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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect more for birthdays?

39 replies

hangrymum · 27/01/2019 21:24

I realise I'm at risk of sounding like a bit of a knob here and I wonder if I am just being a bit immature so here goes....

I am a grown up. I have recently had a birthday and it got me thinking a little bit about what I expect my grown up birthdays to be like and the reality of them.

I've had some pretty underwhelming birthdays in recent years. Last year was spent taking DC's to a soft play centre for the day whilst my DP did who knows what somewhere else. The year before that DP and I had a table booked for dinner. Twenty minutes before we were due to leave DP announced be 'couldn't be bothered' so I drove to a friends for the evening instead because I was dolled up with nowhere to go. Another stella year he asked me to take down the cards from family and friends because they were making him feel guilty that he hadn't got me anything. This year we made it out to dinner (an improvement). I don't expect presents but he still hadn't even written me a card. I spent all day trying to deal with the DC's, again DP was nowhere to be seen even though he was at home. The DC's had made their own cards which were beautiful and my DD had prepared a dance for me which I loved but they had done this on their own, no help from DP. They're only young.

I feel like a spoilt brat for feeling hard done by and my DC's always make my birthday memories the best but should I expect more from DP? He works really hard and provides for us. He can be really hard work though. All I really want to do is drink tea, read my book and let someone else deal with the DC's for a change. What do other adults do for their birthdays? AIBU to expect a bit more or should I grow up and realise that adult birthdays are actually just ordinary days with a little extra reminder that we're getting older?

Be honest, I think I need some perspective on this.

OP posts:

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/01/2019 22:11

You should not have to tell him.
He is being a prize arse. I hope you do fuck all on his birthday and lad him with the kids all day.
No one should have to be told to make a small bit of effort for a partners birthday, present a card or a day off duties etc. It's not hard, he is just lazy.

FlagFish · 27/01/2019 22:18

I’m not a big birthday celebration person, and honestly wouldn’t mind if DH forgot to get me a present (or even a card) one year.

However it would really, really upset me if we’d arranged to go for a meal out and I was all ready and dressed up and he said he couldn’t be arsed to go.

What a knob.

LeaveTonightordiethisWay · 27/01/2019 22:19

He is being horrible. Whether or not he thinks his own birthdays are important, regardless of how hard he works, he must realise that it is the norm to show your loved one your appreciation of them on their birthday?
I had issues with my ex about how he didn't put any thought into making my birthday special in some small way. It's not about money.
But even he would never have asked me to take my cards down or cancel last minute.
That is really quite cruel.

gebs · 27/01/2019 22:19

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think he needs a good nudge for next year! My husbands birthday is on xmas day, so always feels a bit 'missed' due to everything else going on and for the last couple of years have tried to spread it out a bit and buy an 'unexpected' present in the summer, he's used to not having his own day but I think you should always try and make birthdays a little special for loved ones

MaisyPops · 27/01/2019 22:22

I'm with flag. Also not a big birthday person here either but think he was a knob to cancel on your birthday meal.

The question for me is does he celebrate other adult birthdays? Does it expect a fuss over his? Depending on those answers would depend in how much I would expect.

MrsJayy · 27/01/2019 22:22

Your children sound adorable and thoughtful.

MrsPerfect12 · 27/01/2019 22:24

Aww I feel awful for you!

We do cards and gifts, birthday dinner with the family and cake. We also do a birthday date night.

drinkygin · 27/01/2019 22:27

Sorry op, your husband sounds like a selfish, unkind, lazy, spoiled, childish arsehole. Making you take your cards down! And cancelling your birthday dinner ten minutes before no excuse for this utterly mean behaviour. I know where I’d be shoving my birthday cards and it isn’t in the bin!!

ILiveInSalemsLot · 27/01/2019 22:34

We don’t do much for birthdays either. Maybe a token gift and a take away or a day out if it’s on the weekend.
From the examples though, your dp sounds uncaring and inconsiderate.
Thank goodness your dcs don’t follow his example, they sound fab.

Original poster

hangrymum · 27/01/2019 22:49

Wow thanks for all your responses.

He does have issues with his own birthday and specifically request that we don't celebrate his. We always do a little something to mark the occasion but if I'm being honest I genuinely think he'd prefer it if we didn't but the DC's like to.

With regards to telling him, I have to say I don't ask for anything these days really so actually I have to take some blame for this. I am definitely going to speak to him now though because my DD had big tears at bedtime because I hadn't had any presents to unwrap. Thanks for the nudge on this, I stupidly hadn't really thought about instructing him but I think he needs it now.

I've always said he's like living with two people. He can be wonderful but can also be a complete arse and theres no telling which person he'll be from one moment to the next. In the past (we've been together for a looooong time) he's made an effort for my birthday and on some years made a real fuss unprompted. I think my confusion boils down to the fact that I never know what to expect from him and in recent years its the arse whose surfaced more than Mr Lovely.

It's really interesting to hear that a lot of you just want the simple things and to be honest these days thats all I want, a bit of down time. I love the idea of booking a hotel room for the day to sleep, read and bathe. I think that's going to be me next year or maybe even Mother's Day or fuck it, one day this week!!!!

As for the occasion where he asked me to take the cards down I can confirm that I told hom to swiftly stick it between his bumflaps. The cards stayed up, I think he probably had a good sulk.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 27/01/2019 22:53

Hmm. So you are now saying that it is OK for you to completely go against his wishes, but that you think he needs to do what you would like to celebrate your birthday. That doesn't seem reasonable to me any more.

cestlavielife · 27/01/2019 22:56

...and When he is nice he is very very nice
But when he is not he is horrid ....
You need to consider how far you go to try to get Mr nice...it is not a way to live.
Book that hotel next week and start changing your behaviour ..call him out.
Don't accept mr horrid.
Do your dc live on eggshells too?

cestlavielife · 27/01/2019 23:02

..the dc want to celebrate the parents' birthdays.... in some way. Dad is a killjoy?
What do dc get on their birthdays?
If it s all communicated well then dc aren't going to cry over it....but you have the dd in tears because dd thinks mum has been treated badly with no gift?

Original poster

hangrymum · 27/01/2019 23:05

BackforGood Before we had DC's I left his birthday well alone but they get excited about it so I get them some cards to write and a few small presents to unwrap, sometimes we'll make a cake. We don't go out unless he asks to which on rare occasion he has (but more because something just happens to coincide with his birthday not so much because its his special day). I let him take the lead on it so maybe I should take the lead on mine too?

OP posts:

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