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AIBU?

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Original poster

My Mum and DD - awkward

50 replies

PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:12

My DD is my mums only Grandaughter, all her other grandchildren are boys.

DD is 19 and she is Gay.

She also has most of both her arms above her elbows covered in tattoos - which I do not like but I accept it’s her body.

My concern is that she is only 19 and her tastes will change and she has had a lot of tattoos on a short space of time. Her and DS both tease me about this and joke about me saying they are “covered” I don’t mind this.

DD was teasing me on FB on something I tagged her in and my Mym has sent her a really quite harsh message saying she’s “hurting me” and “publicly mocking me” and how “chavvy@ she looks.

DD has sent me the message and we are both a bit shocked tbh - and I am a bit annoyed with my mum but I really do not want to fall out with her and neither does DD - what does she do? Ignore?

OP posts:
ExFury · 28/01/2019 18:14

I would stick up for my daughter with that. I’d not be taking any chances that she thought I agreed with her grandmother.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/01/2019 18:16

Obviously side with your daughter, there’s no need for nasty messages. But what has your DD being gay got to do with this?

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:16

She knows my views but she also knows I haven’t asked my mum to step in and my mum has a very old fashioned attitude towards tattoos.

She knows I respect that it’s her choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:17

I think my mum might be a bit disappointed that she is gay - secretly.

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ExFury · 28/01/2019 18:18

It doesn’t sound very secret

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:18

Tbf she hasn’t said anything.

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MatildaTheCat · 28/01/2019 18:20

I’d be tempted to block your dm on FB and get dd to do the same. I think you can just prevent them seeing your content without it being obvious?

You DM is out of order of course but getting into a big fight over it seems pointless. She won’t learn to love tattoos.

mbosnz · 28/01/2019 18:21

I think it sounds like your Mum was sticking up for her daughter. I'd be gently thanking Mum for her love and concern, but saying that when I have a problem with what my daughter is saying to me, I will talk to her about it. And I don't have a problem with the way my daughter is relating to me online. It's very much a generational thing.

The other thing I'd be reminding Mum is of that lovely old saying, 'if we don't have anything nice to say, we don't say anything at all' - especially to what should be our beloved grandchildren. They get to express themselves when they're of an age, the way they wish to - that includes inking. And that she is my beautiful daughter and anyone who speaks ill of her to her, speaks ill to me.

I have nieces etc online that I have unfollowed their facebook feed, because I don't want my relationship with them coloured by what to them is perfectly normal natural stuff but which to me is, erm, not how we express ourselves.

Or in short form - she doesn't have to respect her choices, but she has to respect her right to make her choices.

peeblet · 28/01/2019 18:21

I don't get what her being gay has to do with it or why you mentioned it? if it's about tattoos?

Drogosnextwife · 28/01/2019 18:22

Don't see why her being gay is relevant here at all tbh. Your dm saw her giving you cheek online and told her off for being cheeky to her mum. Apart from the name calling I don't really see the problem. Did she send this message to your DD privately?

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:23

I have explained the gay comment above.

Yes it was a private message but it was quite unpleasant tbh - DD took a screen shot and sent it to me - I think she was upset.

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2019Dancerz · 28/01/2019 18:26

Well what does “cheek” from your dd look like? How rude was she, on a public forum too?

Charlie97 · 28/01/2019 18:27

I'm not sure what your DD being GMs only DGD has to do with anything? Reading between the Lines (I may be wrong, so don't flame me) it's expected that as the only DGD your DD is expected to be the epitome of what your DM old fashionably sees as "girly". Long hair, feminine dress, no tattoos, sits and talks in a lady like manner. Your DM needs to get over herself your DD is the person she is and being the only girl should have no bearing at all. Stand up,for your daughter and tell DM to back off.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:28

She wasn’t rude. She was teasing and I was pretending to be upset but clearly joking as laughing emojis.

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Sparkletastic · 28/01/2019 18:30

If that was my mum I'd be sending her a very clear 'Back off I can fight my own battles - and this wasn't one' message.

Aragog · 28/01/2019 18:34

Maybe your mum doesn't 'get' the laughing with tears emoji, and thought you were upset. This might explain the first comments re upsetting and mocking you - she is sticking up for her daughter. Just make sure mum knows you were all joking and no harm is meant or taken.

The final comment on the way your DD looks is unkind and unacceptable I would seek to your mum about that - pull her up on it. Maybe an apology from your mum to your dd too.

Not sure if it is your mum being upset about your dd being gay. There appears to be no reference to that - just to the tattoos, so more likely your mum just doesn't like the tattoos.

If this is likely to be an issue you could set your mum on your FC to be a restricted viewer or an acquaintance, and make sure your future posts are tagged as being only viewable by all but restricted or acquaintances.

Owwlie · 28/01/2019 18:35

If it was just a joke between you and your daughter I would say something to my mom if I were you. My nan has said very hurtful things to me over the years from calling me fat (when I was 18 and a size 8!) to telling me to drop out of uni and just get pregnant and criticising my parenting by telling me 'she always knew I would struggle as a mother'. My mom has never once stuck up for me and that's the worst part of it to be honest. Im at the point now where I won't allow my daughter around my nan, as I don't want the same being said to her as she gets older. And I don't trust my mom to stand up for my daughter when she didn't for me.

If your daughter was out of order I would still tell your mom that she shouldn't involve herself.

HoraceCope · 28/01/2019 18:35

how pathetic are her messages!
she is hardley mocking anyone!

Linning · 28/01/2019 18:38

Is it possible that your mum didn't get it was all a joke and just told of your DD for what was, in her eyes, humiliating her mother on social media?

I could see my grandma doing that. I am
also queer and the only granddaughter and have tattoos which my grandma hates and while she has zero problem with my sexuality I am sure her first reaction to my tattoo was along the lines of " what a chavy thing to do." She loves me, she just hates tattoos and while she has never interfered in my FB conversations I could see her give me a random bollocking for what could be perceived as me making fun of my mum or another family member (or anyone really) online.

I couldn't be bothered to be mad at her though, but I guess it depends what relationship they have on a normal basis.

Miane · 28/01/2019 18:42

Well personally I don’t like seeing couples or families “tease” each other on Facebook.

What might be a cutesy family “in” joke can look quite uncomfortable when written down and viewed from the outside.

Maybe your Mum feels the same.

What you saw as teasing she thought was was terribly and publicly disrespectful.

She absolutely shouldn’t have sent a nasty message of course.

Speak to your Mum, explain that she has misunderstood and ask her to apologise.

Then make sure she can’t see anything else on your feed.

Ragwort · 28/01/2019 18:42

This sort of thing makes me so glad I don’t use Facebook, sounds like all three of you are totally overinvested in messages you are sending each other.
Try talking to each other? Hmm

2019Dancerz · 28/01/2019 18:43

You were pretending to be upset on some form of open social media and your mum stuck up for you, and you can’t see why she might do that. You all sound very immature actually,

SarahAndQuack · 28/01/2019 18:45

Is it at all possible your mum senses that you don't especially like your DD's tattoos, and thinks either 1) that you should be a more strict parent and say so or 2) that you will appreciate her expressing a version of the same feeling?

I don't mean this excuses it, but I wonder if her intention (however badly expressed) has to do with seeing that you also don't like the tats?

FWIW, I'm gay (though a lot older than your DD!), and my mum also dislikes a few choices I make about my appearance that are stereotypically but not invariably associated with sexuality. Grin But I know if my granny were alive, she'd be far more vocally and rudely disapproving, and my mum would be furious with her.

You sound perfectly supportive of your DD (you're not required to like what she does with her body and you know it). But you also sound a bit the way I remember my own mum sounding, when she was caught between anger at her mum criticising her daughter (and expressing a view in terms she'd never embrace), and her mum saying something that she partly agreed with.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:47

You were pretending to be upset on some form of open social media and your mum stuck up for you, and you can’t see why she might do that. You all sound very immature actually

Yes having a laugh with my adult child is very immature Hmm

The thing is my mum didn’t need to interfere as I am perfectly capable of saying to DD myself - that part I get about my mum feeling she was defending me. It’s the rest of the message that is actually a bit harsh and uncalled for.

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Original poster
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 18:49

DD has left home so I have no say in any of her choices anyway.

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