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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so angry

70 replies

secretnames · 27/01/2019 20:52

so my stepdaughter she's 12 and lives with me and dh her dad we got her a re-conditioned iphone 6 for christmas even though she only got and iphone 5s last christmas but anyway, she was over the moon

i go to make her bed on friday morning and there is a note in the middle of the made bed (she never does this) saying to santa only, so obviously i open it and it's a letter saying how she got the wrong phone she wanted a 6s and it's the wrong colour

i have seen red! now she has been at her mums this weekend but i want to take the phone off her i am sooooo angry, AIBU?

OP posts:

DointItForTheKids · 27/01/2019 21:28

Sorry, missed your update there OP.

I think then, what is it that's driving her wanting you to know it should have been a 6s?? Is it her mates or what?

Did she specifically ask for a 6s or had maybe hoped for a 6s and then realised she was disappointed with a 6??

If it was peer pressure stuff I'd say tell her to tell her friends that she's only just have a new phone last year and now she's already had another so that why she's not had a 6s. And you tell her, that most people don't get the latest phone very year because usually it takes 2 years to pay them off! She needs to understand how much they cost and that you're buying them on credit and don't even actually own the phone until it's all paid off - good education in how certain modern day financial arrangements work and how bloody expensive everything is. But there's no need to be unkind about it - yes she should be grateful, but she's a teen and will be largely living in a small little bubble where such things don't even appear on her radar - unless someone sensitively but firmly points them out.

DointItForTheKids · 27/01/2019 21:30

She could have been getting teased about it by some nasty kids, you just don't know so that's what you kinda need to find out. She's obviously trying to reach out in some way, thru Santa! It doesn't sound like she's been a brat about it, she appears to have done it quite delicately really. iyswim

elliesm98 · 27/01/2019 21:34

Do you realise it's illegal to open someone else's post!

EustaciaVye · 27/01/2019 21:34

I think you are getting a hard time here but you are also BU to be furious. She is 12.

She is a bit miffed to not get the model phone she wants. We can't get everything we want in life.
She is trying to explain to you - maybe in a way that won't cause a row or make her look ungrateful? Just explain that phone purchasing doesn't work this way.

If she wants to save up for an upgrade then eBay do some great refurbished phones- that's what my dd did when she wanted the next model up. She learnt that there isn't much difference between models and she spent her own money but she was still happy. Win-win

Ladyoftheloch · 27/01/2019 21:36

Just pretend you didn’t see it. It’s just 12 year old twattiness. Best ignored!

shiningstar2 · 27/01/2019 21:37

She's at an age where there is a lot of peer pressure at school. She was possibly originally delighted with her Christmas present then some not so nice child at school has pointed out its not the latest thing. When our daughter was that age many moons ago, we were up front in advance about what we could and couldn't afford. This managed expectations in advance. There are some very materialistic kids out there op and I hope your DSD hasn't been hurt by one of them. I would play it cool. You are probably irritated yourself that she seems to be discontent with a generous gift. I would be chatting, before next treat time comes up, possibly birthday, about how expensive life is and how hard you and OH have to work to make life pleasant for you all. In a matter of fact, not nagging way.

Chingling · 27/01/2019 21:41

Do you realise it's illegal to open someone else's post!

This isn't post.

2, It isn't.

The Royal Mail open thousands of letter to Santa each year.

squiggleirl · 27/01/2019 21:43

It’s just 12 year old twattiness. Best ignored!

This. Definitely this.

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 21:43

@3luckystars is the Specsavers post funny? If so, and you posted on/watched it, so can easily locate it... please can I have a link?

OP, she wanted you to read it. She's 12. She was thrilled when she first got it. Something more is happening here, and the sort of indirect, manipulative writing to Santa is because she's a kid.

Maybe she's spoilt. Maybe she's upset about something else and trying to hurt you and this was how she knew best. Maybe she's been given shit at school, because kids that age are brutally sheeplike, over having the "wrong" phone, and she's under the impression that having the right one will make her more popular? Awful, but possible: my son's old TA was fuming at having to replace his iPhone for him once, and when I blankly asked why he had to have an iPhone, when so many others work as well, but are loads cheaper, she said that it was the only acceptable one in secondary schools now, if peers aren't to mock. It could be all manner of things we'd not thought of. Remember what it's like to be a kid that age - this brutal social jungle, and one that goes on parallel to adult lives?

Don't blow your top. Talk to her. Find out what this is about. It doesn't sound like the phone itself can be the issue at hand.

CloserIAm2Fine · 27/01/2019 21:44

I would suspect some horrible kid at school has made nasty comments about her “only” getting a 6 tbh

You need to be the grown up and rise above it. It’s hard being 12. She’s not said anything negative to you or DH directly. There’s no need for you to act immature and throw a strop!

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 21:45

It was a very PA way to tell you she doesn’t like her present. Or rather that it’s not good enough.

It was done on purpose too, Obvioulsy hoping for a reaction (that she was fishing for).

I would see red too. She is 12yo!! Should have learnt to be grateful to get an iPhone 6, whatever type and whatever colour.

DointItForTheKids · 27/01/2019 21:45

Why assume it's 'twattyness'?

OP can't ignore it now as DSD has referenced her to as something is clearly on her mind. She hasn't had a massive strop and thrown the phone at OPs head!

SilverySurfer · 27/01/2019 21:46

Those going on about opening a letter not addressed to you, it was addressed to SANTA! Who the fuck do you think is going to open it if the OP doesn't?

OP, I would put it back on the bed and ignore it. She's 12, if she mentions it I suggest you tell her she can have whatever iphone she wants when she can pay for it herself. I would be angry too.

MitziK · 27/01/2019 21:47

Sounds like she wanted to say something, but was aware that she 'might' come across as a brat - an attempt at being tactful, but still saying what she felt.

I wouldn't go nuts at her, but explain that it just wasn't possible.

Wearywithteens · 27/01/2019 21:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

DointItForTheKids · 27/01/2019 21:48

Passive aggressive? What?! Hoping to find a way of communicating whatever the issue is or whatever she's going through, which she probably feels awkward about and wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic or felt worried that she's maybe asking about a 6s because of horrible kids at school, and thought of this way of doing it. I cannot for one second frame that as passive aggressive.

QueenieInFrance · 27/01/2019 21:49

she said that it was the only acceptable one in secondary schools now, if peers aren't to mock.
Seeing my two teens, I can confirm that this is NOT the case at all.
iPhone are nowhere near THE acceptable phone.
We actually have regular ‘discussion’ at home about Apple vs androids, my two dcs been adamant that android is better.

And actually I’ve also known quite a few either having no phone or a ‘brick’ until they were in Y9 at least.

Yabbers · 27/01/2019 21:49

Dear *. I got your letter, it’s a shame you don’t like your gift. If you box it up and leave it in the kitchen, I’ll be sure to pass it on to someone who would be grateful for it. In order to avoid any disappointment next year, I’ll not leave you anything.

Love Santa.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 27/01/2019 21:50

This seems to be the prevailing opinion but phones are the absolute be all and end all to teenagers. It’s important to them. That doesn’t mean you have to pander to it (my own children all moan about their iPhones being embarrassing and that “even the kids on benefits all have the latest iPhones!” - I just say we can’t afford them.)

Miane · 27/01/2019 21:51

Those going on about opening a letter not addressed to you, it was addressed to SANTA! Who the fuck do you think is going to open it if the OP doesn't?

Because sometimes people, especially teenagers, write things down in a cathartic way. Expressing yourself to Dear Diary or Santa as a way of working stuff through. It’s not necessarily for public consumption.

Miane · 27/01/2019 21:51

It may even have been a test of her privacy.

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 21:52

@QueenieinFrance that really comforts me, because I was appalled tbh. DH and I get whatever phone is good enough to do what we need it to, at the lowest cost, and I'm afraid my kids will have the same applied to them when they're older, too.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/01/2019 21:53

If it’s illegal or immoral to open letters from a kid to Santa, Christmas is going to take a very chaotic turn this year!

perfectstorm · 27/01/2019 21:56

@Skittlesandbeer - don't lots of kids send letters addressed to Santa to the Post Office every year? And get a response, too?

See! Santa's real.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 21:57

Get over yourself and ignore her 'letter to Santa'.

So, she's disappointed she didn't get exactly what she wanted. So what? I'm sure we've all been disappointed in a gift at one point or another. Some of us may even have (gasp) exchanged a gift to get the 'exact right thing'.

If she'd opened the box and thrown the phone across the room yelling "This is SHIT", I'd see that as a reason to take it off her. I assume that she didn't and even may have said 'thank you'. But just trying to see if she can get an 'upgrade'? Her 'method' would probably have made me laugh and think "Nice try, cupcake, but I don't think so".

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