My Mum and DD - awkward

[PooleySpooley]

My DD is my mums only Grandaughter, all her other grandchildren are boys.

DD is 19 and she is Gay.

She also has most of both her arms above her elbows covered in tattoos - which I do not like but I accept it’s her body.

My concern is that she is only 19 and her tastes will change and she has had a lot of tattoos on a short space of time. Her and DS both tease me about this and joke about me saying they are “covered” I don’t mind this.

DD was teasing me on FB on something I tagged her in and my Mym has sent her a really quite harsh message saying she’s “hurting me” and “publicly mocking me” and how “chavvy@ she looks.

DD has sent me the message and we are both a bit shocked tbh - and I am a bit annoyed with my mum but I really do not want to fall out with her and neither does DD - what does she do? Ignore?

Well, in that case, I think you reply to your mum saying something like 'Oh, no, mum, you didn't get the joke! DD knows I always tease her about the tattoos, and between you and me they're not my favourite thing, but she wasn't mocking me at all, and actually I am very proud of her expressing herself as she likes.'

That lets her know that she didn't read you wrongly about disliking them, but also makes clear that you are not about to be drawn into a conversation about how your DD should look, or how she should talk to you about her appearance.

I would have fully expected my grandma to do the same if she thought I was hurting my mum. And if it bothered mum she would’ve had conversation about how our mother / daughter relationships were different. It’s no biggie, it’s just what mums do.

For the record I have no tattoos nor am I gay, as these two things seem to be relevant.

I don't think family do have to support every decision so I think it's fine for your mum to message your DD about what she perceived as bad behaviour to you. Equally your mum is entitled to say she doesn't like your DD's tattoos. Your DD is entitled to ignore those comments as she has ignored your reservations about her tattoos.

My mum and dad would have something to say if my ds's turned up covered in tattoos, they certainly weren't happy when I got mine. Doubt it's anyth8ng to do with her being a girl, some people just really don't like them on anyone.

Your instinct is to protect your dd. So is your mother's.

Can I talk about the gay thing, since it keeps coming up?

For a certain subset of youngish women, certain sartorial and bodily choices are seen as indicating sexuality. Which is to say, some young women wear sleeves of tats because they want to indicate to other similarly-minded young women that they are, in fact, gay.

It is true that many other people wear tattoos in the same manner, leading some of us to wonder how effective this mode of communication is, but we are doubtless old and staid and boring.

Before I sound too sceptical, I should point out 'twas ever thus, and it's a rite of passage for everyone (gay or straight) to enjoy figuring out what signs mark them as members of a community. And I should also point out that I would probably clock the OP's DD as gay, or at least consider she might be, so it's not fair to pile on the OP for mentioning that, nor for suggesting her mum may be objecting to the tattoos as a symbol rather than just a decoration.

Phone your mum and talk it through.

Sounds like your mother's maternal instincts kicked in. No matter how old a child is a parents (ok, most parents) first reaction will be to defend and protect them.

We have an agreement in our family nothing goes on FB that will provoke granny, its just not worth it.

But in this case I would just point out to your DM that if she wants to have a relationship with her GD she needs to keep her judgy thoughts to herself, because no one will keep coming to see you if you send mean nasty things like that.

I know my DM would share her sentiment, but would handle it differently now we've been subtly training her just in case the kids do decide thats the way they want to go in the future.

mbosnz

Thank you.

And yes if you met my DD her sexuality is fairly obvious from the way she chooses to look.

She’s gorgeous.

A lot of posters seem to be saying 'stand up for your daughter', but isn't that what poor grandmother thinks she's doing in this case?

The simplest thing to do would be for OP to have her DD and DM on separate lists, so they don't see each other's posts, or the OP's interaction with the other person. Then the DM won't get upset by what she probably sees as her daughter being upset.

pooley, you sound lovely, and so proud of your DD.

I'd imagine the joke went over your mother's head. The older generation often don't 'get' the online nuances of social media.
I'd kindly explain this to your daughter and say you're not upset at all, it's just your DM trying to stick up for you because she doesn't understand but that you both need to be tolerant of your DM and perhaps the teasing needs to be off FB.

OP, when you write that your mother's message said your daughter is "hurting me" and "publicly mocking me", it's not clear to me if the "me" is your mother or you.

Sorry - me not my mother.

Pooleyspooley, my daughter is gay too.

It's bloody hard, negotiating the path between the generations, sticking up for your daughter, while understanding the difficulties the older generation have navigating a path of tolerance and acceptance!

I am crap with conflict and my parents.

My mother often encouraged me “not to make a fuss” and not to say what I think about certain things to my DSIS and still does - but for some reason not taking her own advice.

Not awkward at all!

I would tell my mum, nicely though, that it's neither my business nor hers. Stick up for your girl.

Me too.

But when it comes to my kids - well, that's where I'll rock the boat if need be.

We get to say what is acceptable with our kids - then we get to advocate and support for our kids within our families when they step outside the norms of what they'd like, but within what we support - e.g. determining their sexuality or gender.

Or piercings or tattoos. . . . but it's not our skin, is it?! You can't put an old head on young shoulders. She's making her choices. And our hearts are on our sleeve, and we ache, seeing around the corners in a way they can't, but it's for them to make their choices. Sometimes they work out way better than we thought!

Your mum thinks she's defending you as you think you're defending your daughter. It was rude to say she looks chavvy, but not an uncommon opinion.

I know

Said to DD if she takes her career “up a notch or two” the tattoos will hold her back which I thought was a bit breathtaking- almost slagging off what she is doing now (supporting herself).

“A bit breathtaking” to suggest that the job a 19 year old has is the not the pinnacle of her possible career aspirations! You know what she is saying - there will be some jobs that the tattoos will br a drawback if not an actual disadvantage in. Not you OP but some rather ageist comments on here - the “older generation” that can’t be tolerant? The Op’s Mum is not likely to be a very elderly lady, she’s not an actual Victorian.

I was a bit shocked when someone I know told me that she wouldn't go out for a meal with her DD unless the DD's husband wore long-sleeved shirts, this was in a heatwave. I changed my mind when I saw the husband's arms though, the tattoos were dreadful, I wouldn't want to be seen with him either - I like tattoos, but there comes a point when it makes someone look like he might get into street-brawls.

No - she is not an actual Victorian

DDs tattoos are nice and very modern style. She doesn’t look like a navvy

Your DM's probably more concerned about the tattoos than your DD being gay.