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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm surrounded by CFs...

78 replies

rnccea · 29/01/2019 16:36

This maybe long sorry..
I have a 'friend' I met through my DD I have somehow landed my myself in a position where I am picking her DD 3 times a week from school, at first I didn't mind so much as I thought she was busy and she said she will return the favour. This has only been returned once. She practically invited her dd and younger ds for tea at mine a few weeks ago. I am such a walkover that I went along with it. Today 'friend' put me on the spot by coming to my house and asking if I could pick up her DD again as she urgently had to deliver something... Me being an idiot agreed. While at the school gates another mom approached me asked if I was picking up friends DD I said yes and she replied that 'friend' was sat at her house looking after her toddler and baby so she could do school run and keep the kids dry. I feel so pissed off and used that she lied to me and my toddler got soaking wet to.

Instead of taking her dd to mine as planned I took her back to 'friends' house which wasn't the plan as she was meant to be collected from mine. At her house her DM was sat there nice and dry with the you get DS.

I am a mug. DH says just say no but I seem to be incapable of doing so. This isn't the only 'friend' that I feel it's very one sided I think I must attract them! I somehow ended up looking after someone's child while they were at work for 6months. Another where I looked after her kids while her and her dh went for a meal. They came back at 1am..

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/01/2019 16:56

I can't work out why the mum who came over to you in the schoolyard didn't collect all of the children if the mother of the one you were asked to collect was staying dry in her house too?

You do need to value your own time @rnccea. It's a good life lesson to be able to pass along to your children that they can value their own time and don't have to be at the beck and call of CF's in whatever guise they take.

The others have suggested that if you don't want to say "No" to this woman, you can couch it in nicer terms "I can't today, sorry", or "Oh, I've been meaning to talk to you about that - I can't commit to collecting X after school so you need to find an alternative arrangement" and just keep repeating that you can't and they need to find an alternative solution to their own childminding issues.

Best of luck as if you're not usually one to refuse to help, it can be scary to start saying no but your time is valuable too and you need to see that and stop other people stealing your time from you!

ZenNudist · 29/01/2019 16:57

Another thread like this? Ok you are right say no.

Hi CF no i can't pick her up tomorrow or at all for the time being. Can you get (my Dd) instead. Your turn!

DobbinsVeil · 29/01/2019 16:58

It's all very odd. What was the grandmother's reaction when you dropped the girl there?

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2019 16:58

I can't work out why the mum who came over to you in the schoolyard didn't collect all of the children if the mother of the one you were asked to collect was staying dry in her house too

This. It makes no sense.

Missingstreetlife · 29/01/2019 16:59

Read Anne Dixon, a woman in your own right
Just, say, no

Beeziekn33ze · 29/01/2019 16:59

OP That's right - you can't do it any more 💐

DontCallMeCharlotte · 29/01/2019 16:59

Am I being thick here? Why didn't the other mum take your "friend's" child back to her house?

I'm not sure who is annoying me the most at the moment: the CF mums or the Can't Say No mums. Seem to be an awful lot of them about at the moment. Perhaps there should be a stricky thread with "Suggested Ways of Saying No to CF Mums".

DontCallMeCharlotte · 29/01/2019 16:59

*sticky

Original poster
rnccea · 29/01/2019 17:00

Mickeyminnie

Friend was at the school mum's house not hers, original plan was for me to have her dd at mine but I went to friends house as she lives with her DM so thought of are if she was home. Which she was.so I left her DD with her nan of that makes sense? I didn't have even have a chance to reply to the other mum telling me as she ran off as soon as she told me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/01/2019 17:01

It's very odd.

So this woman had one kid at her own house.
Detoured to the ops house asked her to pick her kid up
Then went and sat at the other mums house whilst she collected her own kids
Then was going to go back to the ops house to collect her kid
Then go home.

Who would do that?

StealthPolarBear · 29/01/2019 17:01

I don't think the gran was there at all. When the op says "DM" she means cf mum I think

Whatsnewpussyhat · 29/01/2019 17:01

Why the fuck didn't the other mum pick up cheeky fucker's kid then? Makes no sense at all.

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 29/01/2019 17:02

Don't beat yourself up, you are nice and realised you are being used. She is not your friend, friends don't take advantage constantly. Think how you would feel if people did that to your daughter when she is older, you would be telling her to stand up to piss takers so take that and be an example of the woman you hope she becomes. You can be kind without being a doormat Flowers

StealthPolarBear · 29/01/2019 17:02

Lack of room/car seats

Tinkobell · 29/01/2019 17:02

Her message to you OP is not a genuine enquiry of concern......she's testing the bloody water, to see how much of a mug you are, if she's got away with it and can she do it again?!
Send a reply; yeah no probs, happy to help....anytime you need me, got a bit wet but hey ho! Should I come and clean your house later and do your ironing too?! !! Or say.....fine thanks but no more favours from me. See yah about!

StealthPolarBear · 29/01/2019 17:02

Maybe, I'm not her :)

daffodillament · 29/01/2019 17:02

This is freaking bonkers.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 17:02

Sounds like you enjoy being a doormat. So, as long as you won't ever grow a spine and learn to say no, enjoy being mugged off. What else do you want people to say? Your h has already told you that you're being a doormat but you seem fine with that so crack on.

Pringlemunchers · 29/01/2019 17:03

I don't meant to sound harsh. But you bring it on yourself. The reason why you are the one picking up her kids and no one else is, they have said no already! Set the bar for how you want to be treated, don't complain after .

Guineapiglet345 · 29/01/2019 17:03

Next time when she (or any other CF) asks you something, pause, pretend you didn’t quite hear what they said. This will give you time to say no if yes is your automatic answer. Say no with a big smile and then if they push you say something vague like oh I’ve got that thing to do, anyway.....

CoraPirbright · 29/01/2019 17:03

You say you are not a push over in other areas of your life? Could you have a look at those areas and work out how you do it there in order to bring those skills to bear in this situation? Also perhaps you could practice a sort of role play thing with your dh saying no in a variety of ways that you feel comfortable with?

Also there is a book that I haven’t read but seems to be mentioned a lot on these sorts of threads which is apparently v good - something like the life altering magic of not giving a fuck? I am sure someone will be along to recommend in a mo who has actually read it!!

Bluntness100 · 29/01/2019 17:05

Op, can you try to explain it. Because as it stands this is a highly unlikely scenario.

TowelNumber42 · 29/01/2019 17:06

Role play with your DH playing the CFs until you can successfully say no.

Given you are a people pleaser perhaps remember that your children are watching and learning.

Tougher in other areas of life? Imagine people you respect in those other areas standing watching you as you have an encounter with a CF.

Is it just other mothers you let take advantage of you?

StealthPolarBear · 29/01/2019 17:08

My suggestion. Friend a asked op to pick her dc up. She then went round to friend B to babysit her younger children while friend B picked up her own children, in a manner (too small car?) to also pick up As children. Instead of going to a's as planned, op went to friend B house and found a there.
Clear as mud?

Original poster
rnccea · 29/01/2019 17:09

Stealth is right of gran- friends mum.

And bluntness that's exactly what she has done.
Thank you for the nice replies. I'm going to text friend in a bit and call her out on the lie as well as saying I can no longer collect her DD.

OP posts:
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