Teacher comments - worth raising?

[Lanzagrotty]

This evening on the way home from school in the car my younger son said he was sitting next to his teacher at lunch.
He told her that his brother was X and in Year 6. She apparently said ‘yes, everyone knows who X is, and not in a good way!’
Then he says she asked if he was like that at home and my younger son said no.
My older son started really sobbing at this. One of his issues is that he thinks the teachers have it in for him at school. We of course tell him that’s not the case but this will have set him back loads.
He has been in trouble for being rude to teachers in the past. But he has really turned it around this year and his class teacher said he has been ‘excellent’ this term.
Is it reasonable to complain about this? I tried to ring after school but she wasn’t available and now won’t be back until next week.
Totally outing if teacher reads this but half hope she does. My son was devastated!
Plus I’m pretty sure my younger son is telling truth as he’s adamant and I don’t think he’d use those words if they weren’t said to him

Ps the teacher only started this year and has never taught my older son so does sound like staff room gossip

I’d be calling in to speak to the head teacher. That’s horrible. Depends what the school is like though.

That was unprofessional of her to say that. I think I would email in and say how upset you older son was and ask that he is not spoken about in that way again. Teachers may talk between themselves but should not mention this sort of things to pupils.

Very unprofessional, head needs to deal with this.

Don't contact the teacher, this is for the head to deal with so email them.

Teaches talk. Fair enough.

Some children will have a reputation. Not without cause.

Lots of children like your ds will turn it around - brilliant.

Most teachers will judge a child on what they get and see. So they should.

What this teacher did is totally unnecessary, judgemental and unprofessional. I agree with emailing.

Not sure about bypassing her. Wouldn’t it be best to give her chance to explain first? Any teachers with any opinions on this?

Yes I'd raise that. She should not have passed that opinion on. I'd let your ds1's teacher know too - if they are getting on well together she may be able to boost his confidence again.

It may also be worth pointing out very gently to your eldest that changing people's poor opinions of you takes much longer than it takes to get a bad reputation in the first place. He'll be starting secondary soon with a completely clean slate and he can make the most of that if he's careful.

I went through the Grammar School being asked by the Deputy Head Mistress 'What are we going to do about your brother Tilly? It didn't bother me at all, he was a pain!

Tbh there are some kids everyone knows.

Age is relevant here. I think at say 11 knowing that a bad reputation can go before you fair enough. But I also think he needs to be aware he can change and put it right.

Have you been backing up the school when he has been rude etc? For all the staff to know he he has made quite an impression in the wrong way.

I agree it won't do him harm to know gently that behaviour does form lasting impressions and one term of being better behaved doesn't wipe the slate clean.

I quite often got comments like this about a younger sibling, its not a new thing,

He will be one of those kids everyone knows. I’m not denying that. I’ve absolutely despaired with him at times.
He doesn’t get into major trouble but he’s one of those kids that seems to think he’s on same level as teachers and argues back.
It’s odd because he’s only like it at school at home and clubs he’s respectful.
There is a bit of a hostile atmosphere at the school though. Having said that my younger son gets on great...
Bloody minefield.
He’s tried so hard this year though. He’s at the age where he’s started to get how he’s supposed to behave.

And yes we’ve always backed up the school until one serious incident which was handled very badly and my son ended up being completely exonerated - wasn’t even involved in first place.
To be honest him seeing us backing him up on that one has done him the world of good.

So keep encouraging him to behave and def get his teacher to praise him too - it would be awful if he gave up now! And remind him that Sept is a fresh start. He wont be "the naughty one" when he starts at secondary if he's polite and behaves himself.

OP - Yes! Me, for instance!
I would expect a comment which so upset your older son to be brought to the head's attention. The teacher shouldn't be left to feel she got away with having an indiscreet and inappropriate conversation with a pupil. She may be new but she needs to observe common sense boundaries.

That should say except not until!

Surely he should have been aware of how to behave before year 6?

If he has gone through school believing he is at the same level as teachers and answering back im not surprised one has been human and a comment slipped out.

I think if it was my DS I'd say "look, the teacher was careless in what she said and I am sorry it hurt you. I know you're making a real effort. You have to prove her wrong now and show her what a lovely boy you are."

It's worth bearing in mind that teachers are told to praise kids "making an effort" - it's all well and good but it often means the kid gets an inflated sense of themselves, just for doing what they should have been doing anyway.

It's never nice to hear that people "talk behind your back" as it were but it's the truth and I think he's old enough to know that. If he was say 5 it would be different.

OK. Thanks everyone. I feel more confident about raising to now.

My eldest had a naughty patch. He grew out of it too, but to be honest in this instance I might tell your DS that if he wants people to think highly of him he needs to behave. That if he has caused trouble for years, people will remember it. Then remind him he gets a wonderful fresh start when he leaves primary at the end of f6 and not to make the same mistake again.

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of your DS1 having a reputation in the staffroom, talking about him like that to his younger brother (or indeed any child) is completely surely unacceptable?

I'd certainly complain. I'd try and be reasonable and say you understand staff talk, and that your son has been in trouble in the past. However I'd emphasise the effect this has on your son and his feeling that staff pre-judge him.

Tbh I don't think there was any malicious intent.

It's easy to forget that rude, argumentative kids have a sensitive side. OK, a lot of the time it stems from low self esteem but still, it's annoying as fuck and doesn't endear you to that kid.

A lot of the time kids enjoy the notoriety. I've said similar, and it's always been meant as a joke, like when the detention list comes round "could Jack H, William T, James M see the HT" - say "well that'll be a service to the school award then" - giggling kids and the three troublemakers laughing too. No biggie.

BigBang yes he should - he gets it outside of school but nothing we said seemed to make a difference. I think his excellent teacher this year has! But what are you going to do? We’ve been on and on at him but it just seemed to make things worse.
I’m just really hoping he’s turned a corner.

Tbf Aftfully that’s quite a different situation - my son definitely want giggling

Wasn’t