He won’t get a STD test

[Nc2201]

My dp has had some worrying symptoms with his testicles for the last week. Bad pain in the area for hours at a time (although it does subside), notable redness and swelling along with those attacks. He also has abdominal pain with them. Initially he was sent off to a&E to check for testicular torsion but they thought it was unlikely and so referred him back to the GP. The gp has ordered an ultrasound and urine tests but having read about the symptoms I would like us both to get tested for chlamydia/STDs, as these particularly chlamydia can cause testicular pain and swelling. It’s an awkward topic because we have been together 2.5 years and we are monogamous, but I know that chlamydia can be dormant for a long time and it doesn’t have to mean cheating. We both got tested about 5 years ago before our previous, 2.5 year monogamous relationships- but I have no idea if dp’s ex was tested, and he has said before he suspects she cheated before they broke up. He says he finds the GUM clinic a horrible experience and is very reluctant to go or even do a home test. I am happy to do one or go to the clinic. I want to rule out chlamydia etc because those conditions can have long term serious effects even if symptomless.
AIBU?! I feel like he is being childish about the GUM clinic and whatever infection or inflammation he is experiencing there, could affect me too as we have unprotected sex. He said that’s me being “selfish” but I’m thinkjng of both of us! I don’t get why he won’t just do a test. 5 years is a long time between testing anyway isn’t it?
AIBU please

Quick Google, as I had to remind myself - it can take years to get symptoms, so unless your his first and only partner it is possible for this to be above board.

Incidentally there are loads of things that aren't stds that can cause testicular pain and swelling.

I do find your DP's attitude's to GUM clinic and testing etc - yes, GUM clinics and testing (I had chlamydia tested at GP and went to GUM clinic years before) isn't pleasant but surely if you value your sexual health you do whatever's needed. and also to not be selfish re the sexual health of the partner you're now with.

Home tests can be free, or cheap. They aren't expensive. They send out everything for swabs and blood and results are back within a week.
Some GUM clinics offer same day results.
A piss test doesn't show up a lot of diseases hence swabs and blood.

I would be very, very clear. He is a selfish fucker. If he valued me at all he would get tested. Until tested well he will have to rely on his hand because no way would I be fucking him.

Yes he has sent off a urine sample at gp. Onset was sudden and bad so he was referred straight to a&E but torsion ruled out so back to gp. I guess I didn’t realise the urine testing would include the STD tests I’m sure the gp wouldn’t overlook those. Prob more of an AIBU because of his attitude to STD testing/GUM when I suggested it. I’m worried, not in a selfish way mainly about him. I have a bit of health anxiety though so maybe overthinking. I think I’ll just get myself tested and go from there.

The fact that he is refusing std tests speaks volumes (if he has been faithful, and wants to rule out every possibility of what is causing it then why not get tested)

If he was found to have an std don't kid yourself that he has been faithful, especially since your last tests were clear and especially since he has been so evasive in having it done...he's acting like he has something to hide...

Hmm I think he is protesting a bit too much. If he's gone to A&E why on earth isn't he willing to go to GUM clinic?

That would worry me tbh.

I think if you find out you are infected then you have your answer. The question will then be where has he been?

It seems a bit odd that the GP hasn't tested. They normally would if they thought there was any chance of it being an STD, I think. I'm not sure that your DP is telling you the whole story. I would just go and get yourself tested.

YANBU at all. I've only been tested with my current partner as I was too scared to go and had only been in long term relationships/marriage general using condoms.

What sparked me going is that my ex found out his ex gf had slept with 100 blokes and never used contraception or been tested (yet he refused to get tested himself because she insisted she was clean)!

I can understand why he won't go as it's not a nice thing to have to do but he really should be thinking of your health too.

Can I just say I really don’t have concerns about his fidelity for a number of reasons. I’m not naive, I’ve been cheated on before but I really don’t suspect cheating. When he is away for work etc we always speak/video chat before bed -and more to that, its just not who he is. If he did get a positive test I would not be accusing of cheating, that’s not my worth here.

*worry, not worth

Testing would be overlooked if he hasn't been honest with the gp.
Plus a lot of gp surgeries no longer test and tell you to go to the local gum clinic.

And again, piss tests aren't used for stds.

I have to admit that my first thought was that he is worried that it will show up something and then he will have some explaining to do. Otherwise why the big fuss?

Yes he has sent off a urine sample at gp. Onset was sudden and bad so he was referred straight to a&E but torsion ruled out so back to gp. I guess I didn’t realise the urine testing would include the STD tests I’m sure the gp wouldn’t overlook those.

I don't think that a urine test would identify everything. They would have done swabs to test for other potential causes of his symptoms and they would have asked first so he would know. I don't think he is telling you the whole truth.

Many guys who cheat still video call their partners at bedtime etc. They've either already fucked someone or calling you first and then meeting the other person. For full disclosure, I'm a hooker, and a few times the missus has facetime clients, I go into the bathroom and wait. Although some have wanted me to stay in the room and give head (I won't do it).

Our family planning centres will do them

Yes, but I’m well aware that some stds can lay dormant. If I had any other concerns about fidelity but it’s never come up and considering neither of us have been tested in 5 years and I have no idea about his ex’s sexual history I’m not going to go ahead and accuse him of cheating if the test shows up an sti. I just want to rule it out for health reasons.

Testing would be overlooked if he hasn't been honest with the gp.

In what way would he need to be honest though? They would just test for potentially causes of his symptoms. I don't think they would question him on his sex life first.

Anyone who shows such a blatant disregard for someone's health isn't worth being with

This, with bells on.

You are not "overthinking" this - STDs can have terrible effects such as leaving people infertile!

He sounds too immature to be having sex, frankly. "Doesn't like" the GUM clinic? "Thinks" it'll be tested as part of the urine sample?

Anyone who has so little regard for their own health, or those of their partner, is not someone I could stay with. It's a basic level of healthy respect that's lacking.

No one is suggesting that he's been unfaithful OP, but as I said earlier, you can carry an STI for years before seeing any symptoms, hence it's important to get checked.
Having an STI doesn't always mean infidelity.

Sb

I got mis diagnosed with an std when I had kidney stones

Balls were painful, tender and I had side and back abdominal pain

We were both in monogamous relationships before and had been tested before/during those so I guess it seemed unnecessary but I know that was dumb.

Did you see the results for that test? Given how strongly he does not want to get tested now; when he is experiencing some pretty painful symptoms, I wouldn't believe for a second that he's been tested before.

Unless he has hard evidence that he has previously been tested, I'd be going to get tested in the next day or so and using condoms.

If he claimed to be faithful and tested previously then they would take his word.
If he said look Dr I've fucked up and slept with someone else, then swabs etc would be done.

When I was in a relationship I was only tested when I requested them because it's assumed that people are monogamous.

I have to admit that my first thought was that he is worried that it will show up something and then he will have some explaining to do. Otherwise why the big fuss?
Maybe he finds it uncomfortable, painful, embarrassing etc.? It's like when women who find smear tests a breeze can't fathom why women who find them painful put them off. Everyone is different. Not every man is a cheating lying bastard and OP has said she's happy that OH is faithful so I'd be inclined to believe her and not the regular LTB crew.

If he claimed to be faithful and tested previously then they would take his word. If he said look Dr I've fucked up and slept with someone else, then swabs etc would be done.

Even if he had been faithful there is no guarantee that his partner would have been so he could still have an STI. I don't see the point in asking intrusive questions if the end result is the same i.e. if he has symptoms of something then they would probably test for it. I have been tested for STI btw due to symptoms (which turned out to be thrush) and the GP didn't ask any questions about my lifestyle at all.