Another friend situation. I’m stuck in the middle!

[Deleriumdreamer]

Okay, so I’ve not posted much but I’m really stuck. I’ll try not to drip feed.

So, in a few months time it’ll be my birthday - nothing of great importance but I rarely get out due to having a lot of commitments. I’ve begun making plans (forward planning and giving advance notice for friends with commitments and obviously myself and DP needs to make arrangements for kids/dogs/life essentially) and I have a friend let’s call her “A”. A made a number of stupid mistakes years ago and told many a harmful lies and (in general) just some down right crappy lies in which, some of these lies could have been damaging to someone else’s reputation/life going forward.. I didn’t really know A then she was just a friend of a friend. So since then we’ve obviously all grown but the same group of friends remains. We don’t regularly do stuff but for birthdays/events as you do, we descend and go out.

The problem comes from the fact that people years ago because of the severity of the lies can’t find a way to get over it. This means A is excluded from many things. She has sensed this and has brought this up to me and I tried to explain that issues from the past prevent me from including A in the group that goes out. She has pointed that its the past, people change and they are holding grudges and honestly, given the lies I don’t know if I personally would get over it. Don’t get me wrong A and myself are close but I have my own issues around in a in the regards that (please don’t shoot me down in flames for this lol) I find A a drain on my energy if I spend too much time with her. I do not mean this in a nasty way as I do care for her but she has a tendency to look at things in a continuous negative way, everything is crap, people are crap etc etc. She also has a tendency to point fingers at others and go in childish moods over stupid things (I have seen this side a few times in our friendship) and when I’ve called her out on this then I simply get the “you don’t understand” urgh, the list goes on.

Anyway! Since it’s been brought up time and time again that A is insisting she wants to be included in my plans and that the others wouldn’t create an atmosphere because it’s my birthday and should essentially “get over themselves” for the sake of me.. this fills me with absolute dread. The idea of running between two friends groups or worse, having her get a drink into her and either cause drama or just stand there and draw the eyes off everyone.. well, it fills me with “never mind let’s cancel the birthday plans” kinda dread. I’ve considered even doing one night with A and a few friends and DP and then another night out with the regular group (DP and myself would be going out on Friday night regardless as we’d be childfree) but then A really has burned a lot of bridges and the friends who would be around A happily are few and far between so it won’t look like much of a “celebration” and then my worry is if anyone tags me on social media on the next night it A might get the hump and I can not deal with the childish mood/fall out from it.

I know it’s almost a certainty that A coming along to the main plans simply can’t happen because I can’t see it going well for friends who were on the other side of the lies would simply drop out of plans as soon as she’s mentioned and considering I’m a lot closer to the main group of people too.. I don’t know what’s right.

AIBU? WWYD?

So A wants to come out for your birthday but if she comes lots of your other mates won't because she's lied to them in the past?

First of I, I struggle to understand why you are even friends with A. By your own admission, she's a vicious liar, a self-centered drama queen, and just had work in general. Why are you putting up with this??

Secondly, OF COURSE your other friends don't want to be around her. She nothing but a viper in the grass who takes pleasure in ruining lives. Your friends have far more sense that you do when it comes to her.

Give your head a wobble and end this "friendship" before you lose your ACTUAL friends.

*hard work

*than

FFS. Sorry!

A sounds like an absolute nightmare. Don't invite her, don't adjust your plans for her, in the long run you'll regret it.

Your friendship with A sounds shit, honestly, and I'm surprised she's lasted this long. You must be either very very kind, very very patient.... Or a bit of a mug.

That said, she can't come. Don't apologise, don't get drawn in, just shut it down. You've already had the conversation by the sounds of it. So don't get sucked into repeating yourself and having to defend yourself so a self absorbed drama queen can chip away at you.

Go out for a dinner with A instead that week. Just the two of you.

If you can be bothered. Personally I'd be taking a big step back. She's not listening to you and she doesn't care whether you're uncomfortable on your own birthday. She doesn't care about you as much as you care about her.

What age ware you all when the lies were told ? Just as you mentioned grown but group remains ?

I agree with pp. Just say that they wont budge in their opinion of A so she can't come. I'd be a coward and soften the blow by saying let's do pizza and film at mine just us but I fully understand if this is not an option for you. She sounds a bit of a pain tbh!

Sorry but A doesn't get to call the shots. You tell lies and hurt people, then you approach them one on one and be humble and apologise. You don't hijack the birthday of the one friend who has stood by you and tell her the people she has hurt should get over themselves. She is putting pressure on you. Arrange a party with your firends, tell A - sorry they are 'not over it' and offer to have a low key night out.

If A was a real friend, she'd back off and tell you she understands and to go enjoy yourself.

Your Birthday is already all about her.

Seriously, take the advice, tell her straight and go enjoy yourself.

She's really sucked you in, in the way an abusive partner does.

You don't owe her anything. She doesn't get to insist anything and if she strops, there's a MN expression that sums up your answer to her not liking it, "off you pop, then, cuntychops".

That's very shitty behaviour from A- it's your birthday, but things are to suit her?!

She's not listening to you and she doesn't care whether you're uncomfortable on your own birthday. She doesn't care about you as much as you care about her.

^ This! She may say that she’s changed but she doesn’t sound like a very good friend at all in this instance either. It’s your birthday so you should not be pressured by her to do something that you are uncomfortable with.

So she Hasn't changed at all then.

A still thinks Only of herself and thinks hers needs are more important than any or all around her and still strops when she doesn't get her own way. She obviously thinks her wants trump yours!

She has no guilt about her previous behaviour because if she did she would be ashamed to put those involved in a position of having to socialise with her, she doesn't seem to care at all about how her behaviour affected anyone involved.

Out of interest what lies did she tell?

To be honest A sounds like a bit of a drama queen who always thinks of herself first. If she's the kind of person who might "get a drink into her and either cause drama or just stand there and draw the eyes off everyone." I wouldn't want her there anyway. Sounds like a lot of stress and unnecessary angst on what should be a fun night out.

If you want to maintain your friendship I'd offer an alternative night out with you and A for your birthday but otherwise stick to the plans sans A.

Thanks for the replies everyone! I was honestly fully preparing for “you are a terrible friend” replies 😂

Okay to answer some questions we all started out being friends when we were 13 and basically grew up together. The I think from recollection were told around the age of 15..We are now entering out 30s so it’s a fair amount of time went past. However, like I said given the lie that could have damaged another friends life I can understand why he doesn’t want to look the road A is on. However, like I said I wasn’t friends with A at that time and didn’t become friends to much later on in life kinda looked at it with the view of she may have changed and to be fair she’s never lied to me.

I am a very patient person, it’s been commented on that it takes a lot to push my temper as I tend to not beat around the bush when things are a miss so tend to nip things fairly in the bud early on, I also would like to think I am really kind person with a big heart for people who have stood by me through things like an abusive relationship (which cost me some friendships unfortunately) and other things life has thrown at me over the years.

I totally agree she’s making it about her and that’s what I’m worried about and why I don’t want her there. I fear she’d cause drama.. When I started talking about ideas for it last year I spoke about DP having the possibility of being child free and going on holiday and she jokingly said she’d come too.. I did shut this down explaining that if we went, there would be no invitations to anyone else including A, as DP and myself get very little time to ourselves and would probably find ourselves in the middle nowhere with no phone signal so no one could get a hold of us haha!

She is hard work, I have found myself repeating the same advice to her throughout our years of friendship and I disagree with her on a lot of things. I know she’s had the definition of a hard life but I feel like she uses this as an excuse rather than armour and fire to push through. We are very different on nature, by all means even after everything I’ve been through I still try to see the positives/ silver linings and the good in things as I can’t bear to let that sort of attitude consume me.

I would be heading out on the Friday and I’d be more than happy for A to come along as it will just be meal, drinks and probably —most likely— end with karaoke 😂😂

“Off you pop cuntychops” honesty has won the Internet for me tonight 😂😂 thanks @birdsgottafly

Ahh thought it might be when you were all young. So I think it is your birthday and so A should be gracious and think of you and that regardless of the rights or wrong it would be an uncomfortable night. Birthday night is not the right time for reconciliation !!!

As a by the way I obviously don’t know the lie but in terms of lying it seems A has put it behind her and would it kill the gang to meet up on another occasion.

Otherwise if you enjoy A company you have made a good job of being friends with all and if she is too annoying try and take a step back. Think you have this difficult situation covered !!

@Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom unfortunately I think that’s true.. if she had apologised at any point I think that would have softened the hatred..

Erm, without being too outting it involved one friend nearly having the police arresting him. It blew up massively... and a few friends involved in the defence of him and thus, the hatred kinda spread like wildfire as it does. There’s a few rumours she lied about having cancer too. I don’t know all the ins and outs of that one, I thankfully missed that drama.

Given that it was a boy the lie was told about and could have affected his entire life, I'm guessing it was in the arena of sexual assaults or rape. If that's right, then no, it's not appropriate for her to be there with him even if it was 15 years ago.

She sounds charming! And I’m guessing the lie was something revolving making up that your friend had raped her. Either way that really is a potential life ruiner and no amount of time could make you forget that, especially with no apology at the time! Focus on your true good friends and tell her they don’t want her there and as it’s your birthday you don’t want the drama. I would offer something for you two to do that doesn’t take up too much time and keep DO there (so pizza night like pp said) I find situations easier to bare with my DP there as he’s good at making convo so I don’t always have to

Good luck!

@icouldwriteabook it was unfortunately in that arena. Due to that, everyone jumped to the guys defence (I wasn’t around at this time too busy with my first real BF 😂) and yeah, wildfire hatred. The guy is honestly the nicest bloke you’ll ever meet, even now he’s very similar to myself in the term of tempremant and kindnes, I have for as much as we’ve knocked heads over the years, have a special place for him in my life and I genuinely don’t want to put him in a position of feeling angry/uncomfortable.

I have no issues with conversation with her, unfortunately (fortunately) on the day of my actual birthday my family are joining us and it’ll be dinner out with them. DP has yet to meet her due to how little time we do get out but I’m sure his way of dealing with it would be how many beers could he have to drown out women folk talk 😂

People don’t have to forgive and they are not obliged to spend time with someone.

Friends A does not seem to be considering you or others in this as others here have said. Your birthday gathering is not the time or place for this.

By the way, has she admitted it was a lie, or has everyone just concluded that?

I think I’d feel differently if A had tried to make amends with these other people. Eg spoken to them honestly and asked for forgiveness and apologised.

It doesn’t sound like this has happened. So I would do what works best for you. Make your plans without her.

@chasedbybees I definelty agree it’s not the time for reconciliation nor do agree with throwing sausages in the pan and watching it go. When I brought it up she got angry and said “ffs all of its in the past, why can’t they let it go. Mean essentially, they are hanging onto a grudge and to what means? That I am excluded from everything you do?” I’ve even introduced her to newer friends who have ended up disagreeing with her on things or have seen the position she puts me in when it comes to things like this or have been on the end of her childish moods and she’s simply said fudge them basically. So she’s burning bridges even if I try to keep her in some form of social circle 🤷🏻‍♀️

You will just have to decide who you want more on the night out.

I would not get over being falsely accused of assault, nor would I spend time with someone who had form for doing so and for continued lying.

Who knows what that person will say next?

Having said that, women are routinely not believed when they allege sexual assault and people usually back up the perpetrator. Do you know that A lied?

If you want to continue being friends with both groups you will just need to keep them separate. Not all of my 'circles' overlap.