Two years ago, I became increasingly close to a colleague . We just got into a habit of nightly weekend messaging ... started with funny memes etc and progressed to deeper talks . I am older and married. He is single . I would listen/ advise etc about relationships: general life stuff . Great fun, no worries at all . Messaging got more intense in quantity and in quality and then came the personal and professional compliments . No harm in that I thought. I am married. He knows this. I continue to speak casually about my husband and children on a daily basis.
Chats became deeper... his struggles with commitment and sexuality . I thought he was bi and encouraged him to enjoy his life exploring who he is . He gets more complimentary towards me ..on the physical angle . I was very flattered but in no way attracted to him physically . I got the impression that he maybe admired me and respected me . I encouraged flings and relationships and as he struggles with his sexuality, I tried to encourage him to accept who he is and embrace himself .
In the meantime , he meets a girl ... she seems lovely . The more information he tells me, the more I realise how desperate and needy she is. She has had a series of disasterous relationships , basically emotional abuse and her sexual vulnerability abused also .
My friend meanwhile tells me that he doesn’t have sex anymore as he realises that he doesn’t like it . That’s fine . He has told his girlfriend . She is quite sexual he tells me , but has agreed to a sexless relationship . Also fine . His own business . He also tells her that he wants a slow relationship eg meet whenever he is free . She is fine with this too. Lovely . Not my business . However , he asks my opinion and I gave it . I told him that I think he is using her as a convenience and is settling for someone who will not put sexual or personal demands on him as long as she is in a relationship . She has lived with men since she was 18 years old. Is now in her late 20’s and asked my friend out a month after an eight year relationship ended . Has chased him for the last year .
My problem is that he continues to message all through the day and while I have really detached , he is pursuing the friendship more and more . I do not want to be this close anymore . We work together all day long . He talks about his girlfriend by dropping her name into conversation sometimes .almost like he is trying to convince me of his intentions.. which are none of my business . I was honest. I think he doesn’t care too much about her whereas she adores him but I understand why a man would settle with a woman who doesn’t put demands on him , however wrong and awful it is on her . My feelings towards him have changed . I dont seem to respect him as much anymore and I really dislike listening to all the excuses he tells me demonstrating how everybody else is a priority except for this girl but painting it like he is a knight in shining armour who has saved her from a life of misery .
To conclude , am I naive to think that this man is genuine albeit with serious issues or is he a player who was inappropriate and trying to get his ego fed at any expense?any advice on how to move away from him without leaving my precious and much loved job ...