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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect more for birthdays?

39 replies

hangrymum · 27/01/2019 21:24

I realise I'm at risk of sounding like a bit of a knob here and I wonder if I am just being a bit immature so here goes....

I am a grown up. I have recently had a birthday and it got me thinking a little bit about what I expect my grown up birthdays to be like and the reality of them.

I've had some pretty underwhelming birthdays in recent years. Last year was spent taking DC's to a soft play centre for the day whilst my DP did who knows what somewhere else. The year before that DP and I had a table booked for dinner. Twenty minutes before we were due to leave DP announced be 'couldn't be bothered' so I drove to a friends for the evening instead because I was dolled up with nowhere to go. Another stella year he asked me to take down the cards from family and friends because they were making him feel guilty that he hadn't got me anything. This year we made it out to dinner (an improvement). I don't expect presents but he still hadn't even written me a card. I spent all day trying to deal with the DC's, again DP was nowhere to be seen even though he was at home. The DC's had made their own cards which were beautiful and my DD had prepared a dance for me which I loved but they had done this on their own, no help from DP. They're only young.

I feel like a spoilt brat for feeling hard done by and my DC's always make my birthday memories the best but should I expect more from DP? He works really hard and provides for us. He can be really hard work though. All I really want to do is drink tea, read my book and let someone else deal with the DC's for a change. What do other adults do for their birthdays? AIBU to expect a bit more or should I grow up and realise that adult birthdays are actually just ordinary days with a little extra reminder that we're getting older?

Be honest, I think I need some perspective on this.

OP posts:
BarkerBump · 27/01/2019 21:30

I spent my birthday last year watching GBBO in my pyjamas while my DP was working away.

That being said, he made sure a card was here the morning of my birthday and called me to wish me a happy birthday. I think I'd have been rather upset if he'd done precisely nothing to acknowledge the event.

user1474894224 · 27/01/2019 21:31

Bless you. We don't ask for much. Have you actually told him? Some men need you to spell it out....not just once but a few years till they get it. Next year a couple of weeks before your birthday you tell him he needs to take the kids out to get you a card and presents. The week before you tell him he needs to decide what he's doing with the children on that day as it's your birthday and have booked a haircut and lunch out.....(do not stay in....he might not step up.....you could always book a cheap Travelodge room for the day and have a bath and read your book).

SarahET · 27/01/2019 21:31

Aww, happy belated birthday.

A card is an absolute minimum! We don't go overboard but will go for a nice meal or day out without kids and a smallish present. Deciding he couldn't be bothered to go out for a meal is pretty harsh. What do you do for his birthdays? I know people are different but do think you should feel a little special on your birthday.

user1474894224 · 27/01/2019 21:31

....sorry should also add you dd sounds adorable making you a birthday dance.

NoShelfElf · 27/01/2019 21:33

Does he have an issue with birthdays? What do you do for his birthday? Might be time to make plans without him, at least you won't get stood up.
Happy birthday by the way Thanks

CocoLoco87 · 27/01/2019 21:33

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I think sometimes (i don't know in your case) it shows a lack of respect and appreciation that someone wouldn't even bother to write a card or do something nice. If he'd been thoughtful to give you a day off from the kids then the card might not matter.

Maybe next year go out for the day with a friend and then he'll have to have the kids?
Happy belated birthday FlowersWineCake

IAmWonderWoman · 27/01/2019 21:33

Your DP sounds useless and uncaring. So he works hard, doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate what you do. He sounds thoughtless.

Slothcuddles · 27/01/2019 21:35

It varies, some years I’ve had just a card and meal and then like this year we are going abroad for a week. But the going away didn’t start to happen until the dc were older.

starshollow1 · 27/01/2019 21:35

Your DP sounds like a knob. As for asking you to take down your other Cardenas they made him feel bad....I'm actually Shock Happy birthday OP. Oh and show him this thread. Idiot.

RightOh · 27/01/2019 21:35

If he's never made any effort and you've never told him that you'd like him to make effort, then YABU.

My DH wasn't very thoughtful birthday-wise (but is wonderful in every other way) as he doesn't give any fucks about his own.

I told him I did give two or three fucks, and he could 1) buy a card and a small gift or 2) book a restaurant I like or 3) think of a surprise himself.

He's amazing now. Cards, gifts, and last birthday a surprise city break to Portugal.

Your DH can't read your mind - he may not be being purposefully unthoughtful, he might just need some nudging!

Lavenderee · 27/01/2019 21:37

I don’t think it’s your birthday or your expectations that are the problem. It’s your selfish partner. Give his birthday the same consideration

VashtaNerada · 27/01/2019 21:37

YANBU. Why doesn’t he celebrate your birthday? Do you celebrate his? It’s really weird. That said, DH has short-term memory problems related to dyslexia and I have to remind him again and again to buy me birthday / Christmas presents. But he does get them and he would never cancel my birthday meal at the last minute.

Missbel · 27/01/2019 21:38

Happy birthday! Your children sound adorable, but your DP ought to be making a bit of a fuss of you on your birthday - a cup of tea in bed, some snowdrops picked from the garden? Tell him!

MrsKoala · 27/01/2019 21:40

I'd be really angry with my DH if I was dressed up and he then announced he couldn't be bothered to go out for a birthday meal we had planned. Different if he said he felt unwell and could we postpone. But just 'I can't be arsed' is seriously selfish and rude. I wouldn't be shy about telling him how I felt either.

Did you actually take your cards down too when he asked you? Because if my DH said something so selfish and childish i'd tell him to fuck off.

There's not giving presents and there's being a dick. He sounds like the latter.

starryeyed19 · 27/01/2019 21:40

Happy birthday! YANBU. Your husband is a dick.

C0untDucku1a · 27/01/2019 21:42

What an odd set of responses Shock

He clearly is deliberately sabotaging your birthday to make you feel like shit. Birthdays are our days. He is making it so you dont get a day to be special.

It sounds like he does bery little parenting and no being a good Partner but thinks earning money is enough and his only responsibility???

Miane · 27/01/2019 21:44

but should I expect more from DP?

You know the answer to this.

He works really hard and provides for us.

Yes but that the minimum any adult is meant to do for their family. It’s not a high bar of achievement.

I’m not precious about my birthday by any manner. DH travels for work and is sometimes away on the actual day. But I always get a gift and a card from him and one from the kids. There’s usually a family outing at the nearest weekend and a takeaway/ a meal out. Generally a birthday cake.

When the kids were small I’d get a lie in.

All the same things we do for my DH’s birthday.

Nothing fancy, complicated or massively expensive.

In a million years I wouldn’t have taken those cards down because he felt guilty.

I bet you are going to say you really push the boat out for his birthday aren’t you?

Dairymilkmuncher · 27/01/2019 21:44

What happens on his birthday?

Have you ever spoke about it?

I would also be disappointed ☹️ I do like to treat myself on my birthday and say it's from my DH but he's great with the cooking for me/doing everything for the kids on the day

MrsJayy · 27/01/2019 21:46

He is an arsehole I would ask why he can't be bothered to remember your birthday all you are asking is he remembers and makes a bit of effort, I bet it is you who remembers ALL the birthdays. Your husband thinks it is fine to be inconsiderate it isn't fine.

cestlavielife · 27/01/2019 21:51

Your dp sounds like a knob.
I bet it s not just on your birthday either that he sabotages things.
Is that the only day in a year you expect him to take care of the dc?

BackforGood · 27/01/2019 21:57

I think you need to talk to him about it, and how it makes you feel.

Some people do like to celebrate their birthdays and others genuinely aren't bothered / don't see it as something for adults to do at all.
I'm in the first camp, but I know people that aren't. Neither of us are right or wrong, but, if it is important to you, then tell him that.

Jamhandprints · 27/01/2019 22:00

I thought you were going to be a diva saying your present wasn't good enough...But I'm genuinely shocked that your DH is so mean. :-( I don't do much for my bday but I do like a cake, fowers ( even daffodils) card and family dinner out.

geekone · 27/01/2019 22:02

Your DP is a knobhead and you know it. Your birthday sounds like the least of your problems. My DH unusually gave me an IOU for my birthday new dog and a lot on over that time but I still got a card from him, DS and flowers from DS (bought by DH) and then was spoiled at Christmas because of the lack of birthday. Calling off 20 minutes before you are going out is a c*nts move. I bet you have other problems. I bet your birthday isn’t the only day your DH pisses off and leaves you with the DC.

JaceLancs · 27/01/2019 22:03

Birthdays are a big deal for all my family - despite no one being under 18 anymore
Minimum would be inviting family round for a meal or takeaway
Usually go out for a meal although it might be the nearest weekend rather than the actual day
Sometimes instead of presents we do a weekend away or go on holiday
I also expect to get cards off my nearest and dearest
You need to talk to him his response will tell you all

Skittlesandbeer · 27/01/2019 22:10

I wrote a one-page ‘how to celebrate birthdays’ for my DH. It included putting an alarm in his phone a month before the birthdays of his nearest & dearest.

And that’s a man who worked in a famous greeting card company for a decade!

By the way, I’m rather envious of you getting a bespoke birthday dance- how lovely!