Re my sister and her dd?

[amibeingacunexttuesday]

My sister lives a very short 10 minute walk from me and visits multiple times per week, I also occasionally babysit for her, but recently I'm starting to get really fed up of how she parents her 18 month old dd. For example her dd will rifle through all my kitchen cupboards and take everything out and throw it all over the floor, she will pull all the toys out of the toy box and leave a massive mess that my sister just walks away and leaves, she throws food all over the floor that my sister doesn't clean up, she changes her dirty nappies on my sofa, recently dn pulled all my photo frames off my stand and wasn't told off, my sister just seems to laugh at her, dn will also snatch mobile phones and drinks out of your hand and throw them and I can't use my laptop when she's around as she constantly tries to pull the screen back . I know this is normal toddler behaviour but it's my sisters reaction to it that is getting to me, she just doesn't care. Dsis and neice come round for dinner a couple of times a week and my sister will let her watch tv programmes on her phone at full blast at the dinner table, we went out for a birthday meal the other day and she was allowing her to listen to baby shark at full volume at the table and I was mortified. Am I being really intolerant? I feel awful as I'm starting to dread them coming round as I have to spend half an hour cleaning up every time after they've gone 😞

She's bloody 18 months old, not 3. It's not your DN's fault at all but your DS should be telling her no and moving her away.

I know this is normal toddler behaviour but it's my sisters reaction to it that is getting to me, she just doesn't care.

I think it’s obvious the OP isn’t blaming her niece. See above.

Yanbu OP, your sister should have the decency to tidy up after her daughter. However, to make life easier I would either a) shut the kitchen door and keep it out of bounds or b) fit child locks.

It’s hard to have a grown up conversation with a toddler around. If you take a couple of steps to make it easier, and tell your sister to help tidy up before she leaves, then it should improve!

I just have to stand back and watch as she's not my child and dsis definitely wouldn't take kindly to me intervening. I know she's only little but 18 months old can understand the word no, don't do that!

I had a friend who was like this, years ago, and it did damage rhe friendship as I simply couldn't understand it. Her kid would chuck his crisps on the floor then stamp them into the carpet, Chuck everything on the floor, and she just sat their laughing and did nothing to clean it up. She would then leave and leave the destruction behind. I found it really disrespectful and with my own child, I'd say no, and clean it up, I would never have let her throw her drinks and food around in someone else's house and laugh about it and leave them to clean it

I don't think there is much you can do. And I don't find your reaction intolerant, I felt the same.

Why are you letting your Dn away with it? As soon as she goes to a press lift her away. Tell her no. Maybe if your sister sees you doing this she will cop on and realise it's not acceptable to let her child rummage around in someone else's home. If your sister doesn't step in then you have every right to do it in your home. You don't need to be a disciplinarian but you can lift her gently and hand her a toy to distract her. As for the phone, just tell your sister to turn it down or do it yourself. Your sister either hasn't an ounce of cop on, or doesn't give a fuck. Either way you don't have to put up with it, especially in your home.

You absolutely don’t have to stand back! You can set the rules in your house. If your sister has a problem she can stop using your house like a messy play pit stop!

It might not be your child but it’s your fucking house. Intervene away.

Of course you can intervene if your sister doesn't like it then tough really. Just think of it as you taking an active role in encouraging good behaviour in your DN. If your sister objects, just explain you don't want your house wrecked.

Your sister sounds like a pretty poor excuse for a parent and I can't imagine her getting any better as your niece gets older. I wouldn't invite them round to your house anymore unless she starts to get her act together.

Is your sister a bit stupid?

Or jealous of you and in some subconscious way wants her daughter to trash your house?

Either way, you need to either say no to more visits or become an awful lot more assertive. Believe in your right to protect your house and belongings. Tell your sister this is not on.

If DN takes out food for example, take her hand, tell your sister you are going to tell dn she isn't allowed to do that, and then tell your dn that very clearly. Call your inner Supernanny .

However, considering that your sister sounds an absolute pain, do you enjoy her company and want her coming round so often? I'd put a stop to it!

i'd cut the visits down a bit and get sis on board with the clearing up.

I dont understand why you cant speak to your sister about it .

I think some of your expectations are too high and most people would keep a laptop out of reach of a toddler, remove picture frames if they grabbed them and keep the kitchen/cupboard doors out of bounds. This would surely solve some of the problems without any confrontation. You can also have ground rules for your home which you make clear to your sister then enforce if your sister won't. eg. no screens at the table and no going in certain cupboards or playing with things that could get broken. I do think expecting dniece to understand no and always follow what the adult says is a bit unreasonable but dsis should clearly do more.

I discipline my own nephew when he is here. He is family and if it's my rule he has broken i deal with it. I think you are being a bit soft not saying anything to your sister or niece at the time.

I don't have DC, but no visiting children would get away with that in my house.

My house, my rules! I would have no qualms about telling your DN off and saying "no, we don't do that in this house". If she goes off crying to your DSis, then so be it. She'll soon learn!

If your DSis says anything then just rinse and repeat "sorry if I've upset her, but I'm not allowing that behaviour in my house". And hand her a dustpan and brush every time there's something to clean up. She'll soon learn too.

I think there are some quick wins that can be had.

Firstly if you have an active 18mo visiting then you need to child-proof your home, at least for the visits. Photos and ornaments have to be put up out of reach as they'll be interesting to little hands. Get some child locks for cupboards, or invest in some baby gates to keep DN contained to a particular room (or get second hand/freecycle). Get a cheap changing mat and as soon as you see DS about to change the nappy, hand it to her and say "here, can you use this please".

For things like toy and food mess, you're going to have to bite the bullet and say to your DS "I do hope you're going to help me clear all this up" in a way she realises you're not joking and are serious.

If it's something you're holding that DN tries to grab, then hoist it out of her way and/or say a firm no. Tough luck if DS doesn't like you doing that. It's one thing getting toys out of a box, but throwing valuable things like phones is a no-no.

It always surprises me when I read a post where the OP says "I don't want to upset XX", but they're allowing themself to get upset in the process. Say something OP, otherwise your DS may just not realise how it's affecting you.

Well, you have two choices don't you?

A - intervene and deal with the bad behaviour. Tell her no. Move her away. Repeatedly if necessary.

B - do nothing, grin and bear it.

You appear to hope that your sister will suddenly have a revelation that her parenting is crap. Not going to happen.

Tell your sister your home isn’t toddler proofed which isn’t safe for your DN so you’ll go to her or walk to the park together.

Errr, My House, My Rules...

As long as you want to keep babysitting it is easier to childproof a room for an 18mo and limit her to that room. 18mos are likely to think that touching things they shouldn’t and being told off is a fun game to be repeated.

And just ask your DSis to turn the volume down when DN is watching videos.

I hope she uses a towell when she changes dn on the sofa.

I used to have this issue with my sister and my nephew.

Initially I stood back and got really frustrated until the day when she stood back and happily watched him smear jam all over my furniture.

These days in my house my rules apply. I wait a beat or two for the child’s parent to intervene but if they don’t I step in, and that occasionally means lifting them away from something and handing the child to their parent saying “that’s not acceptable here”. I’ll happily reprimand someone else’s child if they won’t do it.

No one has ever challenged me on it.

I think I'm going to have to say something as I can feel the resentment building up and I can see us falling out big time. Dsis just doesn't seem to have any awareness that other people don't find certain things cute that she thinks are cute and everybody else's life doesn't revolve around her child. I don't want to listen to bloody mr tumble when I am trying to eat my dinner!

She also leaves a massive mess under the table in restaraunts and I grit my teeth and end up crawling on the floor and picking the mess up myself as I'm so embarrassed.

I would intervene, especially in my own home and at a restaurant (can't stand people, children or adults, who listen to their phones with the volume on).

It sounds to me that she's bailed on actually parenting her child.

Yes, it's not normal behaviour. I would tell your dsis to do something or not have them round.

You are her aunt