Another friend situation. I’m stuck in the middle!

[Deleriumdreamer]

Okay, so I’ve not posted much but I’m really stuck. I’ll try not to drip feed.

So, in a few months time it’ll be my birthday - nothing of great importance but I rarely get out due to having a lot of commitments. I’ve begun making plans (forward planning and giving advance notice for friends with commitments and obviously myself and DP needs to make arrangements for kids/dogs/life essentially) and I have a friend let’s call her “A”. A made a number of stupid mistakes years ago and told many a harmful lies and (in general) just some down right crappy lies in which, some of these lies could have been damaging to someone else’s reputation/life going forward.. I didn’t really know A then she was just a friend of a friend. So since then we’ve obviously all grown but the same group of friends remains. We don’t regularly do stuff but for birthdays/events as you do, we descend and go out.

The problem comes from the fact that people years ago because of the severity of the lies can’t find a way to get over it. This means A is excluded from many things. She has sensed this and has brought this up to me and I tried to explain that issues from the past prevent me from including A in the group that goes out. She has pointed that its the past, people change and they are holding grudges and honestly, given the lies I don’t know if I personally would get over it. Don’t get me wrong A and myself are close but I have my own issues around in a in the regards that (please don’t shoot me down in flames for this lol) I find A a drain on my energy if I spend too much time with her. I do not mean this in a nasty way as I do care for her but she has a tendency to look at things in a continuous negative way, everything is crap, people are crap etc etc. She also has a tendency to point fingers at others and go in childish moods over stupid things (I have seen this side a few times in our friendship) and when I’ve called her out on this then I simply get the “you don’t understand” urgh, the list goes on.

Anyway! Since it’s been brought up time and time again that A is insisting she wants to be included in my plans and that the others wouldn’t create an atmosphere because it’s my birthday and should essentially “get over themselves” for the sake of me.. this fills me with absolute dread. The idea of running between two friends groups or worse, having her get a drink into her and either cause drama or just stand there and draw the eyes off everyone.. well, it fills me with “never mind let’s cancel the birthday plans” kinda dread. I’ve considered even doing one night with A and a few friends and DP and then another night out with the regular group (DP and myself would be going out on Friday night regardless as we’d be childfree) but then A really has burned a lot of bridges and the friends who would be around A happily are few and far between so it won’t look like much of a “celebration” and then my worry is if anyone tags me on social media on the next night it A might get the hump and I can not deal with the childish mood/fall out from it.

I know it’s almost a certainty that A coming along to the main plans simply can’t happen because I can’t see it going well for friends who were on the other side of the lies would simply drop out of plans as soon as she’s mentioned and considering I’m a lot closer to the main group of people too.. I don’t know what’s right.

AIBU? WWYD?

As *Elspeth said She's not listening to you and she doesn't care whether you're uncomfortable on your own birthday.

Consequences ripple through life. Some of the time the ripples get smaller and disappear over time, but some things are just so big that the ripples won't smooth out in your lifetime and even if you're young when it happened, you just have to live with that.

Has she actually admitted she lied, or is it just nobody believes her?

That did cross my mind too thedowager

That doesn't actually change the fact that the friendship isn't quite working right obviously but are you definitely sure she lied or did she just stop talking about it because the whole group turned on her?

I'd have my birthday with my friends...and be firm with A and say she can't come, you don't want to risk drama because of her upsetting alot of people in the past...say if she is willing you will go for birthday lunch with her, if she doesn't want to then you understand...

The fact that you mention feeling dread at the thought of it shows you don't want her there...just say no...if you can't physically say it to her, send it in a text , that way you can phrase it how you want it to be without her interrupting you

She is pretty much trying to alienate you from anyone that doesn't like her. Does she have any good qualities?

@Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom

"So she Hasn't changed at all then."

That is exactly what was running through my head too. She sounds rather callous and dismissive of what she did, and I wonder OP, if she ever truly apologised to those she hurt? If she hasn't even tried, I can understand why they'd still be upset.

I personally would not be around her at all ever - she sounds toxic at minimum and dangerous if you do end up crossing her. I fail to see what the friendship brings you.

Has she said she was lying or is that a conclusion you've all reached?

It doesn't seem like you have much in common with her. Why did you befriend her knowing all this anyway?

Morning everyone! Okay, essentially I can’t tell you all the ins and outs or it will be outting however, it was found out she had omitted about what had lead the the police nearly questioning the other person involved.

She has neither confirmed or denied what she did to me because it’s never been a subject that got brought up as when all this went down I wasn’t as involved in the friends group due to being for the lack of a better word infatuated with my first boyfriend 😂 so I spent more time with him, his family and his friends so essentially missed all the drama.

To be honest, I’ve always had different friends groups and found it’s a thing more so in my life but that lot will always be my “base” group of friends and I know if crap goes down one word and all of them would turn up at my door or would help in whatever way needed.

Admittedly over the last couple of years I have taken steps back from A there has been several reasons for this. I suppose I don’t know what I get from it, A has always been an unwavering friend and regardless of everything A is another person who would have your back when the crap hits the fan. When things are going better for A, she has the same attitude of me and it was one thing that we always had in common, our resilience. Im not sure what we have in common now but I used to really admire her but being so defeatist continually gets tiring.

I’ve known too many As in my life, unfortunately. She wants everything to be about her and cannot bear not being involved. She doesn’t get that her actions had long-term consequences and is now simply bored with said consequences. Even before you said as much, I could mentally hear her whining ‘Oh God, are they still going on about THAT?!’

She wants to make this into your other friends’ fault for not forgiving her behaviour, rather than her fault for behaving that way in the first place. She’s trying to tell you that it will be fine if she comes because your friends would never cause a row on your birthday... when in fact that’s exactly what she’s hoping would happen, so she can paint them as the terrible friends who ruined your birthday, rather than her being the one who invited trouble by forcing her way in when she wasn’t wanted. Next it would be ‘Don't worry about them; you’ve got me. I’m your real friend’. Then you end up needing her as much as she needs you. Manipulative, manipulative, manipulative.

If you still want A in your life, be upfront and tell her that she’s burned her bridges with these friends and that, whatever you feel about their decision, they don’t want her around and you’re not going to force them to spend time with her. Tell her you’re happy to see her one-on-one, but that it isn’t your job to facilitate a reconciliation with these people and that, if she wants to widen her social circle, maybe she should try making some new friends.

Or you could take Option B - ditch her. Realise that the reason she doesn’t have a social circle of her own and has to try to work her way into yours is because she’s a nightmare who hasn’t grown up since she was a 15 year-old telling damaging lies.

Tell her that it is not your responsibility to build bridges between her and your other friends.
If she wants to be included then she needs to get in touch with them and apologise properly. It has nothing to do with you.

A sounds draining. You're not obligated to help her make new friends or join new friend groups.

The lie she made is not something that could be easily forgiven, especially when it's something that could ruin someone's reputation. That's just terrible. For her to not apologize and to expect these people to just "forgive" her because "it's in the past" is unbelievable.

Are you sure she had never lied to/about you, OP? I'm suspicious.

If you really still want to remain friends with her, I would just invite her on Friday night, but not to the actual party. It's your birthday party FFS, why do you have to accommodate her?

@Deleriumdreamer But has she apologised to those people?

I tend to not beat around the bush when things are a miss so tend to nip things fairly in the bud early on
Hmmmm.....i would disagree with that based on I have found myself repeating the same advice to her throughout our years of friendship

She's still immature/childish, manipulative, uncaring, unsympathetic needy and demanding.
She's still got you wrapped around her manipulative little finger, running around taking responsibility for her feelings and social life.
She brings nothing positive to your life and despite being a lifelong 'friend' even your dp has never met her!
To be honest i wouldn't allow a toxic and dangerous liar like her near any of my friends or family.

I think you should just be honest with yourself about her place in your life....and ditch her.

Sorry I am going out with these friends on that night to celebrate my birthday.
We can do lunch on this day if you wany by way lf celebration.

(That is assuming you want to). Personally I would have no time for someone who had lied like that whether I was close to them at the time or not.

Keep her separate. Friend A is out of order.

She sounds like a nightmare and if it were me I would dump her. I've known several As, they don't get better, they get worse.

I'd definitely stand my ground about the night out. I wouldn't invite her to anything else as I'd be looking to end the friendship, but if you want to then I think the karaoke is an excellent idea.

As we now know the nature of the lie I can see why they don't want to reconcile, it must have had profound and lasting effects for the boy involved. In the street I grew up this happened to a boy and he was never the same afterwards I wasn't party to all the drama but there was a police investigation and as the girl was fostered lots of social work etc. It was found to be lies but bit late by then.

So, you've known all friends as close friends before becoming friends with' A'? So 'A' will upset the equilibrium of the group, don’t invite her. Dont make any further mention of your plans, if it leaks out, say your friends took you out for a surprise bash.

Got to be honest though, your friends really hold a grudge , a 20 year grudge. What ever she did must have been baaaad! On the other hand, she sounds like hard work, seriously hard. Do you get any thing out of the friendship or could you let it slide?

SalemtheBIackCat as far as I’m aware, no. I think if A had went with a bit of humbleness and apologised I think they all.. “settle” is the wrong word but I can’t think of anything else right now 😂

@TooDamnSarky I have spoken about her rebuilding bridges in the last, she says she’s reached out to people (which is just trying to add them on social media) and nothing has worked. But she’s never tried to write out an sincere apology along with reaching out. There’s no point trying to extend a “olive branch” into a thorny bush you created. But I think she does have a problem with not being liked. She’s told me “they simply haven’t accepted my add so I TRIED” rolls eyes