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Original poster

To ask how to 'restart' having sex?!

32 replies

RupaulsGagRace · 27/01/2019 22:14

Posting for traffic, NC'd as i really rather not link this issue with my normal name for fear of friends finding out! (Been here since penis beaker, mexican house thief and my personal fave - sistine chapel screamer!)

In a nutshell;
DH and i been together over a decade. Im early 30s, as is he, married and now have a wonderful 10 month old.
Last time we had sex was on his birthday in August 2017.
Yes. Well over a pissing year ago!
When i was around 10 weeks pregnant. Up until i got pregnant we having sex around once a week ish...then i had HG and as i started to progress in my pregnancy, and babys head started to get more engaged, it was a no go.
Then i gave birth last april and we are YET to have sex. Forceps birth with a cut so a couple stitches,all fine and dandy since maybe 6 weeks PP.

Wtf do i do? I do want it. As does he. We both seem to want it at different times. I feel a bit embarrassed of my body still, he loves it though. I cant bear the thought of him touching my breasts as i BFed up until 4 weeks ago. I just cant see my boobs as a sexual place! Baby is still in the cot in our room. I just dont know how and where to start. I feel weird! I feel like a proper mother and i think ive forgotten how to be just me!

HELP!

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 27/01/2019 22:18

No help here, sorry but am in not too dissimilar boat and also seeing inspo.

Original poster
RupaulsGagRace · 27/01/2019 22:23

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut
Glad im not alone! I just dont know where/how to begin.

OP posts:
DinoGreen · 27/01/2019 22:24

IMO it's one of those things where you have to just do it. You build it up in your mind as this massive thing and as soon as you do it you'll remember and all will be fine. DH and I had a similar length drought. We talked about it and just decided we had to get it over and done with, a few glasses of wine helped. Good luck!

Slothcuddles · 27/01/2019 22:24

When you are in bed, just roll over and ask for a kiss, if he just gives you a peck, say no a proper one. Then hopefully when you start getting into the kissing, and hands start wandering, you will both get turned on, and the rest is history as they say.

I feel for you though. I’m a sexually person and I would be in tears if this was happening to me.

underneaththeash · 27/01/2019 22:27

Move the baby?
and as PP have said just relax and have a cuddle and see.

ItsMEhooray · 27/01/2019 22:29

Maybe start as if you're teenagers again? Lots of kissing, touching and let it progress over a course of days/weeks. You don't have to go straight from sex drought to banging doggy style or anything.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2019 22:30

You are making WAY too much of everything. It's like riding a bike, you've just got to jump on.

Original poster
RupaulsGagRace · 27/01/2019 22:31

Ah great advice so far. Thank you for taking the time to respond!
DinoGreen wine is a good shout. A few months before i fell pregnant we both had a bottle of wine (he NEVER drinks wine) and ended up having sex on the stairs as we couldnt even make it to the bedroom...i cant believe id forgotten that!

Slothcuddles im a really (well used to be) sexual person too. I just dont know how its got this bad. A few times DH has given me the look and suggested and ive told him to F off (jokingly) as i felt shitty and vile and yucky. I hate my figure at the moment though. Im wondering whether thats subconsciously playing a massive part in this.

OP posts:
Original poster
RupaulsGagRace · 27/01/2019 22:33

@Aquamarine1029 i know, even reading my OP i can see im making too big a deal of it and just need to get out of my head.
Agh. I think i need to knock back some cheap rosé dutch courage and get on it!

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 27/01/2019 22:37

Ah bless you. I’m sure other will have better ideas but honestly I think you just have to go for it, get back on the horse and all that. The idea built up in your mind will always be more complicated than the reality. The way you talk about your DH is so lovely, you obviously love each other and are attracted to each other, he sounds kind and respectful. You couldn’t ask for a better set up. I think just take a deep breath and go for it, it’ll only be the first time once.

BettyBigBollocks · 27/01/2019 22:54

I was in this very same boat until November just gone OP. Well over a year without sex following pregnancy/birth. I just didn’t feel sexy even though I wanted sex.

We kept trying to plan nights where we’d do it but it all felt too organised and weird and I was so tense that it was too painful.

One night we had a few glasses of wine, which we don’t normally do and started talking about more adventurous times, one thing lead to another and we were doing it on the living room floor 😂 Things have been pretty much back to normal ever since, only sometimes thwarted by a toddler crying in the night!

MiggledyHiggins · 27/01/2019 22:56

We had similar - I had a mental block after birth to be relaxed enough for it not to hurt. So we abandoned any attempts. During the pregnancy it was partly that we were terrified we would jeopardise the pregnancy (PFB's after long infertility)My body changed utterly - I felt more womanly and sexy, but also on another level, just insecure and different. All in all it was about a year of celibacy for us.

Anyway, a very patient DP, who made a point of saying that the evening we planned was about non-specific intimacy rather than focusing on consummation and if we never shagged that night it was still all fine between us. Best friend suggested an oil based lube like vaseline in addition to the regular stuff (but don't use oil based if using condoms!! and a good bottle of wine and we succeeded in getting back on the horse again.

OrigamiZoo · 27/01/2019 22:59

Could you start with just stroking eachother whilst listening to some nice calming music and be clear it is just stroking, to get the excitement back?

Then just kissing and stroking ....

Then just full on thrusting lovely shaggin? Grin

I'm clueless as haven't had sex in 8 years whilst in a 'relationship'.....

The fact you both still fancy eachother helps!

Crockof · 27/01/2019 23:09

I've not read replies but my answer is alcohol. Can you get DC babysat for a night and just get lasjefy

smurfy2015 · 27/01/2019 23:11

In no particular order, slowly and sensually, tease each other a lot, rub up alongside each other and gently touch bits, kiss, feed each other, laugh, cuddle,

Its longer than you since I had p in v sex with my partner but we are able to be intimate in many other ways.

Our slow and stop came about due to his repressed memories bubbling to the surface and his need for counselling then an increase in my pelvic and endo pain but there are ways around it,

Keeping communication open is a big one and no pressure on either of you for it to happen any particular time scale, it will happen xo

BeanTownNancy · 27/01/2019 23:17

Can you offload the baby for the night? Nothing is a bigger turn-off than worrying that the baby is about to interrupt.

Then put on something that makes you feel pretty, and crack open the wine.

PatPhoenix · 27/01/2019 23:22

On another thread like this, someone said they wore something that was reasonably covering up (like a t-shirt) to help them relax into it. Agree also with loads of snogging and just full body contact - lovely. It sounds like you will definitely get there. I would do a flowers emoticon if it wouldn't probably come out as a glitterball or something (no idea what's happened to the emoticons on here).

pinkdelight · 27/01/2019 23:23

You could go the slow and sensual route... or you could just have a quickie over the sink to get the ball (as it were) rolling. No biggie, no pressure to de-stress or get worked up - no time to start getting freaked out about boobs/baby connotations or any of that. Just get it on, get it done and then you're back in the game (and likely had a bit of fun on the way). Minimum pressure is best after that long a build up, and with a baby around. I'd work towards getting your room back asap too. You've done your bit but now you need to get your relationship back on track in that department.

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 23:30

Been here since penis beaker, mexican house thief and my personal fave - sistine chapel screamer!

I really need to spend some time in Classics....

From a male pov, having sex with a pregnant woman freaks a lot of men out.

You need to go back to basics and build intimacy, kisses, cuddles. An overwhelming proportion of men see breasts as a sexual organ (ofc they aren't) and breastfeeding is another thing that freaks men!

Baby in the room is another!

It sounds like this is your first baba? If so, and that you pushed them out your fanjo is likely the thing that freaks men out the most.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's thinking your body is too delicate. I felt the same after DD was born and took us about 18 months to fully get back into the swing of things. We found building up from kissing/cuddling/massage to touching, full focus on foreplay for a while (we found getting to the stage of DP having orgasms was a catalyst), then introducing various toys, to PIV. But it wasn't easy, I was absolutely terrified of hurting DP, and found it hard to establish the thought process it was completely ok to touch her vulva, vagina, clit etc etc. Another thing that helped was DP encouraging me.

Sorry that's extremely disjointed ConfusedBlush

RCohle · 27/01/2019 23:30

Have you had a chat with him about it? Maybe say how you feel about your boobs (I felt totally the same way for a while) and tell him you want to keep your bra / top on, or just that you'd prefer he not touch them. It might make you feel more comfortable if you can relax knowing you're on the same page about it.

On the other hand, get a bit boozed and just go for it. Once you're back in the saddle (snort) I'm sure it'll be totally back to normal.

Falo · 27/01/2019 23:32

Yeah....this is what alcohol was made for

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 23:36

Prior to DD we were extremely active, sex being a cornerstone in our relationship and talking since (DD is 19 now) we were both in the position of tearing our hair out as we couldn't equalise just how sex literally disappeared overnight. Communication really does help, and we were back to normal service within 18 months.

One key thing is DP saw herself as a mother =/= being a sexual being, and I saw her the exact same way.

Good luck and I wish you much fun Wink

SimplySteve · 27/01/2019 23:39

have a quickie over the sink

Wait what?! The sink?! Hmm....!

Charles11 · 27/01/2019 23:48

Get the massage oils out and put in some music. You don’t have to be in the bedroom. Put a blanket down in the living room give each other a massage and see where it leads. No pressure.

canonlydoblue · 27/01/2019 23:48

Send the baby to the grandparents for the night, drink a lot of wine and jump your husband.