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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Intrested to see others opinions on what they would have done over winning some money and sharing

74 replies

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 11:30

I won some money about a year ago online however I split only 2 thirds of it between me my partner and some savings for my girls.
I kept 1/3 rd seperate as I regularly play online and obviously it cost me however much I’d lost before I won if that makes sense.
So I use the money I kept apart to still play and have not really won much more over the last year nor lost with it going up and down as with most gambling.
I never said I had won more at the time since I was not planning on sharing the other 3rd I though best was say nothing,
However it recently has come to light as we were going through and re checking bank statements etc for tax returns etc and the full figure was seen.
Now my my partner is not happy
So how would you feel?
And I will point out our money is totally seperate so I did not use any money that wasn’t mine to gamble in the first place.

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/01/2019 12:26

As you have separate finances i don't see that you had any moral obligation to share or even disclose your win. That you did share was a nice thing to do but your partner has taken that nice thing and converted it into an unjustified sense of entitlement. Seperate finances are seperate finances. As long as you are both meeting the household financial commitments you've presumably agreed to the rest of your money is your own business, and same for her.

Original poster

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 12:27

I make. I didn’t say the full amount I won’t deny that I just said I’d won the amount I was going to share though been a gambler I’d also assume that the person giving me money for free wasn’t going to give everything away anyway

OP posts:

needmorespace · 27/01/2019 12:30

what slithy said.
I can't see the problem if your partner didn't ask and you didn't say what you won?
obvs a problem if you lied to your partner but it doesn't sound like you did.
Did your partner expect an equal half share or third share?

HollowTalk · 27/01/2019 12:33

What would your partner do if she won something on the lottery? Would she split it with you?

Original poster

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 12:44

Well funny you ask if she expects more as she’s not really said that she’s just annoyed.
However I pointed out that I was initially going to not give her anything and only put in savings for the girls so whether she knew it was more or not would have made no difference to what I did with the money ultimately but I have admitted to her that I maybe should have said how much at the time.
I could have mentioned that when her car died I was the one that bought her the new one which I took the money I gave for it from part of my 1/3 that I’d kept.
As at the time she had just put her money into her new business so it was tight and luckily is going well now.

OP posts:

VeganCow · 27/01/2019 12:44

You havent done anything wrong. I dont gamble myself and have done the lottery on a handful of occasions, like once every year or so if there's a big jackpot. But even so, I can't understand everyone saying you have a problem, to divert focus away from your question. Gambling is legal, as is drinking. As a non drinker, I could say why don't you go a month without a drink and see if you can?

OP didn't hide it as such she just declared the amount she was sharing out which is kind and she didnt have to, could have kept the lot hidden.
If I sell something for a friend or family on my ebay account, I don't give them what I sold it for, I give them minus the paypal, ebay and postage costs. Which is almost 14% off the sale price.This is kinda the same. Take off what its cost you to win this amount, share the rest.

Original poster

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 12:44

Hollow. I don’t truthfully know

OP posts:

Original poster

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 12:47

Since I’m open about gambling I’m not sure truthfully if she ever does or not as it’s no issue to me either way.
I have seen her with the odd lottery ticket but never known if she’s ever won lol

OP posts:

Original poster

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 12:50

It’s intresting to see others opinions anyway and thankyou for any input

OP posts:

Passing4Human · 27/01/2019 12:57

FFS, not everyone who gambles is an addict in denial. If the OP sounds defensive it's probably because some of you are shouting "addict" at her whatever she says.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, but I don't assume that anyone on here who says they enjoy a few glasses of wine is in denial about a drinking problem and should give it up for a month to prove something.

My partner plays online poker OP and has done for many years. He has a limit for himself of a couple of hundred quid. Never goes over that and I trust him so don't feel the need to police it or even ask about it. If he won on that account I wouldn't expect him to share the winnings necessarily. It's just an activity he enjoys in the evenings sometimes when the kids are in bed. The argument some posters have used that the OP would be better to spend time with her children is really offensive, as is the argument that they are taking money that should be spent on the children. Using that logic, no activity that doesn't involve the kids should be allowed. Play golf at the weekends occasionally? You bastard, quit right now and get yourself down to soft play.

LovingLola · 27/01/2019 13:06

How much did you win??

cricketmum84 · 27/01/2019 13:07

@Maryjoyce I hear you. You enjoy gambling, you can afford to gamble. You can cope with the wins and most importantly the losses and aren't putting yourself into debt by gambling. I don't see an issue here at all.

I do think you should have told her the full extent of your win though and explained you were keeping a third back for future gambling funds.

Original poster

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 14:07

Lovinglola I didn’t say as I think the replies here could be even more varied depending on the amount that’s why I left it out.
As someone that is living on a basic wage would see a figure different to someone earning higher and so on

OP posts:

ChocOrCheese · 27/01/2019 14:20

My DH gambles every day. It's fine - he knows his limits.

If he said "Choc, I had a nice win. Here's £x" I would just say thank you. In practice he would probably tell me how much the win was but I wouldn't necessarily expect him to. Mostly if he has a nice win he will splash out on a treat for us to enjoy together. But the stake pot is always kept intact.

If I did not ask how much the win was, and if he did not lie about the amount but simply omitted to tell me, then I think I would be out of order if I got in a huff down the line on spotting a bank statement which showed the full amount.

Travisandthemonkey · 27/01/2019 14:22

Op spends £40 p/w on gambling which she enjoys.
How many people spend that on shoes or coffee or any other bloody hobby.
And that 2k initial stake is still there. Which she can afford

Jesus people.

The only thing I would have done differently is say the total amount and that a third is going back as your stake money.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/01/2019 14:22

I’m like this with my bonus

I share a bit and keep a bit . I worked for it and my efforts got it - and I have a family who deserve a share

Don’t think you did anything wrong

But I do the same?!

Guineapiglet345 · 27/01/2019 14:28

I wouldn’t have lied about the amount in the first place, it was fine to keep 1/3 to repay what you’d initially spent on gambling because if you’d never gambled then that’s money you would’ve had in the bank anyway but I think it depends on the amount, I won £100 on a gambling app with the free £25 they gave you for signing up, so it didn’t cost me anything and I kept the lot, but if it had been £10,000 I think that would be different.

Chunkymonkey123 · 27/01/2019 14:38

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. It was nice of you to give your partner any of the winnings considering the fact that you have seperate finances.

Maelstrop · 27/01/2019 14:40

You lied to your DP. No wonder she's cross.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/01/2019 14:57

Would you normally discuss how much youd won, or lost, or how much you have in the bank etc?

If you WOULD normally discuss all these details and in this instance, you didn't, then I can understand their upset.

However if you wouldn't normally discuss it, and as you say money is seperate anyway, then no, I don't think they are being reasonable!

People do need to give their heads a wobble about gambling though - it IS possible to gamble without 'having a gambling problem' and nothing you've said makes it sound like you have a problem!

Meralia · 27/01/2019 15:00

I don’t think it’s the gambling as such. You said upthread that you told your partner you won a different amount to what you actually had, so it is a lie. I can understand why you did it though. It’s your money, but, that may be why she’s cross, not the amount of the money, but the fact you lied about it.

user1471426142 · 27/01/2019 15:30

I can see why your partner is a bit worried. I think it depends on your financial situation, how much you ‘need’ to gamble and how you react when you lose it (and whether you’d keep sinking money into it). When I was on my grad scheme, there was a guy on it who was effectively a professional gambler but his parents were making him get a job. He used to work during the day and play poker every night. He made a ton of money until one day we were away on training he lost tens of thousands and was utterly distraught. He couldn’t handle a loss that big and it was really worrying to see. He told everyone he was going to borrow money to keep playing to make his money back. I always wonder what happened to him.

Londongirl79 · 27/01/2019 17:17

So you let your partner believe you’d given all your winnings to herself & your children’s & kept none for yourself!
But that wasn’t true?

mindutopia · 27/01/2019 17:26

I think that sounds fine if you generally keep finances separate. Honestly, my dh and I have been together for 10 years, and I only really knew how much he earns this year. Combined we earn nearly 100k so we are not struggling (though have in the past when we were younger and students). But unless we were really hard up for money and one of us claimed not to have any but did, surely it wouldn’t really matter. My dh invests in things without my knowledge (has made a lot of money but lost some as well). I pay into my pension accordingly without informing him and make other final decisions independently. That’s surely what you do when you have separate finances.

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