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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let dd1 watch netflix and cause ww3 with dd2

27 replies

Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 10:39

ok so I posted here for traffic and its not necessarily an AIBU but more, WWYD what should I do?

DD2 is waiting to be diagnosed with autism. if you see my previous post you will see we have difficulty with her behaviour, last time I posted she was fighting with DH

dd2 likes baths but will have a shower but doesn't like them as much. normally I make sure theres enough time for her to have a bath but today we all need to shower quickly before an unexpected trip to my mums. I asked her to go and find some clothes for me to iron whilst she has a shower. she moaned about having to shower and then because she was in a bad mood she told her sister to go away (go out of the bedroom) but dd1 was in there first watching tv.

dd1 said no im not going out, I was here first, so dd2 switched off the tv at the wall.

I have patiently explained to her that dd1 was watching tv, explained why she needs to have a shower and why her sister has a right to be in the bedroom and asked her again, to get some clothes, bring them to me and go for a shower. I told her if she turns the tv off again or otherwise stops dd1 watching the rest of her program, then she will not be going to her club tomorrow (this is usually the only consequence that she cares about)

she again turned off the tv, wouldn't let dd1 into the room, moved the bed and threw a chair onto the floor.

I cant handle her. I don't know how to deal with her. the only way she will be calm is if I let her stay in her room, alone and don't let dd1 watch tv. but this is absolutely not fair to dd1. but how do I resolve it? how?

I cant let dd1 watch tv downstairs as her brother is watching it. (both the others are showered and ready to leave)

I just don't know what the hell im doing and am at a loss.

I just don't know how to deal with this without being hugely unfair to one of my kids....

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 27/01/2019 10:41

Can she not just get dressed and have a bath later

dementedpixie · 27/01/2019 10:42

Is it a shared bedroom or just dd2's

BarbarianMum · 27/01/2019 10:44

Whose bedroom is it? Why did she want her sister out of there?

Caticorn · 27/01/2019 10:44

Could DD1 watch Netflix on a tablet? I think as long as you enforce the punishment (no club for DD2) then DD1 will see you are doing your best to be fair to her.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 27/01/2019 10:45

Don’t bath her, if she refuses to get changed just take her in the clothes she’s in.

XiCi · 27/01/2019 10:46

Unexpected visit I would have just let her get dressed and get a bath later. Is there a reason why a shower was completely necessary?

Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 10:47

It's a shared bedroom. She wanted dd1 out of there just because she was in a mood about having to have a shower. No logic, she just wanted to be on her own.

Yes, more than happy to let her have a bath later but now she's in this frame of mind there's no reasoning with her, she still won't let anyone in the room.

I asked dd1 if she can watch on her tablet but the battery is dead so I'm going to let her watch it on mine.

It's just so frustrating that she a
dictates what the family does.

Dd1 is 10 and dd2 is 8

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 27/01/2019 10:47

Unfair as it may be to DD1, sounds like DD2 needs a calm quiet space to retreat to. Do they share a room? Is there anywhere else with a tv, or can you put one somewhere for DD1 (maybe in your room?)

DS2 is being assessed for asd and absolutely needs his own room and own space to retreat to when things get too difficult.

If this visit to your DM aid unexpected maybe that’s what she’s finding hard to cope with - DS2 likes routine and cannot cope with changing arrangements. Is it possible for her to stay at home with DH?

Thisismynewname123 · 27/01/2019 10:48

I don't have any advice but this sounds so much like our household (DD2 has ASD. DD1 is always having to give in to her. TV is a touch point). Only suggestion, as someone said above, can you put Netflix onto an ipad or something so she can watch her own thing in her bedroom?

Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 10:48

Shower was needed really as she hasn't had one or a bath in 6 days. Her hair is greasy too. But yes in hindsight i should have just let her go as she is. It's so hard to navigate though as although she doesn't like showers as much, often she will just go and have one when I ask so I didn't know she would react like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 10:50

Dh is at work so it's all of us or none of us go.

I agree she needs get own room but we have 4 kids and 3 bedrooms, there's no option but for them to share. She knows she can go in my room if she needs space or into the bathroom.

Ironically she walks be alone in the flipping shower

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 10:52

would

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 27/01/2019 10:52

She’s probably reacting like this because it’s been unexpected, and she has to get showered quickly and out. That can be too much if she hasn’t had time to process this sudden change of plan.

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 27/01/2019 10:53

Does she struggle with unexpected events or things going off script- I.e having to suddenly leave the house when she wasn't expecting to?

I know that can be a major trigger so that might have thrown her. Sounds so tough though OP.

(Off topic I have a life tip for you - bin the iron! I haven't ironed a thing in 9 years and it's very liberating Grin)

Happygolucky009 · 27/01/2019 10:57

I think you need to pick your battles more carefully as it appears you were rather unfair to dd2. As I see it,you know she hates showers but persued it, gave little /no notice for an unexpected trip whilst dd1 watched tv. 😬

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/01/2019 10:57

If you knew having a shower would cause her anxiety, why was it so important to make her have one rather than just have a bath later?
Presumably you didn't put her to bed filthy so she didn't need to shower this morning; she's 8, not a sweaty teenager.

It's not about letting her dictate to the family, it's about finding ways of making life easier for the whole family, and unnecessarily stressing her out by making her shower is making things more difficult.

multiplemum3 · 27/01/2019 11:01

I get what you mean op, my brothers autistic and as much as I can't imagine how tough it was for him, it is for the siblings as well. You sound like you're trying your hardest though which is a lot better than my mum, just giving him whatever he wanted no matter how it affected me.

Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 11:03

Haha I only iron if necessary.

Yes she struggles with unexpected things but I explained that get brother and sister would go first, and me and then she could, and I let her play on her tablet for a while. She was fine with the idea until it came to actually doing it.

She had maybe 3 hours between me saying she was going to have a shower and actually needing to have one.

Like I said above, she's usually ok to have a shower, doesn't hate them, I'm not cruel I wouldn't make her if she hates them. She just would rather have a bath.

Sure needed one as she hasn't had one in 6 days and her hair is greasy, but had I known she would react like this I would have just let her have a bath when we got home. But hindsight is a wonderful thing

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 27/01/2019 11:12

DS will blindside me sometimes with his reaction to something that he’s not reacted to the 100 times he done it before. I think it depends what mood he’s in, what’s going on around him, what he’s expected to do after. Sometimes he’s not reacting to that thing, it’s whats going on after that’s the issue for him, so it might not be the shower that’s the problem, more the having to go out when not expecting to.

I get that it’s difficult meeting everyone’s needs and not letting the whole family be dictated by one person. I’m still learning about DS2 and how to handle him, and making mistakes along the way!

Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 11:36

thank goodness, shes dressed and dd1 is in my room watching on my tablet.

this is all so difficult. when shes nice shes so nice. but im scared when we eventually get seen they will say she isn't autistic and then that will just mean shes badly behaved and ive failed her somehow.

OP posts:
ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 27/01/2019 11:40

Your dd is very overwhelmed, she has likely been completely stressed at school all week and her weekends are likely her time to destress. Instead she has got up to find that she is having a sudden trip to her grandparents, not only that but she has to have a shower- which she clearly dislikes due to her sensory issues. She has likely gone to her room hoping to be alone/ calm down before she explodes. She cannot help her bodies reaction to the stresses that have been placed upon her. She is not reacting the way she is to deliberately annoy/ upset you or anyone else.

My ds is autistic and he simply would not cope with that situation without an explanation for why we needed to go out and an opportunity to retreat into his room under his weighted blanket and calm down. In your situation I would put Netflix on an iPad/ tv in my room for my dd and allow ds time to process. After five/ ten minutes he would be ready to get up, dressed and ready to leave.

Is it absolutely necessary for you to go to your Mums? Or could your Mum come to you?

Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 11:48

Thanks. I'm sure you're right it's just frustrating, she wants to go to grannys, she's happy to. She normally likes showers, I told her 8.30 we were going and she would bed to have a shower soon. She seemed fine with that at the time and just played on her tablet for a while.

We are going to my mum's for lunch she can't come here xx

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 27/01/2019 12:04

this is all so difficult. when shes nice shes so nice. but im scared when we eventually get seen they will say she isn't autistic and then that will just mean shes badly behaved and ive failed her somehow

Just want to say that I totally understand this and have felt it myself so many times Flowers

Original poster
Jennifer124 · 27/01/2019 12:19

Thank you :)

OP posts:
ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 27/01/2019 17:44

I remember having the same fear before ds was diagnosed, as his school claimed that I was imagining things! It took a psychologist only one hour in our ds’s company to realise he was autistic- it was THAT obvious to her and she advised us confidentially that we should look up everything we could on autism- my dh hopefully asked if there was any chance it was something else and she assured us that whilst it had to be off the record, she was 100% sure that our ds was autistic! We had to wait another year for the official diagnosis but upon reading up on autism, found she was absolutely right and that reading up on autism was like discovering every book had been written describing our son in detail.

If it helps, your description of your dd in your OP sounds exactly like my ds. Have you read many books on autism? Or watched many videos on YouTube about autism in girls?