Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you cope with being so far away?

26 replies

MrsMuffins · 28/01/2019 16:46

DH, DS, and I live about 5 hours away from my mum and dad. Consequently, we only see them roughly once every 6 weeks, and so they have very little time with DS who’s nearly 3. I’m just having a sad day today, feeling that DS is missing out on so much with his grandparents, and they are missing so much time with him Sad If you live a distance away from family, how do you manage it?

OP posts:
Fancyacuppaluv · 28/01/2019 17:09

I sympathise. My (divorced) parents both emigrated, one to Europe the other to Australia when their first grandchild was 6 months old, nearly 15 years ago. It still really hurts. They have missed out on so much, as have my DD’s.
Sorry, no advice as such but I get very low about it it too. Flowers

Fancyacuppaluv · 28/01/2019 17:11

I meant to add: I see DM once a year and DF maybe once every 2-3 years, but we FaceTime them every week x

JagerPlease · 28/01/2019 17:11

My dad lives in Asia and has only seen my DS (now 2 and a half) once for 3 days when he was 3 months old and I met him halfway. It makes me really sad that DS has no idea who he even is, but I have to focus on the fact that it's my dad who is missing out on such a great little boy

peachgreen · 28/01/2019 17:13

My DD is 1 and my parents are in another country. We FaceTime every day and that helps a lot.

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 28/01/2019 17:14

It’s so hard isn’t it - and there’s really no way around it, we can’t move closer due to DH’s job, and it’s not like they can uproot their whole lives just to be closer to us. Sometimes I just think - what’s it all for? We miss them, they miss us, and life’s too short!

OP posts:
Quandary2018 · 28/01/2019 17:14

You do really well to see them every 6 weeks! I live about 2-3 hours from my parents and see them 4 or 5 times a year- always for an extended period though, spent over a week with them at Christmas for example.
I do feel sad not being able to just pop round as and when and that they are missing out on my DC and vice versa but it’s a situation that can’t be changed so I’ve had to accept it
They don’t even have phones where we can FaceTime

daduck · 28/01/2019 17:15

I lived hundreds of miles from my parents when my kids were small. Can't honestly say I agonised over it, it was what it was. We didn't have Skype or Facetime or Facebook either - just had to visit as much as possible and write letters (phone calls were too expensive).

OutPinked · 28/01/2019 17:15

I find it quite difficult, we moved away about 5 months ago. I feel pretty isolated tbh and didn’t realise I’d miss my family and friends so much. Actually, I miss the familiarity of my hometown above all I think. It’s not been an easy adjustment, especially considering we left a big city and now live in a small town.

lovely36 · 28/01/2019 17:19

My whole family including my parents and sisters live in America. I'm in England. I moved to England to be with dh. I don't even have a friend. People around me don't seem to be very interested in making new friends. It's as if they all have their circle and they keep it that way. Yes I get very lonely. But I guess ds keeps me busy. The only time I get sad is during the holidays. I talk to my mom and sisters every other day though.

MumNeedsTea · 28/01/2019 17:20

I know how you feel! I moved to the UK about 12 years back for work.. Was in my early 20s then. Since then I've married and had 2 DCs and my parents constantly miss them Sad I do sometimes talk about moving back to be closer to them, but my parents don't want me to as the quality of life is better here.. They insist that they aren't going to be around forever so we shouldn't move just for them. It's a practical but harsh way of looking at things.
We facetime whenever we can and my DCs are actually close to my parents. And every year either I go over for a few weeks or they come over for 2-3 months. It's difficult as they are in a different country.. Think 9 hours on a long haul flight!!
I would kill for having them in the same country 5 hours away Smile
Do your parents still work? My parents can come and stay with us for a couple of months bs as they are retired. Could they come and stay with you for longer? I know not everyone would want parents and in laws living with them for long periods, but I come from a culture where living with parents is common.

lovely36 · 28/01/2019 17:20

@OutPinked same! Left Los Angeles to come to Liverpool. :( I miss home so much.

Babygrey7 · 28/01/2019 17:20

We go and see my parents a family in the holidays, when they were little we'd go.summer, christmas and easter for a week each time

That worked well, as longer visits made up for the lack of frequency

LouLouLoupee · 28/01/2019 17:22

My children only have 1 living grandparent that takes anything to do with us and she lives in another country. We see her a few times a year, FaceTime most weeks.
My dad stays an hour away, but went nc about 4 years ago. My own mum died when I was a child. FIL died in October there.
We just get on with it and make the most of the time we do have together

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 28/01/2019 17:22

@lovely36 that sounds so tough, and I can absolutely sympathise! We moved to this area when DS was one, so I missed out on making new mum friends, and it doesn’t help that everyone else seems to have lived round here forever! I’d be your friend Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMuffins · 28/01/2019 17:24

@MumNeedsTea I know it’s not all that far in the grand scheme of things. Really, I have to rationalise it, as unless we lived around the corner from each other, it still wouldn’t give me what I’d ideally like, which is for DS to get to spend a day or two a week with them. Mum is retired, dad isn’t.

OP posts:
YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 28/01/2019 17:24

Yep. Both our families are 4-6 hours away. We see each side 2-3 times a year so it averages out at seeing at least one GP every couple of months. We saw both sets in Dec and will see my mum in April and DH's in May half term. We focus on seeing them for good chunks of quality time over festive periods or other celebrations or we go away on holiday together. It always hurts to say goodbye though.

BlueKarou · 28/01/2019 17:25

When I was growing up my grandparents lived about three hours away - both sets actually, but in different directions so joint trips weren't possible. We saw them at least a couple of times a year; special occasions and whatnot, so as a child seeing the grandparents always meant fun. We would stay there for a week in the summer, they would come down at Easter or Christmas, or for birthdays.

I'm sure it took a lot of effort on their parts and on my parents' part. It would probably have been easier these days with video calling and all that, but then video isn't quite as personal as meeting face to face.

Shutupanddance1 · 28/01/2019 17:26

No solutions to offer but I’m abroad and my MIL doesn’t travel so she hasn’t met our 7 month old.
I’m heading home, sick of the rat race and I don’t want my kids growing up without any family around

Original poster
MrsMuffins · 28/01/2019 17:27

@BlueKarou I agree with video calling, we have the capacity to do it but I feel like it might make DS miss them more! I wish I’d known when I was younger that living close would be a priority when I’m a grown up!

OP posts:
PooleySpooley · 28/01/2019 17:29

Wow do people actually want to see their parents that often?! Grin

I lived 12,000 miles away when my DCwre small and I now live at the opposite end of the country from my husband.

Strokethefurrywall · 28/01/2019 17:36

Im a transatlantic flight away from my family.

My kids have a good relationship with their grandparents despite of the distance, mainly because I FaceTime a lot and we visit each other often.

They're not as close as they would have been had I had the kids in the us but such is life. They still have the best relationship possible.

0lgaDaPolga · 28/01/2019 17:40

I find it really hard, especially at the moment as I have 2 children under 2. My family live 200 miles away. My mum comes to see us every couple of months but with my 2 little ones I find it hard to go up there as often as I’d like. Like you, I find it hard that my kids and I are missing out on time with them and vice versa. Made much worse when I see photos of them all having a nice day out together and wishing I was there. It sucks, but we are in London for dh’s work so not much we can do about it other than keep in touch as much as possible.

Parthenope · 28/01/2019 17:42

To give you another perspective, OP, I know almost no one who lives anywhere near their parents, and we and most of our friends aren't even in the same country as our parents -- to me, it would be a highly unusual state of affairs that work or study or relationships wouldn't take you somewhere else. I've only ever encountered people who seem to stay geographically close since moving here to a village in rural England, and I find it quite unusual.

Which is not to say your feelings aren't valid, only that you're not in an anomalous position.

geekone · 28/01/2019 17:45

It is hard but our DS goes to stay with each of his GPs at least two full weeks of the year. This helps us with child care but gives him 1-1 gp time he wouldn’t get. He loves it we miss him but it’s worth it.

WonderTweek · 28/01/2019 18:37

I live in England and my whole family still live in my home country in Scandinavia. I used to miss them a bit but it only got worse as I had my son as it would be so nice to share all these lovely baby/toddler moments with my parents and my brother. My son is now two and my mum visits us a couple of times a year and my dad once or twice a year. I'm really looking forward to when my son is a bit older and travelling with him will be easier so we can spend more time in my home country (I'm hoping this will improve his language skills too!).

I found that frequent WhatsApp video calls are the answer. We chat to my mum at least weekly and I've recently got my technophobe dad into video calling. It's great and my son loves it, although he tends to snatch the phone and my parents usually end up just seeing the top of his head. 😂 WhatsApp has been priceless as I keep spamming my parents with photos of their grandson and ensure they feel like they are part of our lives even though we live far away.

It is hard though and I would love to move back home. 😢