Family expectations too high

[Whatwouldwebewithoutfamily]

I had a rough few weeks arguing with my siblings and my parents over Christmas as I refused to go to visit.
It is a very expensive trip for me and family and we are usually treated to icy accommodations, no hot water and my siblings expect me to take over with looking after very elderly parents while my own family (2 DCs teenagers and DH) sit around in the freezing cold (they can wear extra layers apparently) doing nothing as where my family lives there’s virtually nothing to do in the winter. We have done this in the past but now teenagers kids and DH refuse to come! I also work full time and can’t take much time off around holidays.
Siblings say it’s not their problem and that they look after elderly parents all year and they should relieved during some of the holidays. I can’t go on my own and leave my own family at Christmas... plus I don’t really want to go honestly.

Backstory is that I left home young as I didn’t get on with any of them apart from one sibling and my mum who tried to understand me but disagreed with me and I was told I was a rebel and would never amount to anything good.

With maturity I realise that I am very different from all of them, I am one of those annoying people who are always happy and trying to see good in everything ... I used to feel ashamed of being so cringe but I have come to accept and appreciate the way i am now but they are all the total opposite. Everything is doom and gloom... all is bad and there’s no solution. They are all sick or talking about what sickness they might have. Or how likely is they might lose job and have no way to support themselves.
In reality they all have good homes, good kids and easy jobs. It’s just the constant worry that is always hanging over them.
On the other hand I have much less than them but I am grateful for my work , my health and my family. So when I see them I feel constantly drained. Like I am the lucky one and they are unlucky.
As I live away they imagine I have a splendid life with no problems!
So their attitude to me is that I am selfish and they highly disapprove of me not going. However I have never been able to ask them for help as I know they are too far away and If I ever try to talk about my own problems they are brushed under the carpet with a smirk and saying aren’t you the happy one.... so I never expect them to do something for me. I don’t even expect moral support or a good word saying poor you. Whereas they would just spend hours on the phone talking for hours about what’s wrong with their lives and I have to show sorrow and concerns. And be careful about the words I use as if I try to cheer them up it then becomes “ here we go again! You never grow up you always believe in fairies!”

I know I could just go no contact but I love them and also feel lonely that I don’t have that family relationship that so many have around me. My kids would love to have cousins over and go and see uncles. But we pretty much avoid each other.

Not sure why I am writing this...probably just a rant as in RL nobody would understand or know my struggle and how much it affects me.

I get why you don't want to go and in relation to holidays its totally fair. Even at 5 I don't make my daughter see people she doesn't want to out of the sake of doing it as it only makes it work.

I do think you could try and visit to help with your parents. They are your aren't a as well as your siblings and offering a little support would go a long way in making the reception less icy.

Are you helping in any way with your parent's care? If not it's a bit rich to expect us to badmouth your siblings if they are doing all the work.

That "moaning" may be a hint to get you to step up.

Reality check: you do not have the close loving family you dream of. So, given that, do you want to have contact with the family you actually have. Your DH and children don't.

Is it your parent's house that is freezing with no hot water? That's not a good way for frail elderly people to be living. What's the story there?

Who normally takes care of them? How? What respite do they want? What could you offer? Visiting isn't the only respite option.

Family is hard. Families where your life is very different from everyone else's are hard. Families where the parents are getting elderly and need are are hard.

But from what you write, OP, it sounds as though you aren't interested in doing anything to support your family, and don't anticipate ever needing any support from them. It sounds like you think you are better than the rest of your family and don't need to bother with them. It sounds like you resent the fact that they tell you they need your help sometimes.

Maybe you don't feel like that but if that's how it sounds here, that's probably how it sounds to your siblings.

Quite frankly, if they had posted explaining that they do all the care for your elderly parents and their younger sibling couldn't even be bothered to come and visit over Christmas, and when she did come, were they being unreasonable to expect that she would help with the parents, and not spend all the time complaining that it was cold and boring, I would think everyone would be on their side.

I think you are being unreasonable and that you need to start pulling your weight a bit more in your family. At the moment what you are teaching your children by example is that the only thing that matters is doing what you want.

I think you need to look at the situation honestly - you're lonely because they make you feel that way. Even when you're with them, you're not really 'with' them.

Don't visit, don't feel guilty. I know it's easier said then done. It's time for you to embrace the distance from them.

I think it's very rich to be moaning about them when you have left all your parents care to them and won't even give them some respite during the holidays. You could leave your husband and children at home if they don't want to go.

I am one of those annoying people who are always happy and trying to see good in everything ...

Yet here you are moaning about people that spend their lives caring for your parents

You sound as though you're living in your own little happy world, meanwhile your siblings are saddled with your elderly parents. Nice.

The cost you would save in bringing your kids and dh with you could go towards a hotel or b&b for you to stay in while you visit them alone. Your kids are teenagers so surely can manage without you for a few days while your Dh is with them. I can understand your siblings frustration with being left to care for elderly parents while you don't have to. There are other ways you could help if you feel you want to - perhaps pay towards a regular cleaner or carer to help with your parents. If you feel no obligation to help out with your parents then just say so and then your siblings won't have any expectations at all.

Caring for elderly parents is emotionally and physically exhausting. Lucky you to have siblings to do it for you.

Agree with Bridget that it’s not really setting a good example for your children. How would you like them to treat you when you get old and they have teens who are bored by you?

But maybe if the cold is a problem then offer to visit at another time and help out?

Parents have full time carers. I visit as often as I can but on my own and on the dates I can.
I left 15 years ago, parents only needing help for the last 3 years. Parents have carers ( paid by parents thanks to their savings) and only need help in the holidays. I go more often ever since they are sick and call many times a week as I know that it’s emotionally draining for all.

My kids are much younger then my nephews and nieces and the rest of the family all live in walking distance from parents. So my siblings can pop in without partners / kids for an hour or so a day.

Parents also have a cleaner and the room they live in is very warm and well kept and has been transformed into a 1 bed flat.
No b&b in close distance so we can use my old bedroom which is in the old part of the house where there’s no heating or hot water. Electric Heaters create problems.
2 of My siblings live across the road in flats given to them by my parents. They have all always received gifts by my parents as far as I can remember. I always refuse anything because I feel guilty being far away.

I go every year and we always spend a cold /icy Christmas.
Probably it is true that I am not doing enough and they resent me for that and I am trying to justify myself to myself but I do feel like I don’t have more energy left to do more than I am already doing with looking after my family with a full time job. Can’t afford unpaid leave and can’t take kids out of school. They don’t want to go at Christmas. Feeling in a dead end at the moment and relationship is more strained than ever

Can you have your parents to stay with you for a couple of weeks to give your siblings a break. I understand about Christmas but they are your parents so you should be helping too

Have you thought about maybe staying a little further afield?
You get the comforts and heating.. kids and husband get the distance from the dreaded in laws and you get the chance to see your frail parents and siblings on your terms.

YABU. Your kids are teenagers not babies. You could have visited for a couple of days over the Christmas holidays and left your family at home. Plenty of people work full time and manage caring responsibilities too. But you couldn’t be arsed this year because they are “too doom and gloom”.

You remind me of my brother who is far too busy “working full time” to visit our dad just a few times a year but seems to have lots of free time to do everything else he wants. No doubt he thinks because I am local I can just “pop in for an hour or so every day” well no I can’t because I am either working myself or looking after my own children neither of whom are at school yet.

Step up.

Thank you all for advice. It snows heavily where they live so getting something far afield would be impossible in the winter. Too risky to drive at night if you are not from there.
Parents too sick to travel and they never did even when they were well as they like they own comforts.

Cadbury
They want me there on Christmas Day and Boxing Day or New Years Eve when carers are off work. They don’t want me there just popping in to see them. Teenagers are not babies but still spend those days with us. Siblings can still have Christmas lunch at home while parents nap and pop in to see parents in the afternoon as they live across the road.

You should go new year on your own. My kids are 7 upwards and would deal with me being away. Dad would make sure they had fun - even have his family over. Then you can spend a couple of uninterrupted days with them.

How far away do they live?

They live a 5 hours flight away. So not easy to just pop in. New Year’s Eve flights very expensive expecially coming back just before school stats on 2nd of January. Think 1000£ for 1 person that time of year

If you don’t want to go you don’t have to, from what you’ve described it sounds really miserable, if they want you to go and care for them then they have to make it at least welcoming for you and your family and being warm enough and having access to hot water really is the bare minimum you could expect.

Wow that's a lot. But is it still cheaper than whole family flying out for Christmas? If so then worth it.

Ok so it's not like hopping on a ryanair flight from ireland - that in itself makes a big difference to your predicament. They can't expect that you can afford to come home every year so. And the fact that it's only on carers holidays that the family need to help out also makes a difference. Surely if it's only the odd couple of days here and there the other siblings can manage it between them. Do the carers cover weekends? If not I suppose that is a bit of a nuisance for siblings but I'm sure there are carers who do cover weekends. The alternative of course is to suggest they both go into a nursing home. Would that be an option?

Really good words here and a kick up the arse always helps... for this past Christmas it is now done and dusted so can’t do much about it.
I will plan my summer holidays now to be there for a big chunk of time and will spend a week with my own little family in a nearby touristic town in a rented flat and then they will come back home and I will stay an extra week looking after my parents while my siblings can take a bit of a pause from all of it. I need to do this for them and me because I know deep down that’s more the gesture that counts for my parents than the fact they need a warm body to be there to help on those days

OP, i've been going through a very similar situation since i was 19 (when i moved away) and i'm now 38.
My parents are still active and independent although their health has only started declining the last couple of years.

I was never close to my family growing up, i was the blacksheep that then became the scapegoat.
I'm 'too' different i'm treated like i'm not really one of them.
My help is wanted/expected but i'm not allowed to voice an opinion contrary to theirs and i don't get a 'say' in any family decisions....and they too expect me tolerate what i think is an unreasonable demand, which i no longer can and it's the final nail in the coffin so to speak.
Their 'justification' for this is 'you moved away', literally and metaphorically because 'culture' dictated i should never leave my parents house unless married.

It hurts because there's nothing you can really do - bar a lobotomy and life transplant!
Yet the family tie/duty is still there to a certain extent, for me anyway.

My relationship with them is now low contact and on my terms only.
I visit them on a weekend so exposure is minimal, i don't sleep at theirs and i only get 'involved' in their stuff if it suits me (dn bdays etc).
I'm too far away for dr/hospital apps/errands and i'm not 'allowed' any admin input.
So i've decided what my boundaries are re family duty and i refuse to feel guilty for them.
I refuse to be emotionally blackmailed.
I refuse to accomodate their unreasonable demand.
Their arsey comments are met with blunt home truths.

The longest i stayed with them was a week. dad was seriously ill in hospital, he'd been there a week and it was getting worse.
I used emergency leave to go down - and now i know how they will treat me when it comes to our parents death..
That is helping me navigate my future relationship with them.