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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Didn't let BIL hold daughter

33 replies

graenne · 28/01/2019 20:44

I'll keep it short.

BIL came over. Had been smoking cigars and a pipe all day. Stank of smoke (that awful stale smell).

He wanted to hold 2.5 month old daughter.

I kindly said sorry not today. I genuinely said it kindly (inside I was actually feeling sick because of how bad he smelt).

He's stormed out of the house saying that I'm BU. Me and my partner (his brother) are both surprised as I was genuinely nice about it and just going by what the HV said.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Flipflop789 · 28/01/2019 20:45

Not at all. Id do the same

BubblesThaDragoon · 28/01/2019 20:46

No, not at all, it could be harmful to the baby! My friends HV said smokers should wash their hands, give it a few hours and change their clothes completely before holding the baby !

Ohnonotuagain · 28/01/2019 20:47

YADNBU. I wouldn't have let him either.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 28/01/2019 20:47

Did you say why? If so well done you and he should have the brains to understand why

Original poster
graenne · 28/01/2019 20:48

My partner also had one, but it was over an hour ago and changed/washed his hands. His brother however absolutely stank and had been smoking all day.

I didn't even like my partner holding him but at least because we were in our own house he could take precautions.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 28/01/2019 20:50

I wouldn’t even let someone who smelled of cigarettes smoke in the house! Problem is, snaking damages your sense of smell, so smokers often don’t realise how utterly disgusting they smell. And BIL may not understand the link between smoke near the baby and cot death. In short, you did the right thing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/01/2019 20:52

OP I think you are fab. Lots of people struggle with this and you managed to stand up for you baby and do it politely. I take it you're working on you partner now Smile

Original poster
graenne · 28/01/2019 20:52

@SummerInSun I didn't even notice until he was sat at the table. It's disgusting. I'm annoyed at my partner for having one as he doesn't even smoke.

OP posts:
Thehop · 28/01/2019 20:54

I wish I’d had the guts to do this with my mother. Well done

recrudescence · 28/01/2019 21:01

Good for you. Sometimes you have to tell it like it is.

Original poster
graenne · 28/01/2019 21:10

I couldn't help it. I'm usually the quiet shy type. I even made my other half change. Don't know what came over me Grin

OP posts:
LondonGirl83 · 28/01/2019 21:13

YANBU. 3rd hand smoke has been shown to be damaging. There is a reason the vast majority of cot deaths are with smokers...

Aridane · 28/01/2019 21:20

It was probably the way you said it and the tone that caused him to storm off. Ityfairly clear from your posts that you don't like BIL!

Iloveautumnleaves · 28/01/2019 21:22

Well done 💐

Your baby is FAR more important than BIL’s pride/ego/whatever.

Is he normally such a big bloody drama queen? Why did he storm out? He sounds like a right twat.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 21:23

Well done OP. Thanks

Explain to him about smoke.

Gingerkittykat · 28/01/2019 21:23

Did you explain to the BIL why he was not allowed to hold your child instead of just saying no?

I'm a smoker and agree that us smokers often don't realise how bad we smell just after a cigarette.

Original poster
graenne · 28/01/2019 21:24

@Aridane hand on heart I like the bloke, we have a laugh and I was as kind as I could be when I said it.

He asked if he could have a hold and I said 'I'm really sorry, I should've said before you left so you could've changed. Third hand smoke is really bad for babies and HV said anyone holding him after smoking needs to change their top and wash their hands. I can pop in to see you tomorrow for a cuddle?' - even my partner who is very close to his brother said I couldn't have been more reasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
graenne · 28/01/2019 21:25

@Gingerkittykat x post

OP posts:
Skittlesandbeer · 28/01/2019 21:26

Text your BIL a link to the current HV advice. He may not know it’s even a commonly-known thing these days. He might think it’s just you being precious. Let him digest it on his own.

He feels you’re both judging his lifestyle choice to smoke. Feeling judged makes lots of people defensive and cross.

Acknowledge that yes, you are judging him. Sometimes it’s justified. You can choose to sit near him (or join him) when he’s smokey but your baby can’t choose. They rely on you to choose the best way. Baby’s needs win. Simple equation, one that he needs to understand.

I’d text him that protecting your baby from his smokey breath/hands/clothes is going to continue, but it doesn’t indicate you not liking HIM, or keeping HIM from having a relationship with the child.

Remind him that other people are asked to amend their preferences around the baby too. Like keep away if they have a cold, leave the dog at home or not visit during nap times.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2019 21:26

Nasty, filthy fucker. Good for you, op. Let him have his tantrum.

Original poster
graenne · 28/01/2019 21:26

*hold her. Sorry, usually posting about my DSs!

OP posts:
Aridane · 28/01/2019 21:27

Ah, graenne - I misunderstood - I thought you had just said 'no, you can't hold her', without giving a reason, and pulling gagging faces!!!

Tistheseason17 · 28/01/2019 21:28

YANBU.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/01/2019 21:30

I don't blame especially with such a young baby

ThatsExactlyRight · 28/01/2019 21:30

Just blame your HV! We honestly don't mind and would rather baby be kept safe. I'm always telling my mums 'if they don't like it, just say I said!'

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