To honestly feel like the shittest parent

[Senioritafamiglia]

My DC are nearly 9 and 4.

I am not sure what has happened, but from being a fairly relaxed, cheerful parent I am now constantly tight faced explaining behaviour expectations when out with them as they have in the last 6 months starting behaving really badly in public, ie running down very narrow pavements with busy oncoming traffic, running up and down in restaurant's, play fighting in car parks. At first I was taken off guard and couldn't quite believe it when they outright wouldn't do what I asked to the point of dangerousness. Hence the tight face continuously watching out for trouble and explaining the consequences of dangerous / unacceptable behaviour.

The school run has become a nightmare with my 4 yo having a tantrum (a large, long one requiring carrying her if necessary to get there on time) on a near daily basis.

Meal times a total headache with both of them refusing food willy nilly and arguing.

Bedtime a tight regieme of bribes and threats just to get them in bed at a reasonable time so they aren't exhausted the next day.

Teeth cleaning a battle zone.

I am exhausted by the time they are down.

I actively want to enjoy life and my children. Previously I have smiled, danced, gone for cake, popped to the beach , invited friends over....I would say this has pretty much dried up since around last September, as one trip or social event after another has been really difficult.

I was asking my ds to get into bed , at bedtime and he turned round and simply said 'shut up'. I told him to get into bed and left the room in tears.

My mouth is a hard set line, my frown line has got even deeper and I have developed a small but noticeable stutter when managing their behaviour.

I know I sound completely incompetent. Please be kind. What the hell is going on??

What sanctions do you use? Would a reward chart help? Make the reward something simple and easy that won't cause you more stress.

Do you reward good behaviour?

Please don't be so hard on yourself! I don't think there's a parent out there who hasn't at some stage felt like they were out of their depth and shit at this parenting malarkey - I certainly have.

So what changed between September (when it sounds like things were manageable?) and now? Do you get any quality time with each of them on their own? Because that has saved me in the past - get one of them away from the other, do something "fun", remember why you love them, build a bit of a relationship again with the individual child rather than "the children" as a pack, and you get back on the right track.

And meanwhile - zero tolerance. What sanctions do you have? I used cold hard cash - they had pocket money, and 10p/20p was removed per episode of bad behaviour. That may not work for yours - but think of something that really matters to them, a sanction that they'll care about.

You'll get there, I promise. Do you have much support - is their father around?

Did it start when your youngest started school then op? How is she doing there? Same with your older dc, how are they doing at school? Do you gave a partner?

Can you do an Incredible Years course?

Thoroughly recommend.

You need to focus on the worst bits first. Stickers on chart for walking to school with holding hands and no fuss (take chart and reward on the spot). 5 stickers= charity shop toy. Do this for 2-3 weeks until being good is a habit. Then use bribes on another flash point.

For the 9 yo, take away something he likes if he's rude/naughty. No TV or tablet time if he's not behaving well.

I would stop going to events if they're being paibs in the arse. It doesn't have to get forever. Are they getting enough exercise? Do they get one on one attention at all? These things can improve relationships.

I have completely removed tv. It is not
Going back until their behaviour improves for several weeks. Tried to use it as a daily incentive. It didn’t work.

at least for meal time, chill out.

remove all treats and snacks from the house. Give them their food. If they don't want to eat, then fine, they don't have to. When they are hungry enough, they will eat.
It doesn't work if they are filling up on snacks though.

What consequences are there if they run in restaurants, or have a tantrum?

Explaining the consequences doesn't work, a very real and strict consequence would work better.
Lots of praise for good behaviour when they make an effort works too

Try the book How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. It's really good. It got me out of a parenting rut and changed the way I speak to my kids. It's easy to read, you can start using each technique as soon as you've read it, no need to finish the whole book first. It made me realise that a lot of what I said to my 3 year old were commands, instructions, orders. I don't know how that happened, but it was easy to fix using the book, and quick. Really recommend it!

Thanks all for such helpful and thoughtful replies.

Sticker charts with immediate rewards for safety will start tomorrow. I do try to do things alone with them but could certainly do more.

Their dad is involved supportive and sees them regularly and now I think about it a bit more yes, they have experienced some upheaval in the past 4 months on that side of things. Nothing major changed for me or our set up but I think this other thing will have unsettled them quite a lot.

Yes to withdrawing all treats for disrespectful language. Unfortunately there has been no tablet TV or Kindle for 3 weeks now and won't be until I see a sustained change from ds especially.

I'm finding it all very depressing, most especially the way my 8yo ds speaks to me

And yes I will read that, I think I need to 'reset' things as it were.

Sounds really hard OP. The trouble is when you get into a cycle like this it just feeds itself.

I have found the aha parenting website useful sometimes for tips on the immediate reaction to the kids being a pain in the arse. It's a bit American (so some of the things you can't imagine yourself saying) but has good bits to pick. Also it comes from a position of trying to understand first rather than going straight in for the kill. Obvs you do what you do when it's running in a busy road etc but useful advice for other occasions.

Do you think the kids are liking the drama and attention? I know my son, 4, def feels negative attention is better than no attention. With mealtimes can you calmly dish up what is made, serve yourself and eat and ignore everything else? I don’t make my son eat everything but I tell him that’s all there is so eat it or leave it. He doesn’t get any pudding unless he has at least attempted to try what is on the plate.

I have nothing to add other than my support. You are doing a great job - just sometimes it gets a bit shit, but we get through it. hugs

I don’t know how to do a clicky link, but read up on Love Bombing. I’d got into a really negative rut with my two and this approach made a huge difference:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

I would second the ahaparenting.com website. I agree it's quite American (!) but it fits with my parenting style - what I aim for anyway! It's mostly about setting boundaries with empathy (so recognising and validating their difficult feelings) but also it's about connecting first. It definitely sounds like something has unsettled them and they need to feel reassured

Things deteriorated to a quite alarming stage in my house, exacerbated by work not being great for either of us.

Ended up with us having our first ever 'family meeting', a no holds barred, everything out in the open discussion about everything we felt was going wrong. It was very productive. Even my youngest, 4yo, understood where she was at fault and acknowledged what she needed to change.

Things haven't always been perfect since but it is much improved. I would definitely recommend it.

I'd like to recommend taking some time to work out what's happened to make them suddenly behave like this.

Also yes, yes, yes, to ahaparenting - saved my sanity, and my relationship with my son. Dr Markham's work is amazing, and it involves being kind to both you and the kids (it is hard work, but I find it works far, far, far better than reward charts/punishments ever did).

Take care, OP, wishing you happier days ahead soon. x

We have experienced something similar with our 8 year old. I am told there is a hormonal surge in boys around this age which makes them moody and argumentative. It doesn't help exactly but may make you feel better knowing its likely to be just a stage of his development.

www.smh.com.au/national/early-puberty-hormones-and-behaviour-linked-in-primary-school-boys-20151203-gleom6.html

Your 4 year old is probably just tired and overwhelmed by starting school. This second term is hard because its dark and everyone is under the weather, hopefully it just a phase. It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong so go easy on yourself!

Also, re safety - I would say that this is not an issue for 'rewarding' - it's non-negotiable, it's a basic, basic requirement that they listen when you're crossing the road/keeping them safe. It's not 'good' of them to do that, it's essential. They don't - and can't - have the option of disobeying in that situation.

Part of a compassionate approach involves very clear and well maintained boundaries, and safety is one of those that needs to be respected.

Thanks all

So helpful and practical. Will follow up all recommendations. YY to lowering expectations regarding enjoyment for sure and perhaps just working on the unsettledness, connection and safety. Thanks again

I wouldn’t reward for safety either. I agree it’s an expectation, end of. However, mostly I wouldn’t because when they’re being deliberately defiant they do things to prove your rewards means nothing to them. It’s bad enough when it’s anything else, but if that’s running onto the road, that could be fatal. YOU might think they wouldn’t do that, but they just don’t think, they act.

Did their dad have another Child?

It very hard to make suggestions without knowing what the children found upsetting.
You say things were ok up to that point. Sounds very significant.

Highly recomend the Incredible Years course. We did it (free) run through our local county council social services team when we got in touch to ask if there was any support as we were having problems.