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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to fill your life with no friends?

70 replies

Grubsmummy · 29/01/2019 10:23

Hi there, this isnt really an aibu so plz delete if needs be, I'm just looking for advice and a chat.

Im 34, a sahm of 2 school children. We don't have a lot of spare cash and i cant work for various reasons. We have a nice comfortable life though.

My problem is that I don't have friends anymore. I used to have school friends who I no longer see. Then I had work colleagues who were aquaintencies, so I don't see them anymore. I have school mum "friends" who I chat to at school and on social media and I'm happy with that because Im not really a friend person. I'm not looking to make friends.
But.... My days can get awfully lonely. Each day is like groundhog day. I clean the house, maybe go to the supermarket, and walk the dog. That's my entire existence.

What can I do to fill my life and give it more meaning than it has now? I'm just a mum and wife and noone else really knows I exist! I don't have any hobbies as I'm not talented in anything such as crafts, painting. I don't do sports. I can't pay to do things so I'm out of ideas. Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
semideponent · 29/01/2019 11:43

There seem to be three basic elements in your post, OP:

I'm not really a friend person. I'm not looking to make friends.

But.... My days can get awfully lonely. Each day is like groundhog day.

What can I do to fill my life and give it more meaning than it has now?

Have you ever thought about joining the Samaritans? I went to an information evening last night. I wonder if it would suit you? A real cross-section of people there, a sense of connection with (most) callers, something meaningful...

From what I heard, there are lots of misconceptions e.g. that you are always dealing with very distressing situations and calls. Actually, it sounds like there is training, flexibility, support and that most volunteers find it meaningful thing to do.

redexpat · 29/01/2019 11:46

Structured activity like sports classes or volunteering.

DandilionBreak · 29/01/2019 11:47

@dontknowwhattodo80 Armchair tourism is so much fun. We can't afford the real thing so I do it virtually. I'm sad enough to go onto places mentioned in the news, on documentaries on tv. I've explored everest from space, me.

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 29/01/2019 11:57

Thanks for your replies. I forgot to say the things I'd like to fill my days with are activities that id like to do alone. I don't really need or want to socialise, just things to fill my day and stimulate my mind

OP posts:
DandilionBreak · 29/01/2019 12:08

What do you like to do, then? Where do your interests lie? It sounds like you need to find a passion, something you're interested in, and find a way to explore that. There's no lack of resources (free), but only you can find the particular niche that you throw yourself into. Seriously, it can only come from you and perhaps your first choice will turn out to be a dud. You thought you'd want to know more about the evolution of rap music but in reality, you're bored out of your mind? Fine, choose something else. What do you read, watch, dream about? There's your starting points. You don't need a structured course to study something, just the internet, a library, your own curiosity and a bit of time.

GB54 · 29/01/2019 12:44

What about visiting the library? I like to sit in there to read rather than being at home.

CarolDanvers · 29/01/2019 12:49

I got a dog. He's brilliant company and got me talking to loads of other dog owners on daily walks. I wouldn't be without him now. My parents made loads of friends via walking their dog too, they all go out for meals together now.

pinkdelight · 29/01/2019 13:00

I don't understand how the insistence on doing things alone and actively not wanting friends reconciles with this -

"I'm just a mum and wife and noone else really knows I exist!"

If you want meaning to come from beyond yourself, you have to connect with the rest of the human race in some way, shape or form. You don't in any sense have to change who you are to become super sociable, but there is a sense that you're not happy being so alone and might benefit from human contact at some level. To feel any sense of achievement, we tend to have to stretch our comfort zone at least a little.

pinkdelight · 29/01/2019 13:00

(over-use of the word sense there for some reason!)

Coffeepot72 · 29/01/2019 13:11

OP, are you absolutely sure you don't want to meet some friends?

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/01/2019 13:17

I don't really need or want to socialise, just things to fill my day and stimulate my mind but you say in your OP "my days can get awfully lonely"?

If you're after stimulating your mind, learning is the way to go. You don't need to have an overwhelming interest in something, just enough interest to get you started - in my experience everything becomes more interesting the more you know about it.

There are on-line courses you can do, many of them free - I forget the acronym, something like MOO...someone will know better. Alternatively research the history of the area around your house - you can see old maps on-line or at a library or county archives. Research your own family history. Teach yourself a language - lots of on-line stuff. Get really stuck into the Wars of the Roses - read popular history books, then the really light stuff like historical novels to put some flesh on the people and make them easier to remember. Learn to identify wild flowers and do a vegetation survey of your local greenspace. Get involved in the BTO's weekly garden bird watch. Take anything your children are doing at school, and delve into it a lot deeper.

All of these can be done alone, but can be used to make links with other people too.

Stopwoofing · 29/01/2019 13:21

What do you enjoy doing? Surely you have solo hobbies, are you looking for us to suggest you take up quilting, sewing, knitting, making your own yogurt/pickles/cheese, historical research, learning a language?

Dd and I have been meaning to learn a language together for ages...

formerbabe · 29/01/2019 13:25

Exercise classes are good...you're around other people so don't feel lonely but not actively socialising if you see what I mean!

babysharkah · 29/01/2019 13:27

Why can't you work - is it health? Could you cope in a volunteering capacity?

Graffitiqueen · 29/01/2019 13:28

I've made loads of friends through volunteering.

ilovemylurcher · 29/01/2019 13:29

Listen to radio 4 or 5.
Love them both

PoppingBubbles · 29/01/2019 13:30

OP I could have written your post. I feel the same way, except deep down I do want to make friends. I'm working on it.

I've bitten the bullet, and now am talking to everyone I can during the school run, at the park etc. I also try and make sure I offer to meet up again if I get on with someone. It's hard, I just try not to overthink any of it.

Its making a tiny difference, bit by bit.

PoppingBubbles · 29/01/2019 13:32

Also loved the ideas from @Dandilion

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/01/2019 13:32

Have you thought about joining the WI? It's not just for older people, and could introduce you to new people and new interests/hobbies, without the need to have a strong interest/hobby to start with.

FoulMouthedMotherFigure · 29/01/2019 13:32

Hi, OP - I couldn't help but notice how well you expressed yourself in your opening post, and how succinctly and descriptively you laid out your circumstances.

You've given us a list of things you can't do especially well, or can't afford to pursue, but I think you may have overlooked how well you can write. Have you considered taking up creative writing?

It needn't cost you anything, as there are plenty of free courses (MOOCs, OpenLearn, etc) available online, and once you start you'll be amazed at what it'll lead on into and what vast new horizons will suddenly open up before you. At one point I found myself researching the working conditions of bailiffs and Ann Summers reps, to give some convincing background and depth to a couple of minor characters!

WonderTweek · 29/01/2019 13:33

You sound a bit like me OP. I don't want to socialise and I love pottering about doing my own thing. I don't get much spare time now that I have a toddler but when I do I like to listen to music, learn to play an instrument, do yoga (with Adriene on YouTube), lift weights in the garage, read, go out for walks, go charity shopping, feed ducks, go for a coffee etc. I'm currently on YouTube learning to cut my own hair. Grin I think the main things for me would be some form of exercise every day and a bit of chill time, like having a coffee whilst listening to music or a podcast. I'm such a hermit. Halo

DarlingNikita · 29/01/2019 13:46

I'd echo others and say volunteer. You could presumably find something to do that's quite solitary. How about dog-walking for people who can't get out and about much? You (presumably) need to chat to them a bit when you pick up and drop off, but otherwise it'd just be you and the dog. Try somewhere like Borrow My Doggy.

OrdinarySnowflake · 29/01/2019 13:48

If you fill your time with alone time, that's not going to fix the problem of you being lonely.

If when you say lonely, you mean bored, then look at studying, projects etc - you could take up a hobby like knitting or learning a 2nd language etc.

If you do mean lonely, then volunteering might be good for you, most charity shops need people who'll be in the back rooms doing sorting and pricing etc if you don't want to deal with the public. You will probably have other people volunteering so you won't be alone and they'll fit round what you can do for timings/school holidays etc.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 29/01/2019 13:55

Another vote for volunteering - and it doesn't have to be a traditional 'good works' type of volunteering where you man the tea urn and make small talk whilst counting out custard creams. There are a lot of heritage organisations & small groups who rely on volunteers to do things like guided tours or surveying sites. You usually get a fairly comprehensive training round, and learn a lot about whatever it is you're signing up for. My aunt's a volunteer room guide for the National Trust and she's learnt TONS about the building/history of where she does her shifts.She doesn't have to be sociable as such, just smiley and polite to visitors. I volunteer for about 5 different groups/organisations and some of it I do in person, other bits I can do from my laptop at home. I've made some of my best friends as a result too - because we had a shared interest.

Whereabouts in the UK are you?

SewingBeesDontSting · 29/01/2019 13:59

The grandparents I know who live vicariously through their children seem very sad to me.
My Aunty was like that and she used to get very resentful if her adult children didn't visit/ring her very regularly, I assume because she had no other friends or company. When my mum died, Aunty confided to me that she was always envious of my mum going out to work and having a wide circle of friends. Mum was always envious of Aunty being able to afford not to go to work and pleasing herself what to do each day.

Don't look back regretting what you've not done, regret only what you didn't have time to do. There's so many activities you can get involved with if you make a bit of effort.