and coaches should not be in children’s WhatsApp groups, that is a safeguarding concern as it blurrs the boundaries of the relationship. A big No No!!

If you do allow your child to use the app just educate them on what is acceptable and appropriate to send and share, as this is all new to them and they may not realise... ie something as simple as sending a group photo without the consent of all the other children in the photo, you may not want the image shared.

It’s like saying you wouldn’t let an 11 year old use the telephone.

I have let my 11 year old have WhatsApp on the condition that I can check it any time.

I don’t quite understand why you aren’t just on the group?

We found these useful when making decisions about which Aps to allow for a 11-12yr old. www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/share-aware/ and www.net-aware.org.uk/#
Yes we allowed WhatsAp but none other at the moment as we find it the easiest to monitor. Huge social pressure in year7 to get instagram which we have said no to at the moment.

I don't see the problem with WhatsApp. Dd doesn't have facebook/insta/anything else. And so far has not had any issues with bullying etc on WhatsApp (she is Y7). The main difference really between this and texting is the group aspect, and she would be really excluded without it, that's for sure!

My 11 had a phone but no insta/WhatsApp ets..... I found mean text messages... Being sent by her! Phone has now been removed for a month and we will try again at 12 (another 5 months away) shes simply not mature enough yet to realise the implications.

I wouldn’t allow it. Especially now they have announced Facebook and Instagram will share that information. It’s not just text, it’s far more than that. Also those that dip in, it’s easy to delete parts of conversations I hope you are monitoring it from a web browser in real time.

It’s like saying you wouldn’t let an 11 year old use the telephone

I wouldn’t allow my 11 year old to chat to her football coach at all hour of the day and night unsupervised by telephone

“I wouldn’t allow my 11 year old to chat to her football coach at all hour of the day and night unsupervised by telephone”

Yes, but you do allow her to use the telephone?

orange you are definitely not alone. Kids are very different behind a keyboard.

And relationships are so delicate and tenuous at this stage that them being on duty all night long with conversations in groups is a huge recipe for disaster. A laughing emoji is a nothing on its own. To a kid who has been laughed at during the day to then come home and have hours of non verbal conversations to negotiate - it’s just too much.

Year 7 is fine for WhatsApp. no problems with Ds1 when he was that age.

Obviously yes but that’s a red herring in this case. ‘Should I allow my DD to get WhatsApp to chat to her friends’ is not the question being asked.

I really don't see the problem with coaches/leaders/instructors being in what's app group with the kids. I think it's important that 11 year olds take more responsibility for their hobbies and what's app is a great way to communicate with reminders and letting everyone know about attendance.

What dd has described is group members letting the rest of the group know if they won't be going to practice, and the leaders sending reminders about matches, not 'chatting all hours of the day and night'. There are two adults in the group, one male and one female if that makes a difference - I have known the woman for about five years as she's been training dd.

The difference between WhatsApp and telephone is that it's possible to be contacted by adults you don't know and other teenagers you don't know. So you can be groomed. Also phone conversations are much easier to be aware of as a parent that myriad what's app chats. WhatsApp is essentially an online service connecting kids to hundreds of potential threats.

Also group chats are far far more likely to lead to bullying and inappropriate conversation than a phone call!!

It is naive to compare whatsapp to a phone

Absolutely, waterrat. It's never crossed my mind to allow it before this issue came up. It's looking likely that dd will be too embarrassed to go if she's not in the Whatspp group. She's shy, and it's taken years to build her confidence, and this would be such a shame.