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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's weird when friends don't ask you any questions about your life?

67 replies

papayasareyum · 27/01/2019 12:51

I've got a friend, known her for about thirteen years. Over recent months I've noticed that when we meet up, she doesn't show any interest whatsoever in what I'm doing. I ask her questions about her life, but she never asks me about mine. I'm retraining, huge career change which means a lot to me and she's never asked a single question about it. Is it normal for friends to show zero interest in your life and ask nothing about you? I kind of wonder whether she's just not interested in being my friend anymore and this kind of disinterest is an easier option for her than ghosting?

OP posts:

Freud2 · 27/01/2019 14:59

I agree with so many of these comments. This issue is annoying me more and more. I am a counsellor so obviously have to be good at listening and empathising but, out of work, it would be lovely for friends to show an interest in me as it sometimes feels it’s an extension of my work! There are exceptions of course but they’re few and far between.

villageshop · 27/01/2019 15:08

Interesting thread, and I empathise with lots of things being said here.

One thing I don't think has been mentioned is those people (me, sometimes) who hesitate to ask questions as I get the feeling if they wanted to tell me stuff about their life, they would, and it can feel intrusive to ask specific questions. I do all the time and then I end up apologising in a jokey way in case it sounds like I'm interrogating them. Then sometimes I find myself wittering on about stuff in my life as there doesn't seem to be much coming from them - no questions, interest etc. IYSWIM. It's a conundrum.

PinkPanther38 · 27/01/2019 15:09

My Mum is very much like this. Due to how far apart we live we only see each other in person 3/4 times a year, and when we meet she'll usually ask me how work is, not listen to my reply, then chat on about herself and her problems/dramas for as long as she wants to... Honestly, I put up with it because she's my Mum and I don't see her that much. If it were a friend I'd probably stop seeing them as often.

Oblomov19 · 27/01/2019 15:14

This woman isn't your friend. Well, not my definition of friendship.

I've known I was very self centred for a long time. I had a big problem quite a few years ago and was all consumed by it.
Later I realised how I must have appeared to others. And promised myself I'd never do that again.

I do now ask lots of questions of my friends, because I'm genuinely interested. Always make sure I do it in small talk with people I've just met too.

Loopytiles · 27/01/2019 15:16

It’s not you, OP, it’s her.

Reciprocity, including of showing interest in the other person, is important in friendships.

Acrasia · 27/01/2019 15:18

My Dad is like this. I Skype him once a week, because I live overseas and he never asks about my life. And if I do talk to him about something he manages to change the subject in a way I know he wasn’t listening in the first place. Now I just listen to him talk for an entire hour. I find it pretty tiresome, not sure I would put up with it from a friend.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 27/01/2019 15:18

I'm friends with someone who tends to talk about her life rather than mine unless I instigate the conversation,I am extremely fond of her though so I let it go

sheldonstwin · 27/01/2019 15:20

I have a work colleague like this. I know every detail about her children and her husband and her parents and her nanny etc etc....

But she wouldn't even be able to tell anyone IF I had a partner or IF I had children.

I just avoid her now.

Original poster

papayasareyum · 27/01/2019 15:26

it just doesn't feel like a close friendship without that reciprocal thing. Maybe thats why, despite knowing each other for over a decade, it still feels like quite a superficial friendship.

OP posts:

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 27/01/2019 15:30

My sister will occasionally ask me something only for the purposes of then banging on about her experience of whatever it is. I can’t stand it.

Clionba · 27/01/2019 15:35

It seems to be an increasingly common trait. I work in a team of 5, all in their mid thirties. They talk a lot about themselves. . One woman, who I've worked with for six years doesn't know the name of my husband or children, or what they do! I know everything about her!!

Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 16:00

She has zero interest in your life.. her attitude is not as unusual as you might think among supposed 'friends'

MontanaSkies · 27/01/2019 16:01

@papayasareyum yes, I agree! It doesn't feel like a friendship has much depth without that reciprocal interest in each other. I have friends I've only known for about a year who do take an interest, and I feel closer to them now.

@villageshop I do have some sympathy for this point of view. I'm sure lots of people are worried about seeming nosy, or don't want to pry into friends' lives. But I think if a friend is - like the OP - obviously excited about a new job or something, surely it's just natural to be interested and ask to be told more?

The pity is, I am fond of my friend and I'm pretty sure she wants to stay friends with me. She's started sending me postcards - sometimes several in quick succession - I think it's her way of showing she cares. But it makes me laugh - what a perfect form of communication for a person who's always on broadcast mode!

Unbias123 · 27/01/2019 16:10

1)The reality is most people are not interested. They wish you no harm. They would be concerned if you were having serious issues eg health but the reality is most people have more than enough worries of their own.
2) a harsher reality is people are perhaps more selfish. Their interests reside with themselves
3) a really harsh reality. You choose to be interested in your friends lives. That is your choice. They have no interest in yours. That is their choice. You are not bound to them therefore if you don't like it dump them. They are NOT going to change

Original poster

papayasareyum · 27/01/2019 16:10

an example: the other night I was talking in a group of three about a personal problem I've been having. I wanted to run it past my friends and see if they had any advice or ideas. She remained totally silent throughout the whole discussion. She didn't say a single word. I don't ask for advice or discuss problems with friends every time I see them, in fact I do it very rarely (I'm not a needy person, before anyone asks!) but when we'd finished talking, her silence felt almost like a criticism, if that makes sense? I felt like her total silence was her way of saying I shouldn't have discussed it and should stick to fluffy surface stuff only.

OP posts:

villageshop · 27/01/2019 16:21

I have a friend exactly like that Papaya, and over the years I've come to realise that she actually runs her whole life on that sort of superficial level. When her adult dcs have problems she just says she doesn't understand so they don't speak of it. She quickly brings every subject up to a superficial level by either saying nothing (which makes me feel like you describe) or says oh it'll be fine then starts down the road of yet another amusing (boring and inconsequential) anecdote.

It's very wearing and I've learned to keep to the light stuff when I'm with her and save talking about things that matter to other friends who are genuinely interested and have more to offer.

Clionba · 27/01/2019 16:27

As pp have said, it's not you, it's her. If you want to keep the friendship, just keep it superficial. Bear in mind she has no interest in you or your life.

AllSuits · 27/01/2019 16:29

My Dbil, is the same
I've known him for 17 years

My BIL and his wife are the same. In 9 years, not one question. So weird. I don't like them.

Original poster

papayasareyum · 27/01/2019 16:34

Bear in mind she has no interest in you or your life
I think I suspected that, but seeing someone else write it down has made it seem so obvious.

OP posts:

AnneAnAMouse · 27/01/2019 16:38

Fear of causing offence? I've been accused of prying when I was, as I saw, it being sociable. Now that person was a serial workplace bully while simultaneously being popular with her "crew". Nevertheless it's had an ongoing effect on my behaviour, weird as it sounds.

Oh and my mil takes offence at so much stuff I make sure to ask her NOTHING and share NOTHING while keeping the convo going: it's quite an art! Lol.

Bubba1234 · 27/01/2019 16:44

Yep have one of these.
It dsnt annoy me anymore I just say to myself aw that’s just the way she is..
I got awful news the weekend but I didn’t bother telling her as it would hurt to have her gloss over it and keep talking about herself so I just didn’t bother.
I moved house last year but she dsnt even know that yet can’t get a word in edgeways!
I like to be private so these types aren’t the worst for me

phpolly · 27/01/2019 17:04

I think the world is full of people like this, unfortunately. Most people are much more interested in their own lives that they are in other people's. I have plenty of acquaintances like that. My SIL lives in another country, so we see each other only infrequently, but when we do get together she is totally capable of spending literally hours with me talking about herself without asking one single question, while I've asked a million questions about what's going on with her. It obviously never even crosses her mind. Fortunately I also have lovely caring generous people in my life, as most of us do, so I guess it all balances out!

Openup41 · 27/01/2019 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

pintsizedblondie · 27/01/2019 17:12

My OH Mum and Step Dad are like this and it annoys the hell out of me. Never ask any questions about us or even feign interest in our lives, the Step Dad in particular is very rude with it and will only talk about things he wants to discuss. If we try and mention anything else it gets completely ignored and he just carries on talking like we haven't even said anything. Needless to say it's a big contributing factor as to why we don't spend much time with them.

Aaaahfuck · 27/01/2019 17:19

I understand what a few pp's have said about questions being interrogating. However you can ask more open questions. For example (from recent visit) how was your meal out recently? (they'd gone out for a birthday), how is work coming along on your house?

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