To honestly feel like the shittest parent

[Senioritafamiglia]

My DC are nearly 9 and 4.

I am not sure what has happened, but from being a fairly relaxed, cheerful parent I am now constantly tight faced explaining behaviour expectations when out with them as they have in the last 6 months starting behaving really badly in public, ie running down very narrow pavements with busy oncoming traffic, running up and down in restaurant's, play fighting in car parks. At first I was taken off guard and couldn't quite believe it when they outright wouldn't do what I asked to the point of dangerousness. Hence the tight face continuously watching out for trouble and explaining the consequences of dangerous / unacceptable behaviour.

The school run has become a nightmare with my 4 yo having a tantrum (a large, long one requiring carrying her if necessary to get there on time) on a near daily basis.

Meal times a total headache with both of them refusing food willy nilly and arguing.

Bedtime a tight regieme of bribes and threats just to get them in bed at a reasonable time so they aren't exhausted the next day.

Teeth cleaning a battle zone.

I am exhausted by the time they are down.

I actively want to enjoy life and my children. Previously I have smiled, danced, gone for cake, popped to the beach , invited friends over....I would say this has pretty much dried up since around last September, as one trip or social event after another has been really difficult.

I was asking my ds to get into bed , at bedtime and he turned round and simply said 'shut up'. I told him to get into bed and left the room in tears.

My mouth is a hard set line, my frown line has got even deeper and I have developed a small but noticeable stutter when managing their behaviour.

I know I sound completely incompetent. Please be kind. What the hell is going on??

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/

This free webinar is quite good too.

Yes their dad had another child. Unstable set up, doesn't live with the mother, kids don't see new sibling frequently don't really know what to make of it and advice or experience greatly appreciated.

Thank you cracker

Poor kids. Sounds like they've got a lovely mum to help them through it. Sorry it's tough though.

With my armchair psychologist hat on...

Sounds to me that the new baby has really upset them and they're pushing against the one stable parent that they have to release their feelings. You are safe and will forgive them anything and so you're sadly going to get the brunt. It's a really shit realisation but it should honestly help ease the pain slightly - they know they're your number one priority because I expect completely unconsciously you've always put them first. It will get better!

I guess just remain consistent but try and bring some of the previous joy back.. have one evening a week where anything goes. I'm also a single parent and on occasion I have 'Yes Day' which means that, unless it could harm them, you say yes to everything. So yes to chocolate for breakfast, yes to whatever activity they fancy doing that day (within reason), yes to staying up a bit late to watch a film together.. whatever works. Your kids will love it - for obvious reasons - but I also find it liberating.

Will it kill them? No... well then, let's do it!

Thanks @sanfranbear thats really helpful and I love the sound of a yes day! Yes it does help for you to put it like that and yes it is true, I think. I will have a good think about you've written in the morning. Many thanks for your kindness! Unmumsnetty hugs x

Who knows what goes through their tiny minds at times? I could understand it more if the mum and baby were living with him.

You said he’s involved, supportive...so it doesn’t sound like he’d have said anything nasty or hurt them in anyway.

I would talk to them separately. I would say to DS that you feel he’s upset about something and that it would probably help to tell you what it is and remind him that it is wrong for ANYONE to make a child promise not to tell their mum or dad AND no matter what’s they threaten, it’s lies & it’s perfectly safe to tell you, nothing bad will happen.
If he still says ‘nothing’ then tell him if he changes his mind, you’re always there for him and he can talk to you about anything, anytime.

Then explain to him that you will not tolerate the recent behaviour. Telling you to shut up, playing up when you’re out, being stroppy about food etc is totally unacceptable. That you miss the fun you used to have. Remind him he can talk to you about anything, but he cannot behave like that.

Then DD, the same but at a 4yo level. This term is brutal for new starters. Last term they had the fun of starting school, teachers being lenient, fun stuff for Christmas...now this term...teachers are being more strict, less fun stuff, dreary wet weather, walking to school in the cold & dark... now she’s got Daddy’s new baby to factor into her life, an older brother leading her astray, mummy being (to US understandably!) cross a lot... but she needs telling to, that you’re there if she has a problem she wants to talk about, but that you are done with her being naughty.

Good luck. It’s not easy 💐

Didn’t read your thread because I know you are not a shit parent because shit parents don’t think they are shit parents it’s usually good parents who put to much pressure on themselves

I honestly think you are doing nothing wrong, you are raising tiny intelligent beings, the younger will learn from the older. They will push boundaries and gang up on you to get what they want, it’s nature and survival! Continue doing what you are doing and being a great mum, every parent experiences such a phase (even if they don’t admit it). One day you’ll be able to look back and tease them over this

With so many reading recommendations another isn’t very helpful but I found
[[
www.bookdepository.com/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Noel-Janis-norton/9780142196922?redirected=true&utm_medium=Google&utm_campaign=Base1&utm_source=IE&utm_content=Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting&selectCurrency=EUR&w=AFFPAU99ZZQ3LDA803S1&pdg=aud-298410631382:pla-308360991107:kwd-308360991107:cmp-711096402:adg-39922123827:crv-163909984731:pid-9780142196922:dev-m&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhv2qosqG4AIVCrXtCh3I5gNnEAQYAiABEgKUvfD_BwE Calmer Easier Happier Parenting]] invaluable

It has specific sections dealing with mealtimes, bedtimes, homework and other flash points but also a general section on parenting skills/practices.

It’s very positive and gentle with a focus on consequences rather than punishment/discipline

As a parent I felt relatively well prepared up to about the age of 4. There’s so much information about each stage and phase up to the terrible two’s and then, it seems, that if you get that stage right they should emerge as nice children and just basically grow.

I find dipping into blogs and parenting books now and then is really helpful because without them I fall back on the kind of parenting I grew up with which isn’t what I want to pass on.

It’s also fascinating to read about the stages of middle child development and see how much they change and challenge us.

Link fail
calmer happier easier parenting

Has the youngest just started school? My youngest turned into a demon for the first 6 months which was tough.

Ok...been there...Several times plus grandchildren

Safety first ...take a deep breath and know you are not a shit parent. Get some reins or other means if connecting you to youngest and put them on. It's non negotiable as there's night risk of said child ending up under a car.

You can take all the time you like in analysing the whys and putting any options to work never mind the result. To do that you need to know that there are safe first and foremost. Basic Marlows hierarchy of needs.

Rewards for desired behaviour can start as soon as you like. For standing up with them, stopping crying if he is, for getting out the door, for a set number of steps along the road etc but not off till.goes through school gates. Until dc does this complete journey calmly have no negotiation. Once off any regression and the reins back on.

It might sound harsh but it's dc life at risk as well as your mental health.

Motherhood is the hardest job with reprieve for good behaviour or get out clause. You are brilliant to make it so far. There's is a way up from this low point !

Oops pressed send too soon. If you het to school well done. If you don't then we'll done if you got out the door.

If the tantrum involves remaining on the floor leave the area, retreat to a place you can relax and mini.is the noise and have a cup of tea.

Sooner or later the noise will stop.

If you don't make it to school it's no big thing ..just let them.know before the end of the school.day so it won't be an unauthorised absence. As long as you don't let dc play or eat before standing up , stopping crying or whatever you asked you will.have made progress.

I am.a very laid back person but anything that puts my child in danger ... that sololution to achieve safety is non negotiable.

Onwards and upwards... you can do it !

Like someone else said it’s so easy to get into those negative cycles where they’re always naughty and you’re always cross. I’ve been there, I’m sure most parents have. It’s a tough period but you will come out the other side!
Someone said that your children aren’t there to be enjoyed, but I don’t know... I think that if you’re enjoying your kids, it’s such a good sign. They can sense they are enjoyed, and that is one of the best feelings isn’t it? That your parent not only loves you, but enjoys you? To me it’s totally the right view to take. It won’t always be possible to enjoy them - like when they’re going through a tantruming phase or whatever - but the moments can still be there. I guess it’s somehow about getting back to that place. Like initiating some happy interaction that’s to do with fun and chatting and whatever the child enjoys - and is nothing to do with rules or discipline. For different kids it’s different things they enjoy. My son just loves talking so I’d sit next to him, look in his eyes and engage him in conversation. He just loves it. My dd, I’ll ask her if we can colour together or play together. Then, when they act up later on, you have those positive interactions too, it’s not just about the discipline.
Others have given better advice but I just wanted to say you sound like you’re a great mum, it’s just a tough patch that’s all.

We have a jar and we put cotton wool balls in for good behaviour. Small treat halfway, bigger treat when it's full.

Usually ask my DD what reward she'd like and we put it on a shelf (in view but out of reach) until she has earned it.

Cotton balls are big enough for them to feel like there's real progress in a short space of time which can be motivating.

Good luck, and stop being so hard on yourself!

Sometimes I get mine ready for bed as soon as we get in from school, to avoid the awful tired bedtime refusal thing. So as soon as we get in they go upstairs and change ready for a shower, get pjs on and come down for dinner. Then we carry on with the evening and just have to brush teeth before bed. Mine are still CBeebies age though and believe the world closes at 7pm so I appreciate it is harder when they are older!