When being teary after having a baby becomes not normal

[CustardCreamLover]

I had my baby boy just over a week ago by emergency c section, he was 5 weeks early and we're still in hospital. I've been here for 10 days (was admitted before he was born).
I'm crying a lot. Sometimes because I'm upset and sometimes because I'm happy and sometimes because this is all just so overwhelming.
I rang my husband up in tears last night because I couldn't get our baby to eat anything. He has jaundice and he needs to eat to help get over it and then we can go home. My husband told me that new mothers shouldn't cry as much as I am. He says it's not normal.
I've not been in my own home for 10 days, I've had major surgery, I've got not support most of the time, my ban was early because I didn't have enough amniotic fluid for him and now I can't feed him properly. I feel like I'm failing him and to have my husband say that to me made me feel even worse.

So am I normal or do I have a problem?

Oh for heavens sake, you are completely normal. Your dh is “misinformed”
You’ve been through major surgery, your hormones are fluctuating wildly, you’ve had a cocktail of drugs, you’re going through a hugely emotional time, you are worried about your little one and you are away from home at the time when you most need to feel safe. The only surprise would be if you WEREN”T tearful.
Congratulations . I hope you get home soon.

How many times has your husband been a new mother?

Your husband is wrong. Sounds entirely normal to me. It does get better, I promise.

Here in NJ USA, based on your OP, you would be flagged for PND and a psych evaluation would be ordered.

It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed but for me it was all of a sudden not so overwhelming when a professional spent half an hour with me talking to me about the traumatic experience of childbirth I had just been through. It was very strange that I went from being entirely teary and a blubbering mess to being absolutely ok, just by having someone talk to me for half an hour. It a nurse who flagged me when I was crying for no reason.

That sounds just like me and I didn't even heave a hospital stay , perfectly normal !

My husband bought a tumble drier 3 days after having my baby ( I had wanted one for ages ) and the tears just wouldn't stop 😂

Hi @CustardCreamLover - my LO was born at 35+2 on 19/1 - sounds as if we were very similar... both c section and jaundice too.
I am still very teary at the most random things 🤦🏽‍♀️ like watching SAS who dares wins lol! Don't let anyone tell you that you should or shouldn't be doing a certain thing. Being in hospital is draining as it is let alone having a baby under phototherapy I guess too? Re the feeding have you asked to a tongue tie assessment? Use the support of the hospital with feeding and stay strong minded, you've got this but you're starting the first few days of your babies life definitely not how you planned, out of your normal comfortable environment etc. I struggled to establish feeding with both my LO's but got there in the end. If you're worried do the hospital have a pump you could borrow? That way you could express and give your baby the milk whilst under phototherapy to maximise the process.
Please stay strong, you're doing a better job than you think. Xxxx

I was in the same situation as you having spent 9 days in hospital with my poorly newborn who wouldn't feed. Access as much help as you can and speak to a midwife about how you are feeling. The lack of support overnight with such a young baby was really hard and the whole situation was very intense. I cried a lot to. My only caution is that I really struggled to move on from those first few awful days and have developed PND. Yes it's normal to be teary but it's also nothing to be ashamed of if there may be something else going on for you and I think it's good that your husband has said something.

I'm not surprised you're feeling teary. You've got a wild cocktail of hormones going on, plus the pressure of knowing your son needs feeding which takes a while to get the hang of. On top of all that you've been through major surgery and stuck in hospital for 10 days. I'd say most people would feel the same so be kind to yourself and don't add that to your plate as well.

I suspect he's just worried. He won't know what "normal" is. Maybe suggest things that he can do to support you. Generally, and especially if you're breastfeeding, his role currently is to support you supporting your son. My dh is very good at making sure I'm fed and watered. This was particularly important in the first week when I was still recovering from labour.

I've got a 4 week old, hence being up at this hour. I was all over the place in that first fortnight. I had struggles with breastfeeding and my dd was still losing weight at day 8. It was so stressful. Like you, I felt under so much pressure to provide for her. We persevered with a lot of support and in week 3 it clicked. You'll get there, just be patient and go easy on yourself.

Completely and utterly normal.
You have my sympathies, hormones post birth are awful and you’re dealing with the added pain following a section.

Now your bloody husband, unless he’s actually given birth via a c-section before, is talking absolute bollocks and should be supporting you, not telling you you’re not normal!

If, in a week or so you’re still feeling tearful and overwhelmed have a chat with your health visitor or GP. But please remember this is normal and really early days and there is help and support out there.

Congratulations on your little one

Congratulations
I think your husband is being too hard on you. You are not failing your son, you are under an extreme amount of stress having had major surgery and worrying about your baby. Your hormones are also all over the place and you are likely sleep deprived.
My DS was jaundiced and I also had difficulty feeding him the first couple of weeks. We were back and forth to the hospital and the paediatrician the first two weeks and I would cry at the drop of a hat. I also cried for a couple months after I had him, anything would set me off.

I think your reaction to the situation is completely normal and your husband is being unreasonable. Is there someone who can talk to him (a family member or maybe one of the nurses) about being more supportive?

We persevered with a lot of support and in week 3 it clicked. You'll get there, just be patient and go easy on yourself

No. Not everybody does 'get there'

OP...I was exactly the same. Crying all the time. In hospital for 2 weeks. Nothing seemed to be going right. I had twins and one BF and the other was an absolute battle which thankfully was brought to an end by a lovely midwife who could see how horrendous I was feeling plus the fact my DD was losing weight. She gently suggested a bottle and things started to improve straight away for us. Do whatever you can to ease things. You are not a failure if you do not BF. It's not the be all and end all and it's really shit when new mothers are made to feel like they are somehow failing if they do not BF.

To be clear, your DH needs to be doing more to support you. If you don't have family close by he needs to take a couple of days off. He then needs to leave you in the AM with food ready to be reheated (or eaten cold), drink close by and a mountain of chocolate for you.

Do speak to your health visitor and tell them how you feel. You are not a failure at all. It's really really tough and yes as I said in my first post, speaking with a professional early on helped me a lot and I think it prevented me from ending up with PND (most of the women in my family have had PND for all pregnancies so I am aware I am more at risk of it).

If you have a good relationship with your mother or another female family member or close friend who has had a baby, do ask them to help and come stay. My godmother came to visit for a week.

@Intohellbutstayingstrong you're right. What I meant was, and really should've actually said explicitly, breastfeeding is difficult for most people in the early days. And those "early days" aren't days, they are weeks. If you feel able to it's worth preserving for a few weeks because it being difficult to begin with isn't necessarily an indication that it will be difficult longer term. If you find it too hard or that it's putting too much pressure on yourself, then formula is absolutely fine too. The most important thing is that you and your son are happy.

Thank you @Intohellbutstayingstrong for making me clarify what I meant. I was just being lazy at 4am.

Your husband should be over after work every day helping you.
Are the nurses/ midwives helping you?
I had a baby by csection but overseas, so not sure what the setup is in the uk.

Not at all @Daffodil. I probably could have worded it differently. I felt like a failure because I couldn't BF one of my DD and it was the lovely midwife who really helped me accept that it was ok to bottle feed. My DD thrived and it certainly helped lift the dreadful cloud.

How many times has your husband been a new mother?

^This

To be clear, your DH needs to be doing more to support you. If you don't have family close by he needs to take a couple of days off. He then needs to leave you in the AM with food ready to be reheated (or eaten cold), drink close by and a mountain of chocolate for you.

^and this

Talk to one of the midwives about how you're feeling. Explain to your DH that he's half of a partnership and in his new role of father his responsibility is to support you in any way he can in these emotional early days.

Congratulations on your new baby

OP. It's normal. DS had jaundice and BF wasn't working, he refused formula, I knew he wasn't himself even after only a few days. He was so sleepy. I was in for six days, on s ward so very difficult to sleep, really worried about DS and then the phototherapy not being able to get him out and hold him, that little mask strapped to his face. I was definitely teary and the midwives didn't suggest PND for a moment and I had amazing support from a DH who didn't tell me I wasn't normal! You're exhausted and worried, your hormones are all over the place, I was teary over odd things for a week or so after I got home too. If it lingers after you get home (I know it feels like you can't see when that will happen but it will) , see your GP or talk to your health visitor, I'm now 8 weeks PP and getting more sleep but still teary occasionally at random things ,episode of Jeremy Kyle for example (I know I know it's a guilty mat leave pleasure) , but generally I feel happy.

I cried a lot for 4 weeks, then occasionally for 2 more. And I had a term vaginal delivery and went home after 48 hours! It's normal to find this first bit overwhelming at the best of times.

Your husband needs to speak to you aboit his concerns in a supportive rather than accusatory way (comparing you to "normal" mums is not helpful). Did you do any antenatal classes?

ah men!! what you are feeling is normal! Your DH needs to pull his socks up as he is tucked nicely in bed whilst you are in hospital on a ward at night. You are a new mum, he needs to support you rather than tell you to stop crying.

I also had my first son by general anesthetic emergency c section at 35 weeks and remained in hospital for a week after.
You are completely normal and I felt the same as you. The lack of sleep in hospital with the constant interruptions, bright lights, medication and bp checks every 2 hours really made me feel dreadful with sadness coming in waves, talking through and going home made the world of difference.

My sons mouth was too small to latch so I used the syringe to extract the colostrum then pumped small amounts of milk into a special tiny bottle and topped up with formula.
Have you had your son checked for a tongue tie which can really cause issues while feeding?

I had my second son naturally after being induced and went on to exclusively breastfeed, have you asked the midwives for help with latching, a lovely midwife really helped me with this and showed me how to feed laying down.
But essentially fed is best and both formula and breast have their benefits.
Don't put pressure on yourself, you're doing a great job and your husband needs to support you.

Oh gosh so normal be kind to yourself.
I’m still teary 2 and 4 years later , I’m not sure if it’s hormones but emotionally iv changed . I’m not saying I cry all the time but I’m far more teary than I ever was.

What is your husband doing all this time you are in hospital with no support. If he's on paternity leave he should be there all day to support you and his baby. If he's at work he should be there as soon as he finishes work, until visiting hours end, to support you and his baby.

What you are feeling sounds normal but maybe you could ask a midwife or doctor to sit with you and let you talk about your concerns, which may help you to feel reassured.

Oh OP I want to cry just reading your post. I had an emergency c section and was in hospital for a week and I cried so much, every single day. And then when I came home too.

It was maybe a week later that I said to my DH ‘oh my god it’s been 24 since I last cried!’ Anddddd then I cried the next day. So in my experience totally normal - especially when you’ve had a trauma.

It will get better when you go home although you’ll still be weepy probably - partly because of the hormones, partly because it’s just tough.

Congratulations on your baby

Thank you for all your lovely responses. I'm not at home in the UK so I have a language barrier in the hospital as well which I think doesn't help. They speak some English but it's hit and miss with who!
He will breast feed but it's difficult to keep him interested and he tends to fall asleep quite quickly which I've been told is normal in babies born early.
I know my husband only means well but I think he's worried about PND because my mum had it (she's had depression her whole life) and he doesn't want me to get it. I obviously don't either and generally I'm so incredibly happy - he is a much, much longer for baby I'm just struggling a bit not being allowed home.
Someone hit the nail on the head about the constant interruptions- we get a routine going overnight and I wake up feeling good and then it's all obliterated with doctors and midwives visits. They're important but they barge in the room and just expect everything to go their way.
He's not having phototherapy we're just waiting it out!
Again, thank you for your support, I hope things will get better soon. We just want to go home!

OP I had a similar experience - I was in hospital almost a week when I had twins. The hormones mixed in with the chronic lack of sleep, mixed in with not being able to go home turned me into an emotional wreck. Tell your DH it’s completely normal, and shame on him for suggesting otherwise!
I still get emotional now thinking of that time so be kind to yourself OP.