To let dd1 watch netflix and cause ww3 with dd2

[Jennifer124]

ok so I posted here for traffic and its not necessarily an AIBU but more, WWYD what should I do?

DD2 is waiting to be diagnosed with autism. if you see my previous post you will see we have difficulty with her behaviour, last time I posted she was fighting with DH

dd2 likes baths but will have a shower but doesn't like them as much. normally I make sure theres enough time for her to have a bath but today we all need to shower quickly before an unexpected trip to my mums. I asked her to go and find some clothes for me to iron whilst she has a shower. she moaned about having to shower and then because she was in a bad mood she told her sister to go away (go out of the bedroom) but dd1 was in there first watching tv.

dd1 said no im not going out, I was here first, so dd2 switched off the tv at the wall.

I have patiently explained to her that dd1 was watching tv, explained why she needs to have a shower and why her sister has a right to be in the bedroom and asked her again, to get some clothes, bring them to me and go for a shower. I told her if she turns the tv off again or otherwise stops dd1 watching the rest of her program, then she will not be going to her club tomorrow (this is usually the only consequence that she cares about)

she again turned off the tv, wouldn't let dd1 into the room, moved the bed and threw a chair onto the floor.

I cant handle her. I don't know how to deal with her. the only way she will be calm is if I let her stay in her room, alone and don't let dd1 watch tv. but this is absolutely not fair to dd1. but how do I resolve it? how?

I cant let dd1 watch tv downstairs as her brother is watching it. (both the others are showered and ready to leave)

I just don't know what the hell im doing and am at a loss.

I just don't know how to deal with this without being hugely unfair to one of my kids....

look up PDA Pathological demand avoidance

a few of her behaviors stood out to me as red flag for this

my 8 y old has asd,gdd by,pda and spd

Thank you I'll look into those.
From being little she had "quirks " but they weren't really problematic.
She was overly affectionate, saying I love you to everyone all the time and stroking people, getting right up to them . She's always had to have labels cut out and won't wear scratchy or tight clothes. Repeats phrases, not all at once but like she will say the same thing a few times over the course of the day. For example "I like mayonnaise, Lots of people in my class don't but I do" and she will say it maybe 8 times over 2 days.

She's never really liked change but recently has got aggressive if she's not allowed to cool off I her own. It can start from something as simple as not having the right socks (there are only one kind of socks she will wear for school, and we only have 3 pairs) or if we have the wrong cereal etc.

Besides these meltdowns she's lovely, honestly a gorgeous child. Helpful, kind, sweet, clever, has friends, does well at school.

But when she lashes out it's terrible. Younger kids are crying, older ones getting physically attacked. Really horrible.