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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About drugs

28 replies

EMB12 · 28/01/2019 22:02

Hey, this is my first post on here but I’m in desperate need of some honnest unbiased advise.. I’ll try and make it as short as possible..

So I have been with my partner for 8 years now, we met when we we’re 21 and 9 months later I fell pregnant with our first daughter (now 6) we then quite quickly moved in together and then after a couple of years had our second daughter (now 2) .

My partenr experienced his first stag do this summer in Ibiza and as expected he took drugs while he was out there with his friends( him or his friends never use to be users). When he got back he started getting in the habit of taking coke down the pub and when he was around certain friends houses.. I am VERY anti drugs and he has know this from day one. anyway he started to lie to me about talking drugs untill one day when I caught him out.. he promised me he would never do it again and that our relationship meant more to him than drugs.. a couple of months later he went out and I found him in our daughters bed with a nose covered in cocaine (our daughter had crept into bed with me in the night and he didn’t want to disturb her so he slep in her bed) when he woke I asked him if he had taken drugs and he said no.. when I asked him what the powder round his nose was he finally admitted what he had done .. it all blew up again and he said he would not do it etc etc and I felt like he meant it more this time because of the situation i found him in. He proposed to me a few months ago and we have been trying to work things through but now we are getting married all
of his friend that are into drugs want to take him to Ibiza.. I have said to him that it’s either me or taking drugs every now and again.. we keep arguing about it and going round in circles, he’s making me feel bad for ‘holding him back’ and ‘not having fun and being able to re live the liege he would have had if we haven’t have had children so young’ I don’t want to hold him back and I want him to be able to enjoy his life but he seems to think he can’t do this without drugs anymore ... I’m at Whitt’s end.. I don’t know what to do.. should I let him take them every now and again and get over my issue with drugs or should I stick to my gut and say no.. it’s me and our kids that has to face his comedowns and all I think about is if something happened to him what would I tell our 2 girls?! he thinks I’m over reacting, What do you think?

X

OP posts:
Anonanonanariston · 28/01/2019 22:07

YANBU. It's something you feel passionate about and always have. He has always known this. You've not changed or moved goal posts and you have every right to stand your ground. It's not an unreasonable thing to be passionately against. Occasional coke taking is something that's tricky to keep from escalating (to more regular use), despite any protestations he might offer, and that doesn't marry well with family life. He needs to decide what his priority is.

Boodledug21 · 28/01/2019 22:08

I would get out as quickly as possible. It sounds like he is an addict, and addicts lie, cheat, steal and care about little else than their next fix. You have a duty of care towards your young children, you must put them first now, for their safety. All the talk about wanting a life is total BS. He fathered those children, he has responsibilities that he is not facing. Do not compromise on your convictions, drug usage is a drain on any relationship, financially, mentally and physically. He needs professional help.

PinkGin24 · 28/01/2019 22:09

If you have put up with it this far then you
aren't as 'anti-drug' as you make out. The SECOND i found out someone i even knew was taking drugs - let alone dating or had kids with - they would be out my life.

Anonanonanariston · 28/01/2019 22:09

I would also postpone the wedding until you can 100% trust him. Drugs aside, him lying to you about it and then trying to blame you would make me think you want to really consider this relationship before you commit further. (I know kids is a larger commitment, but still...)

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/01/2019 22:11

You can't "make" him do anything. You can tell him how you feel, how big a deal it is for you but he has to make the choice himself. Otherwise, as you've found out, he will just lie. Frankly, my jaw dropped when you described him being in with your LO with coke all round his nose? What if she had ingested some of that? Personally, his arse would have broken the sound barrier on its way out the door at that point if it was me.

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/01/2019 22:13

Gah, i misread the OP. Nvm.

Ozziewozzie · 28/01/2019 22:14

Cocaine is not a good drug to be taking for so many reasons.
So many teens are getting their hands on cannabis at the moment. In their minds it's legal in so many countries so it must be ok.
The trouble with over here is that it's sold illegally and so the source can not be verified or its quality. Dealers mix all sorts of dodge stuff with drugs to bulk it out, be more addictive, diff colours, tastes etc. You never really know what you're getting. A lot of drug sellers are using and exploiting children now to do drug runs etc do they themselves don't get caught.
I do not think you're unreasonable at all. I wouldn't even feel bad. I'd make it very clear that any drug use is not acceptable, and if there's another instance, your relationship will be over.
If he can't prioritise you, the kids and his own well being, I'd say you'll be having a lucky escape.
I wouldn't even discuss it with him anymore. You've expressed yourself, now it's up to him.
I really hope he sorts this out for you all.

CherryPavlova · 28/01/2019 22:14

I’m slightly agog that you expected him to take drugs when away with friends. It’s entirely unacceptable for a father with young children to abdicate his responsibilities towards you and his family by snorting away your money.
Why would you want to marry a drug addict?

Anonanonanariston · 28/01/2019 22:15

@TooTrueToBeGood she can make him pack his bags and go!
Side note - I really hope you made sure he stripped and washed her bed if you found him in it with loose coke round his nose that no doubt got on her pillowcase etc. That made me shudder.

Original poster
EMB12 · 28/01/2019 22:27

Thatnks for taking time to reply to this it has made me feel better for standing my ground..

I just wanted to clarify a couple of things.. after I found him in my daughters bed I took both of my children out of the house told him he needed to leave and stay at his dads and that he needed to strip her bed and put it on a boil wash. I was absolutely fuming.. actually that’s an understatement.

The thing that upsets me the most is that I know this is not him.. he has been pushed by his friend and all the ‘cool lads’ do it so he doesn’t want to be the only one not. None of his friends have children and the ones that are In relationships just lie to their partners ... I know he is a good guy really he’s just been drawn into the wrong crowd and I just want to shake him and snap him out of it and go back to 6 months ago but I can’t. X

OP posts:
Lbwestf123 · 28/01/2019 22:30

What would his family and your family think?

Do you think letting them know would help him realise he’s in the wrong?

The problem with recreational drug users is that they are only ever with people who think it’s cool and not harmful.

Original poster
EMB12 · 28/01/2019 22:35

I am anti drugs.. I wound never choose to be with someone who took drugs, we have been together 8 years and he’s started taking them the past 6 months since a stag in Ibiza. It’s easier said than done to leave someone if you love them even if they do something you don’t ageee with but trust my word he is on his fianal straw and if he chooses drugs he has lost me for good and if he want to see his children he will have to take a drug test first.

OP posts:
Makatoned · 28/01/2019 22:36

It is not his friends, that is denial speaking. He has a choice to use and he chooses to use. He has already made his choice over family life and you’ll find he will continue to make his choice until he’s had enough and will claim they are mistakes. Get out now. Your children deserve better.

Original poster
EMB12 · 28/01/2019 22:37

we are both very fortunate and come from very nice families and I know for a fact his parents and grandparent would be so upset and disappointed if they knew..

OP posts:
mushlett · 28/01/2019 22:38

Cocaine use is so prevalent that statistically it is hugely unlikely that any individual person doesn’t have friends, family or colleagues who take it. Bringing it into the house is wholly unacceptable as there are young children there but does it really matter if he does it on his stag do in Ibiza? I don’t really see a problem with him doing that.

TomThumb1 · 28/01/2019 22:42

I'm currently separated from my partner and father of my young daughter because has become addicted to cocaine. With massive side effects.

Please take this very seriously, I wish I had. My life is in tatters and I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Original poster
EMB12 · 28/01/2019 22:48

Because I know it wounds stop there and there’s still also an added risk to potential death that I don’t think you should take when you have children. I’m not stupid and I know it’s not very common and you can get hit by a car tomorrow but it’s still adding unnessacary risk whe. You have kids.. what would I tell them?! Sorry girls daddy good drugs and now he’s dead.. what kind of life is that going to set them up for?

OP posts:
Original poster
EMB12 · 28/01/2019 22:48

I also know it woundnt stop there..

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/01/2019 22:53

You know it’s not him?
But it is.
He chooses to do it. They may encourage or even offer drugs by nobody forces him.
And you expected him to take drugs in Ibiza? Why? It is possible to go and not take them.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 28/01/2019 22:56

YANBU I am very anti drugs. For me it is a relationship dealbreaker simply for the fact that I don’t want to be dealing with that sort of life drama.

Understandably you must feel devastated. For me the only option would be to split. That being said, I do not have any children at the moment.

Lbwestf123 · 28/01/2019 22:56

Social services would not be happy that he is around his child in her bedroom while on it. Which is different to doing it on a stag do.

A close family member kept his cocaine addiction from us for a long time (it was on and off).

In this time he attempted suicide while on it
Drove while drunk and on it
Was physically violent
Spent money his family weren’t aware was being spent on it
Got into debt

This all started after doing it on nights out with friends.

Lbwestf123 · 28/01/2019 22:57

I should contextualise he would never do any of those things sober! He had a complete personality transplant.

Nayeds · 28/01/2019 23:00

Some people can harmlessly take or leave drugs. However, it's affecting his family life so I would suggest it's more of a problem that he's letting on. Get him to admit he cannot say no. That's step one. The denial is extremely difficult to overcome but once achieved it is the beginning of recovery. Once he admits he can't turn drugs down, the next step it help and there's a LOT of yel

Nayeds · 28/01/2019 23:00

Help out there. Don't despair OP as he can be saved.

Wolfiefan · 28/01/2019 23:02

Saved?
Not by the OP. People only stop taking drugs if they choose to and work to stop.

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